So, What's One More?

Five kids... piece of cake. Let's go with SIX!

Yeah, go ahead and commence with thinking we're nuts, or we must be ruining our bio kids, or whatevah. That's just fine b/c we are THRILLED!

I found out today that after months of phone calls to attorneys, case workers, and waiting for staffing after staffing to see what would happen, Emily is moving in with us!

A quick update for those unaware of this situation - We have been involved with Emily through the "Family Friend" program through the Arkansas Baptist Children's Home here in our town. She's is a DHS foster child that lives there. We've had her over to stay weeks at a time, weekends, holidays, etc for over a year. Now, she's getting to come live with us as a foster placement!!

Emily's case is private - but this is great for her. It was time to get her into a family and out of the group home. Group homes are amazing, yet so so sad that we need them... but they can never be a real family. House parents change, girls come and go... only Emily is the same one there now as when she first arrived. How is that different from being bounced from foster home to foster home?

Today we rejoice in God's provision for his children!!!! This seemed impossible to me a month ago. Road block after road block. I suppose God needed this to seem impossible so that I would absolutely give him all of the glory for this - I am totally in awe!!

The New House

Hello Blog-World! We finally have internet, and are getting kind of settled. As settled as you can get while you are still painting and making plans for more and more painting. I have tons of family and friends that live away and are constantly asking me to put up some pics - so here's what we've got going so far. I didn't clean before taking these... we put up the Christmas tree tonight, so whatever... overlook any mess if I captured it.

Here are some before and after pics:

BEFORE: Originally names "The Skeleton Room" due to blood red walls and what is probably supposed to be zebra print but looks like spines to me.



seriously... tell me that isn't a skeleton spine



Looks like a crime scene





Oh look! More skeleton details!



After: Now the boys' room



Okay, bad picture... but both boys' beds fit very easily in here and they still have a lot of floor space! Awesome! Better yet, no more remnants of the bleeding walls from Amityville Horror!

BEFORE: Known as "The Creepy Hand-Print Room" by all that entered. Dark brown walls, blue handprints EVERYWHERE. For the record, the hands were bigger than mine... not cute.

AFTER: For now, this is Madison's room. In the future, it will likely be a nursery/toddler/small child room for foster children. It's the closest to the Master bedroom. I'm still working on the other bedroom.. which I'll show you in a bit. Nothing fancy at the moment but it is no longer dungeon brown with handprints.

BEFORE: Known as the ugliest of the 3 bathrooms.. original to the house pink tile, hot pink cabinets, and dark, dark, DARK brown paint EVERYWHERE else. Even the face plates for all of the outlets and switches were hot pink.



But nothing made me say "Oh Lawd" like this. Oh. No. They. Didn't.

AFTER - pink tile still there... but cabinets now white, and walls lighter. Major gutting of this bathroom will occur in the future. Standby for more pics after that...

BEFORE: Super ugly black, peeling, gross paint in kitchen. And this is just one section. Yikes.



AFTER: So far just paint... paint is a beautiful thing.

BEFORE: Nothing majorly wrong with this... this is our 'sitting' area.. meaning totally wasted space that I have big plans for in the future. It was just very "blah."

AFTER: New paint, trim is now white, instead of that yellow-toned "egg-shell", and the black trim is gone from the dining room. (the crown molding in the dining room was also black.. dear God.. why oh why?)

BEFORE: Living room. With the blah color on the walls that ugly fireplace really stood out. Again with the black? To each their own!

AFTER: New paint, and that's it! Everyone thinks we've done "something" to make the fireplace look better.. but nope. We will be doing "something" to make it look better, but hey, I'm STILL painting, okay!

IN PROGRESS



This is the "extra" room that I've just finished the first coat of paint - it was the darkest brown known to man... lightening it is quite the process. I am thankful it has no carpet right now!! It's easier to paint when you don't have to use drop cloths!







This is the playroom... love the desks, love the storage... but it needs a lot of beautification. It makes me feel like the kids did in The Cat in the Hat. "This mess is so big and so deep and so tall! We cannot clean it up, there is no way at all!" (or something like that.. I don't know where that book is. In a box somewhere..)

There are two other bathrooms that we've not done a thing to, but they don't even come close to comparing to the, umm... creativeness of the one I pictured. The office as well, but we just painted it, and it wasn't quite a disaster either. The sunroom... love it, but not much to speak of right now. A big room, concrete floors, TONS OF WINDOWS. It will be one fine room one day!

I do LOVE my new house. I LOVE my neighborhood. I LOVE the nature trails out my backdoor and the woods and the sand and that kids ride their bikes around. That people walk their dogs. That there are SUPER nice lamp-posts up and down the street... that there is no thru-traffic at our house b/c we're the last cul da sac. I could go on and on... I am so thankful! I really pray that this house is a major blessing to MANY.

Houses and Renters and Jobs.. Oh My!

Dorothy thought lions and tigers and bears were horrifying... but that's because she never had to buy a new house, while already being a home owner.

Selling our current home isn't looking likely, wrong time of year, not enough time for us to wait. So, we think we've found the ideal renter. If all works out by the end of today, we'll be good to go on that. It is really scary to think of us owning two houses at the same time, but sometimes you've just got to put on your big girl panties and do what you've gotta do.

Renting our house will allow us to move into our new house.. here is the pic I snagged off of the real estate website. Not a great angle.. but if you can pretend that you have Superman vision and look through the tree, then you can have a good idea of what the new casa looks like.

On top of a new renter and a new house... I'm also preparing for *another* new job. I know, I know... I just can't stop, right? This one is super cool, though. AT MOST I can only work 8 days a month, which rocks. And, the work is fast-paced, exciting, and fairly familiar. Dispatching at the police department.

Now, when I was first approached about becoming a fill-in for the PD, I literally laughed... out loud. I also immediately said, "NO!"

Most of America can't appreciate this job... it's the unseen job. The voice behind the cops, the firemen, the ambulance, the wrecker... and in our city it's ONE voice. One person sitting in what's referred to as "the hot seat" waiting for the 911 phone to ring, waiting for a wreck to happen, waiting to tell pretty much everyone that needs to go somewhere quickly, exactly where to go. Yeah.. no pressure at all, right? Hence why my initial responce was to say "No way, Jose! Ain't gonna happen!"

I finally agreed to just go sit in and watch for most of a shift.. and what-do-ya-know... I was hooked.

I sat in for two shifts before I felt comfortable enough to even try to answer the regular PD phone. Three before I would answer the 911 phone and talk on the radio. Last night my great "teacher" Tricia basically forced me to sit in what I deem as her seat, and do all of the work. I was so scared! Thankfully she guided me through every step at first and then slowly walked away and let me handle it. I did okay - but wow, there is so much to learn!

Speaking in 10-codes is basically like learning a new language. I feel like I'm stuck on a small island and everyone speaks Polish except for me - and they're all looking at me waiting for instructions in THEIR language. Slowly but surely. Very thankful that I know 90% of the cops already from hubby because I think our friendship helps them not get uptight if it takes me 3 hours to look up and call back the requested driver's license number they called to me. So, I'm exaggerating, but seriously, this stuff is hard! I do love a challenge, though!

In between all of the hub-bub our kids are doing awesome, and we should soon be open for foster care. I'm pushing to get Emily with us as a foster placement due to her not doing so well where she is right now. Looks promising - so we'll keep our fingers crossed on that one. 

Life is going along swimmingly! God is showing off like crazy, which is always cool. Just when I start to freak out about something, he just comes to my rescue. He's definitely the most amazing knight in shining armor!

Updates All Around

I sat and tried to think of something clever, witty, or interesting to blog about this morning... but my brain refused to cooperate. Sorry. Here's a few updates on all that's going on around here right now.

1. Foster Care

Nothing. Grrrr. We are still waiting for finger prints to come back. One would think that my husband's job as a Trooper would indicate to the powers that be that we are, in fact, not felons - but what do I know? I keep hearing from friends that do foster care about the calls they're getting, the kids they're seeing, and I'm becoming increasingly frustrated. Arkansas is probably one of the last states on the planet to deal with actual paper work. If things were done via computers.. I have no doubt this would've been done much, much faster.

2. School

With all of my heartache over sending the kids to school this year, I am happy to report that they are loving it! They don't miss their mommy... they don't want to be home. I know because I asked...

Madison is in 4th grade and she now gets to change classes for Math and Science. Carter is in 1st and he is in love with his teacher. We've known her for a few years so it made going back to school exciting for him. She's a first year teacher and she seems to be very full of energy and ideas! She has young children herself, and it shows with how well she deals with her class. I couldn't be more pleased!

Even Samuel is going to school this year. My best friend is a certified teacher and she opened her own little preschool in her home. Super small class size which I love, and Samuel loves her! He only goes 3 mornings a week, until noon. He's never ready to leave - and he's mad at me when I don't take him on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Humph. "But I want to go to school, Mommy! I love Mrs. Kim's school!" 

I made the comment the other day that the only person in this house that wants to home school is me.

3. Other

It just seems like life is doing nothing new.. yet changing very quickly right now. This leaves me with a feeling of excitement, and distress. I feel like I have no idea what will be waiting around each corner. Will we get a call today about taking a child? Will we make plans to move soon? So much big stuff, for nothing to be really happening.

Life is busy but good right now. I can't complain! I hope life is being good you to all, too!

Another Year - Another Round of Uncertainty

Each new school year brings a huge mixture of emotions in this house. The kids are anxious and excited - they're ready to see their friends again, ready to meet their teachers, and ready to get back to that familiar routine. I, on the other hand, am constantly combating feelings of uncertainty. There is always an uneasiness that takes over.

"Is this what's right for us?"

My kids have always gone to public schools. At age 4 they start the awesome Pre-K program we have and the they continue on year after year. I have to say, we've had great experiences. Amazing teachers, great friends made, fun activities, no getting into trouble, getting left behind, or anything like that. The kids enjoy school - especially Carter. There are no tears when it's time to go, no one whines to stay home. They really, honestly, enjoy it.

So, where does this feeling in my gut come from? Why do I always wonder "should I look into bringing them home?"

I called a good friend of mine, that's done home schooling and public schooling, and has settled on home schooling this year, to talk out my issues. I was amazed when she said, "I never know what's right either... I question myself just like you do."

Wow.. really?! I assumed that if you made the choice to home school, you'd feel sure about it. But, I'm finding more and more moms that honestly say, "I really don't know if this is best for them... or best for me. It's just the decision we made."

What's a mom to do?

For me, there's no question my kids are starting school this Thursday. We'll see how the year goes. I really feel like we're just taking it a day at a time, a month at a time, a year at a time. Maybe they'll start, love it, and I'll love it, too. Maybe this will be the year that doesn't go so well... and things change around here. I don't know - but it feels awful to question such a big decision.

Is anyone else on the fence about public school vs. home schooling - even though you've had children in school for years? (my oldest is going to 4th.) I know it's the socially acceptable way to do it... kids just go to school... but I can't help but step back and wonder if MY kids are getting the best they can from school, or if they'd get more from home. Could I teach them as well as their teachers have? Would I turn them into the stereo-typical "weird home schooled kids"? (please don't think I think home schooled kids are weird.. I know a whole herd of them and they are NOT. But, you know how people think..) I honestly don't know the answer to these questions.

When Did I Become a Working Mom?

When things change very gradually, it can feel like no change at all. Then, one day, you see where you are verses where you were and think, "when did this happen?"

It occurred to me the other day when I accepted a part-time writing job for Monticello Live that I am, indeed, a working mom! Wow! What's really cool about this is, I now have two paying jobs, and I usually still feel like a stay-at-home-mom. That's really awesome! 

and yes I look just like this for those that have never seen me...

With my own business, Canine Corrections, I work from home. With this new job, I mostly work from home, also. Other than attending a few meetings a month (City Council, School Boards, etc) I do my writing from home! This sounds like a great gig, right? Yeah.. if I didn't have three kids I'm sure it would be bliss!

I've had to learn over the past couple of years how to work from home with three lunatics running around. Well, my girl child is calm and quiet, so I really only have two lunatics I suppose. This is no easy task! I can blog, email, and even outline my next article with noise in the background and 20 breaks to fix a sippy cup, clean up pee from the bathroom floor, and send kids to their own corners during a fight. I cannot, however, carry on a phone interview, write a complete article that's worth reading, or think worth a flip during these events.

Enter: strategy.

If you want time from your kids, you have to pour time out to your kids first. Simple as that.

If I spend a good solid hour doing nothing but playing with them, talking with them, going out to play.. you know the routine... then I can expect a good 30 minutes to an hour to work in peace. I only need about an hour or two to do my writing, so this works out great for us! Give me a little time and then the REST of the day.. I'm totally yours! Thankfully, I don't have to write every day, hence the "part-time" I mentioned above. This is my ideal work scenario... I cannot believe how this has all panned out! God is good!

My strategy will likely have to change dramatically in the coming months, depending upon what foster children are in our home. Obviously having an infant will require much different planning than having a 4 year old. A 4 year old much different than a 7 year old. Time will tell! I just keep telling God that he's given me ALL of this, at his perfect time, and I'm basically demanding that he work it all out for me as well. So far, he's holding up to his end of the deal. Nice how that works out.

 Are you a working mom?  What has your experience with working away from home or in the home been like since having children? Positive? Negative? You're too tired to comprehend this question? Here... this will help you frazzled moms:

The Dangers of Paying off Your Van

Why yes, that is a big gaping hole where my window once was! Awesome.

I was driving to town today to take a daycare dog back to his owner, van full of kids ready to hit the pool after, when a REALLY loud noise came out of nowhere. Everyone screamed, and I heard lots of crashing in the back. Right where my baby sits, glass was flying everywhere! *You know, the most accident prone child on the planet that has managed to swallow a rock AND possibly break his finger all THIS week.* Thankfully, everyone was okay.

So, I look in my rear view mirror to see who was responcible... I mean.. surely someone's break lights will be lit up coming back to see what damage they've done to this innocent family vehicle. Nope. Three pick-up trucks driving merrily on their way... I have no clue which is the guilty party, but I hope they have a nice hole and gash somewhere in their vehicle to show for their not-so-nice ways. Samuel would say they were "stinky poo poo heads.." Ditto.

A big hip-hip hooray for the Monticello PD that came to my rescue.. for at least the 3rd or 4th time in the 10 years we've lived here. Must I always be a damzel in distress? One officer helped me load 3 of the 4 kids into his police car so that they didn't have to eat glass on the way back home. And no, they don't get paid extra for being nice guys.. that's a free service! So pat a cop on the back today instead of calling him an A-Hole the next time you get pulled over. Back on topic..

Not that having a totally trashed van window is ever a good thing, but I just want to say how extra sucky it is when you've worked so hard to get the darn thing paid off, only to have to keep paying to fix crap all of the time. Our left front tire was low yesterday, and we just patched the two back tires last month... and today this! The tires are minor... the two back tires happened due to hubby doing work and running over nails... and we must have picked up something at the firework's stand Saturday to account for the new issue. But an entire window needing  to be replaced? In the same week as two X-rays for Sam and other dr's bills that will be left unstated?! You get out of debt just to pay off more.. I swear it!

I will sit and cringe to see what our insurance will or won't pay. Of course, being a holiday weekend, no one is in the office today. Or they heard what happened and are avoiding my calls...

We're Done! almost..

Finally.. our last parenting class last night. Whew! We made it through! One major step completed on our mission to become foster parents. And now, for the rest of the story.

I feel overwhelmed with what I have left to do. Every person in our house has to have a physical (that will take an entire day.), Clayton and I have to redo our TB tests due to new state standards, Clayton has to make up the CPR/First Aid training course that he missed, we have to finish getting everything in the house ready for our Home Study on July 26... and it feels like a million other things! So much done.. so much left to do.

Our last class was the best, by far! We had a panel of people, from DHS workers to adoptive parents to foster parents - and we got to ask them anything we wanted. They shared a lot with us about their experiences, and I left feeling a lot better about everything. They didn't sugar-coat it, but for me, just seeing other real-life people doing this makes it seem more do-able for us.

So, we're getting there. I'm not sure how much longer we'll be waiting for all of this stuff to get done so that our home can be open, but we're definitely closer to that day than we were 3 months ago. I feel patient some days... like the more time that we wait the more time we'll have to get ready. Other days it feels so anticlimactic to have done all of this and still be waiting. God's timing...

On another note - we started our morning at the ER today because my three year old swallowed a large rock from his big sister's rock collection. He barely got it down, was in a lot of pain, and scared the crap out of me. Second ER trip ever with a child... second time it was HIM that had to go. The X-Ray showed it in his stomach so now we just wait and see. Praying he can pass it! I do not want my baby cut into...

He decided to top the morning fun off by somehow getting into a major pile of ants once we got home and went outside to play. Him screaming and me beating his feet with the shirt I just took off of him probably was more than enough of a scene to get DHS called on us... that would be a red-flag for sure. "ER in the morning.. beating him in the street later.. nix these folks." Thankfully Mr. Curly Head is all good at the moment. I told him that he was FOR SURE taking a nap today because I couldn't handle worrying about him anymore for the day. Good grief.

Creativity Was Forced Upon Me

Yesterday I had the immense pleasure of spending the entire day and evening with my hubby and our second family at the annual State Police Post Party. (or "gathering" I suppose you could call it.) A day on the lake, eating amazing food, laughing until you cry, and hearing the craziest work stories that anyone could ever tell. FYI: if you stuff yourself with the best ribs ever, and then immediately jump on a boat and go 60ish mph.. you will feel icky. Good news is - you'll get over it.

my gal pals: Amy, Summer (30wks pg with TWIN boys!) and me

So, anywho.. it was a blast! Can't wait until next summer to do it all again!

Today we returned to the real world. We went to bed too late last night, didn't sleep well, and then got up too early this morning. I knew it would happen that way - such is life. What I didn't anticipate was the electricty going out at our house for about 3 hours this afternoon. "I'm so too tired to be this much fun.."

After my initial "Oh crap" reaction, I just pulled myself together and took the kids into the boys' room to find cool stuff to do. Lincoln Logs were at the top of the list. Their pleas for me to build them an amazing fort "like Daddy does" pushed me into a corner. I gave it my best shot.. but I'm really sucky at Lincoln Logs. I guess it's the lack of a 'y' chromosome or something. Thankfully they gave me an 'A' for effort.

I was really stoked when my boys were content to lay in the bottom bunk with me reading books for a good, long while. Ahh.. rest! Then it was on to bigger and better things like building forts with blankets, making food with Play-Doh (chill out, we didn't really eat it.), and pretending we were at P.E. class.

"20 jumping jacks!"

"10 push ups!"

"15 bunny hops!"

Oh yes.. I was a big hit!

These aren't unusual events for this house, but typically we don't spend almost 3 hours straight, with no breaks, living it up. 2 hours in and I admit I was praying to God to somehow let Max and Ruby magically appear on the TV. They were getting restless, I was too exhausted to be fun for much longer, and my 3 year old was not happy with the thunder, lightening, and darkness. He also missed his much-needed nap thanks to all of the excitement so he was beginning his favorite activity of "torture everyone in the house."

Now, the lights are back on, the A/C is kicking, and I have my babysitter of the movie "Bolt." This evening I shall go back to try to tackle the seemingly impossible Lincoln Logs. Hopefully their father will bring his man skills to the table and show me what I'm doing wrong on the construction front. I can't make that roof fit to save my life...

Crazy with a Capital C

Do you ever have a weekend that is absolutely insane? Not just typical ridiculousness, but lots of huge events all at once? This perfectly describes this past weekend for us.

It started Friday. Hubby leaves for work early in the morning, comes home mid-afternoon to grab the most random array of items (his bike, food, clothes, and all kinds of gear that I could not begin to tell you the correct names of.) and heads out for the weekend.

This weekend was the long-awaited Ozark Extreme Adventure Race. Doesn't this sound like something Clayton would partake in? It's a triathlon (biking, running, paddling) and this was Clayton's first year to try it. He and his great friend Stephen teamed up and, amazingly, they finished in FIRST PLACE in their division! (3rd place overall!) I thought Clayton was kidding when he said they came in first... I'm such a good supporter, right? Their times was something like 8 hours, 32 minutes... give or take a minute. 8 HOURS. There is little in the world I would be willing to participate in for 8 entire hours. Especially super intense physical activity. No thanks.

So, this awesome race meant Clayton was away all weekend.. which wouldn't be a huge deal except:

Dance recital weekend!

That's my Madison - the one in the middle

Thank God for mothers.. because mine saved me! She and my stepdad came into town in the morning to help me wrangle the boys, feed people, and get Madison beautiful and all of her massive amounts of costumes, shoes, snacks, ribbons, bows, and all things necessary together. With their help it all went off without a hitch. The boys were SO well behaved.. I was beaming with pride!

Madison did a super job. Dance is definitely her thing. We've tried sports.. and she is great at soccer, but nothing compares to dance for her. She is quite gifted, and I couldn't help but shed some tears as I watched her and her awesome class perform the most beautiful and FLAWLESS ballet dance I've ever seen. She is growing up on me. It's happening so fast. I watched the tiny little girls do their ballet, tap, and jazz moves and it took me back a few years. I remember Madison learning those cute little steps...

"shu-ffle, ball-change" (to a very slow count)

Now these girls are doing incredible moves! They REALLY tap now. They REALLY understand the importance of being high on their toes, being graceful and deliberate, and working together as a team. Beautiful! Yes, I am a proud mother.. I won't even try to hide it.

Let's rewind just a bit, though. Let me take you back to Saturday morning... BEFORE mom got here to save the day, before we began getting ready for recital.

Picture this: You've not slept at all that night because a big storm blew in. Your two boys came crying to your room and climbed into your bed. Being the only parent in the house, you are the only person that can try to ease their fears. They sleep peacefully with you.. but you can't sleep AT ALL because the two of them take turns kicking you, tossing, turning, sniffling... oh boy!

Finally, you all go to sleep. Then, your cell phone rings. You're so exhausted that it takes you several minutes to figure out it's literally right beside the bed.

"Hello?"

"Mandy? Where are you?"

"Umm.. I"m home.. who is this?"

"It's Tricia (friend that dispatches at the police department) and you need to get you and the kids into a safe place. The National Weather Service just put out a tornado warning HEADING RIGHT TO YOUR HOUSE!!"

"What?! Okay... thank you!"

I nearly threw up I got so afraid so fast. I found that Carter and Madison were already up, and I yelled at them to "get your shoes on and get into the hallway NOW!!"

They did, and I threw a mattress over the top of them as I slid my shoes on and grabbed Sam (who was soundly sleeping in my bed) and my cell phone to join the kids in the hall. I reassured Madison that we were probably okay because it was raining really hard,and that everyone says that it gets still and quiet before a tornado hits. Within two seconds of me saying those words, the rain stopped... completely. Silence. I hugged the kids tightly to me, and just prayed and prayed. In my head I kept thinking "why does this stuff always happen when I'm here ALONE?!"

Within 30 seconds of the calmness outside, I hear a sound of rumbling high in the sky. "Is that thunder?" It got louder and louder.. and was steady. The wind was raging outside... and then... nothing again. Silent. Then, heavy, harsh rain. I finally took a breath and called Tricia back. She kept asking if she needed to send someone to come out here to get us.. but thankfully we were safe and it was over. Thank God for AMAZING friends!

There was no damage, that I know of, in our area. I definitely felt like we were right in the midst of something that could have easily turned tragic. I am so thankful! If anything, a tornado stayed in the sky and moved over and never touched down.

What a way to start crazy dance recital day.. right?

Thankfully my husband got home Sunday afternoon and I felt like my life came back together again. I'm pretty used to being alone with the kids.. but this was just a bit extreme. I told him that this coming weekend I'm leaving for 2.5 days and I'd be back before Monday morning. Yeah.. right.. as if I could really stay away!

Obama Care

I keep reading and rereading different articles to try to understand what this new Obama Care means for my family, and I end up just as clueless after sorting through a vast sea of numbers and estimates as I was before I dove in. 

I found this article from the AP that spelled some things out in a pretty direct way if anyone would like to take a look.

From what I gathered here - the richest people in America, as always, will be paying for everyone else's care. Thankfully this doesn't include me... but if I was one of those "richest people" I think I'd be pretty ticked that even more of my paycheck was being taxed. Isn't nearly half of it enough already?

I also think I discovered that my family doesn't really qualify for any real assistance... surprise surprise.

Medicaid is being expanded to cover more people, senior citizens will have cuts in costs of their medications (which seems like a really good idea!!) and there apparently will be incentives for small business owners that have fewer than 25 employees that decide to offer health insurance.

My only concerns are:

- Do I get to keep my insurance plan? Will MY insurance rates increase to cover all of this other stuff? Since my family is middle class, will we still not qualify for any help with medical bills or medications yet eventually have to pay more to get care and meds? Someone HAS to pay for this stuff.... and it's hard for me to believe that only those making $200,000 a year or more will single-handedly cover the cost of this "free" health care.

- Will my taxes increase? I've heard some talk on the news that eventually they will have to install a new Federal tax on everyone to cover the cost... of course this is just speculation, but when you look at the high taxes Canada pays (from what I could dig up they pay about 10% or more in taxes than we do) then one has to wonder. Will my tax rate skyrocket and I still not qualify for this new awesome insurance plan because "we make too much."?

I've heard many of my friends joke that they'll soon be quitting their jobs because they'd make more a month if the government simply took care of them. Sad.. but it seems to be becoming a reality. What's the incentive to make it in the world if there are hand-outs to EVERYONE. I'm so torn on this issue.

On one hand, I really do want everyone to have quality health care. I want everyone to be able to afford to go to the doctor and buy their medications. I want that for MY family. Can I tell you the times we've stressed because everyone in the house was sick, and everyone needed medications, but first the doctor has to test you to make sure, which means a co-pay for each person seen? We've dropped well over a hundred dollars in one day's time just because we needed a simple antibiotic. The times that we needed more than your regular Amox... my goodness. That's with our GOOD insurance.. I don't know how others, that make the same as we do, are making it with their plans. I really don't. Will there be help for THEM?

This post is really more a list of questions I have - not my bashing of this plan. I can't truly bash it because I STILL don't understand it. If you do, give the rest of us an idea, please! Are you for this or against it and why?

When It Rains, It Pours

Have you ever heard sayings like "bad things happen in 3's" or "that's just Murphy's Law."? Yeah, probably so..

Doesn't it seem like when something bad happens, EVERYTHING bad happens? You can never just have a flat tire, but you then also have to need a new battery the next week and a new engine by the month's end.

I have to say that over the past several months I felt like this was pretty much how life was going. Don't get me wrong, we had tons of joy and amazing blessings in these months - but they were some fairly dark days for me.

It started in November with Dad dying (which is still a huge struggle of mine) and it seemed like things went downhill from there. Clayton's transfer from being on the Highway to getting to be a Detective kept getting pushed back.. and pushed back. It seemed like it would never happen and we'd have to be stuck in this awful schedule and stress forever. Our fight against debt was moving more slowly than I was happy with even though my business is booming and we'd been making wise financial decisions. There were days that I'd think,

"How can things be so good.. and so bad.. all at the same time?"

Over the past two weeks, I've realized something else. When it rains.. it pours.. BLESSINGS.

Just as we trudged through so much yuck and muck over the past several months, now it seems like God has completely blown away those dark clouds to reveal huge and amazing things.

The first 'bad' thing.. Dad dying.. well, nothing has changed there of course. Dad's still dead.. I'm still sad.. family's still hurting. I am thankful that I no longer cry everyday - and that I can almost complete a thought or a memory about Dad without bursting into hysterical sobbing. I mean.. seriously.. when it's that bad you've got to give thanks to God for any amount of relief you feel!

The second hurdle - the transfer. It finally happened! The letter came - and I nearly cried when Clayton waved it in front of me and said, "It came!" (I'd have probably jumped up and down if he and I weren't both totally down with a stomach flu.. another post another day.) That was this Saturday - and I'm contemplating framing that letter and hanging it in place of my favorite framed art that we have in the house. He has a lot of training to make it through at first, but after that, we're looking at a more normal schedule (as in like 7am-4pm unless all hell breaks loose and someone decides to rape someone or kill someone..) and the ability to PLAN AHEAD. Someone wants to know if we can grill out in two weeks? Why YES WE CAN! I cannot even imagine a life like that - it's been so many years of living for his job and around his schedule. We'll get to go to things TOGETHER. He'll have the ability to coach a baseball team or pick the kids up from school from time to time. Wow... life changing!!

The third hurdle - the longest we've battled. DEBT. This has been something we've been seriously focused on for a long time. We hit it really hard about two years ago, and super hard over the past year. We made incredible progress - I am still shocked that God gave us the ability to pay off the cards we did and make it to where we are today. SHOCKED. As far as we've made it, it still felt like we'd never get these stupid cards paid off. They're really holding us back from a lot right now. (like building that big house with a lot of bedrooms to fill with kids... you know.. little things..)

Clayton's dad mentioned to us, as he was working on our taxes (he's a CPA... and everyone should be so blessed as to have one so readily available!) that we should look into refinancing our mortgage to wrap in the remaining debt. We had looked into this option a couple of years ago, but we had SO much debt that the mortgage payment would have been so high that we'd have been in no better of a situation. Plus, we really felt like we had spent years getting ourselves into that mess and it seemed right for us to spend a long while digging out of it.

Now, we've worked our booties off, we've learned invaluable lessons from this journey, and we're ready to move on. So, we contacted our current mortgage company (after comparing with our credit union and local banks) to talk about what we could make happen. To our amazing surprise, it looks like we can totally be credit card debt free. And, our mortgage payment will still be laughably low. Holy moly... is this really real? Really? It's like manna from heaven! Not to mention that we might be able to use our tax refund to pay off our van.. or mostly. A girl could get excited here... after dealing with this mess for so many years.. could this really be the end of it?

So, yes. Sometimes you feel like you are never going to get out of the dark place in which you are resting. Sometimes the sadness, the pain, the stress... it feels like it's just going to take you under. But then... it doesn't. And then God stays faithful. He stays true to his word that he won't leave you. He shows you he wants good things for you. Maybe he feels we "learned our lesson" on the financial front. Maybe he knows that with Clayton being home more often we can be a double blessing to our own children and other children that will need it. I don't know his reasons but I am thankful!

It starts with finding the small, hard to spot blessings in our life sometimes for God to be able to take us out of our current attitude and situation and bring us up and out of them. If you're in a dark place today, please know that you are not alone, no matter how alone you feel. Know that there IS a brighter day coming. You can never truly appreciate the sunlight without a lot of dark and gloomy days. I can testify to this today!

River Market: How I Love Thee

One of the most fun places to take the kids that there is no admission fee. The River Market in Little Rock. Now, don't get me wrong... it isn't free. If you walk through the Downtown area you will pass too many yummy treats to make it out of here without forking over some cash. (the ice cream place, the AWESOME pizza place, and the places that get rid of the I'm thirsties.) Worth it entirely, though!

This began many shouts of "Dum Dum, give me gum gum." from the big kids. (from Night at the Museum... hardy har har)

Daddy helping Samuel climb out of the tunnels.

"Made it."

Whew! We all made it... and I'm pretty sure that after we climbed down we noticed that that was 'not' an allowed climbing spot. Oops.

This is after Carter learned how to spit off of the bridge... thanks to his father. Later in the day he learned the importance of not spitting into the wind.

I don't know why but the kids were more excited about this pig than ANYTHING else we saw.. including the submarine. Go figure.

I have others to post but no time today! We did and saw everything we could and walked many miles in the few hours we were there.

We'll actually be going back this weekend - but not for this! Clayton will be running the half-marathon... or attempting to run it. ;) I will try to stick it out long enough to cheer him on from start to finish. Wish him luck!

In Dreams

I hesitated to post this because I'm not sure of what the reaction will be. Let's start by saying I'm not a psychic, I don't "see dead people," or anything of that nature. I've simply always found that my dreams are powerful. I've always joked that my brain is so hyper-active during my waking hours that God knows his only shot of reaching me is when I'm held hostage at night.

Not quite 3 months ago my dad passed away. The day he died, before I knew what was going on, I had a knot in my stomach the entire morning. I had an overwhelming feeling of anxiousness, of being trapped, of being uneasy. It became worse as the hours passed so I had to escape my house. I loaded the kids up and we went to Walmart just to go somewhere. After Walmart I still had this horrible nagging feeling, so we went to a flooring store here in town to price check some things I had been wondering about.

On the drive home I was nearly in tears. "Is this PMS or what?!" No... couldn't be.

No sooner had I gotten home, unloaded the kids from the van, and sat a few sacks on the kitchen table when I got the first phone call from my sister.

"The ambulance is at Dad's house and they're trying to revive him...." I could barely understand her through her crying and breathlessness, but I knew right away he was gone. I had no glimmer of hope that they would save him. I had no idea what had happened to his body, but I knew that his spirit was not in it. It's like everything came full circle.. I think I even told her within the first few minutes, "I should have known this was coming."

I had this very same occurance the day my Aunt died, who was so much more than an aunt to me. She was my other mom.

It was like God was trying to prepare me for what was to come. Like he knew me so well that he knew I couldn't handle having a fabulous day only to have it come to such a life-changing end. I don't deal well with sudden change...

When we got home from the hospital and from dad's house on the night he died, where I saw his face for one of the last precious times and touched his lifeless hands to try to hold on to what I had left, I hit my knees and begged God to let me see him again. I knew Dad was in heaven, I know I'll be there one day, but the wait from now until then is overwhelming. I screamed at God that I could NOT not see my dad again while I'm on earth. "PLEASE let him come to me when I'm asleep. PLEASE let me hug him. PLEASE let me speak to him... PLEASE!!"

Fast forward two months later. I had felt so upset that in the entire two months since Dad's passing that I'd not had one single dream of him. Not a dream that replayed a scene from our life together, not a dream where I felt that he was trying to see me in present day.. nothing. It seemed others around me were dreaming of him.. why not me? I continued to beg God for that experience. I told him I didn't just want a random dream about my dad.. I wanted him to let my dad actually come to see me. And I prayed I'd remember the dream vividly.

Finally, it happened.

My first dream was so real, and so odd. Clayton, the kids, and I were walking into my grandfather's house in DeWitt. I had a dish of some kind in my hands and my Aunt met us at the door. She had a sympathetic look on her face b/c this was the first time we'd been together since the funeral. I saw my stepmom at the table, her sons, and all of the family. Then, as I walked closer, beside my stepmom was my dad! I nearly dropped my dish! I ran over to him, grabbed his neck, smelled his scent, and said,

"Dad!! You're here! You came! You're really here!!!" I rambled off many "I love you's" and "I miss you so much"... it was as if no one else could see what was happening but he and I. I remember feeling his bearded face against my cheek and saying, "Oh, you're so warm!" Dad simply grabbed my shoulders, pushed me back so he could see me eye to eye and said, in responce to my "You're really here!"

"I am really here."

With that I woke up. I immediately prayed and thanked God for letting my dad come see me. I cried, and I sobbed. I still felt his embrace, I still smelled his scent, I still heard his voice.

Fast forward a few weeks later to last night. My second dream.

We were sitting in a car of some kind. I, again, was so happy to see him that I just wanted to crawl into his lap and never let go. However, this time it was like I was really awake and in control of the conversation. I asked questions, and he answered. It was an amazing experience.

me: "Is heaven really amazing?"

Dad: "Oh... yes.." (with a sincere nod)

me: "Do you miss anything about being alive?"

Dad: "No."

me: "NOTHING?!" (almost angry with him)

Dad: "No, nothing."

me: "You don't even miss ME?!!!" (hurt and angry)

Dad: "I don't miss you because I AM with you."

me: "Well, I miss you..."

Dad: "That's because you can't see that I'm still with you..."

me: "How's Beth doing right now?"  (my stepmom)

Dad: (chuckles) "I don't know.. I'm here with you right now!" (grins that grin...)

me: (rolls my eyes and smiles)

After that we just sat together. Then I woke up.

I can't describe the peace it gives me to see my dad in dreams. I can't tell you how many times I thanked God this morning for allowing it.

I know dreams aren't powerful for everyone, and this is why I hesitantly post this today. I honestly can't handle anyone saying "it's just a dream" because, well, I know it wasn't. In fact, both times I told Clayton, "Dad came to see me last night.." because that was just the truth.

I believe my constant prayers, crying out to God to have mercy on me and let me see my Dad while I'm still here, were answered. I pray they will continue to be answered.

I find it a bit funny that if I could have designed a dream it would probably be my dad grabbing and hugging me and telling me how much he misses me. Yet, in these dreams he's trying to make sure I KNOW he doesn't really. He's happy, he's around, and things are great. When you're with Jesus... why would you long for ANYTHING or ANYONE that you left on earth? I wonder if Dad's annoyed that I keep begging for him to come back to visit... I mean, I wouldn't want to leave paradise for even a moment. I'm thankful that it was arranged, though. And, for my own selfish reasons, I will continue to pray for more moments with my Dad... because even though our moments on earth were many, they were too few. There's never enough time with the ones we love. And any time I can grasp onto, I will.

A Life Changing Saturday

I mentioned last week that we would be spending the afternoon with a child that is currently not able to live with her parents. Actually, her parents' rights were just terminated - and the future of she and her siblings is being decided.

Knowing that she had just gotten the news, literally days before our playdate, that she would not be seeing her mom and dad again until she turned 18 created a lot of anxiety for me about how to handle any topics or emotions that might come up.

Our day started by Madison and I picking her up from the girls' cottage at the children's home. The girls were all outside with their house parents getting ready to go do "something." I knew several of them, and had a lump in my throat the entire time talking with them. I had no idea they lived there. Two came up and hugged me, "Remember me?! You came and talked to our class! Remember?" Yes.. I did. They all wanted to know where we were going, what we were doing, and when we'd be back. The one girl we were there to get jumped up and down with excitement - she had no idea what the plans were but she knew she was ready to get to them.

We left and let little girl "A" pick where we'd go for lunch. "I've never been to Mazzio's! Or Larry's Pizza! Can we go there?" Larry's Pizza it was.

Lunch was filled with laughter, jokes, giggles, and of course we had to end the meal by letting the girls hit up the arcade. "This is the best time EVER!" *from "A's" mouth repeatedly*

After lunch she was excited to come over and play. My goodness... that child is just a true gem. With all she's going through, she was still just a happy kid. According to her house parents, she 'really' is just that way. She lets life roll off of her and it's allowing her to handle the circumstances so much better than her other siblings. What I can learn from her!

Hours and hours of playing, talking, drawing, and freezing outside so they could "clean" the playhouse ended with supper around the kitchen table. She has the best manners I've ever seen. She was grateful for everything, and when I asked who'd like to bless the food she and Madison took turns thanking God for each other, for family, and "A" ended hers with, "God thank you so much for the food here and for us all having a roof over our heads. We love you so much! Amen." How many children can really appreciate having a roof over their head?

With a heavy heart we loaded up to take her back to the children's home at the end of our evening. She's not approved to have a "family friend" so even once all of our paper work and background checks and such are completed, she still won't be able to ever stay the night with us.

We all walked her in and she seemed sad to leave our house, yet happy to be back "home." She was eager to show us her BEAUTIFUL room and the framed photo of her mom and dad. After a few minutes visiting with everyone we were ready to head back home. She asked, "Do you think i could come over again really soon?" With her current situation I don't know how often we can have her over, so I simply said, "I really hope so!"

Madison has asked every day since why she can't stay with us, why we can't adopt her, why she can't come over EVERY day. Can she come this Saturday? Can she come to church Sunday? Her heart is so beautiful. God is working in her constantly.

Circumstances being as they are, it seems that "A" will likely never be a child that can be with our family. However, I see that God used "A" to launch us forward. There are so many children taken from their homes and the fortunate few end up in awesome foster homes or a fantastic place like our Baptist Home. What about the rest? What happens to them?

We hope to be an approved "family friend" family through the  Baptist Home sooner than later - depending upon how long all of the stuff takes to complete. After that, I am in prayer that we will continue moving forward. That we won't stop there.

Sex Sells

We had a few friends over to watch the Super  Bowl last night, and thankfully as we watched the Saints win, our children were busy playing with their friends and not paying a lick of attention.

I remember watching this ball game every year with my dad, stepmom, and brothers. I don't recall  my dad ever having to mute the TV or quickly change the channel because of inappropriate content. Welcome to the future!

I was really appauled at some of the sexual content of a lot of the commercials. Especially the infamous ones presented by Go Daddy. It seems that the days of families gathering around the TV to cheer on their teams might become a thing of the past. I would have certainly been highly upset if my children would have seen any that.

Is there really no such thing as good family entertainment anymore? I know that sex sells, and that as adults we have the right to watch what we want - I'm cool with that. However, I'd have to assume that most people would find it highly offensive for Nick Jr. to run ads like the ones mentioned because you KNOW children are watching. Should not the same be assumed for sports? Am I off my rocker here?

The Start of Something New

I keep telling myself that she's just a "normal" girl... but,  I have major butterflies in my stomach. I feel an immense amount of pressure to be super normal, and perfect. With what she's been through in life, how can I be anything but amazing for her? With her sad idea of what a normal family is like, what if mine also proves to be disappointing?

This weekend Madison and I will have our first play date with a child that's "in the system." A child that was taken from her home, a child that I have heard is an amazingly sweet and loving kid.

I keep reassuring myself that a lunch date at the place of her choice isn't that big of a deal. That if she chooses to come over to play afterwards - that I'll just supervise everything and we'll act like everything's normal. Just like if it was a typical friend from school. My heart's ache for her and her situation is the difference.

I don't want her to feel that I look at her with sadness or with feelings of "you poor thing." I just want her, if only for a few hours, to feel normal. Is that possible? Please be in prayer with me that tomorrow, a little girl so deserving of an amazing life, will simply feel normal.

Take Care of Your Own First?

I was reading a short article about the orphaned Haitian children being brought to the USA for care and possibly being adopted by American families when I became shockingly aware of the controversy surrounding this ordeal.

I was completely floored when reading the comments to the article. Many apparently feel that Americans need to only take care of American orphans. "Take care of your own" as one lovely commenter put it. Our own? What does this mean? Does that mean as a white family my family should only ever foster or adopt white children? Does it mean we should only take in children from Arkansas? From our city? "Our own.." something about this just makes me ill. We are all God's children and therefore we are all responcible for each other.

One thing that people don't often realize is there is a huge difference in the way orphans are treated here in the states verses third world countries. (not that things are perfect here.. perfect would be no such thing as an orphan b/c so many families are trying to help them.) Much less when that country is rocked to shambles and there is no food, water, or shelter. Bring those babies here!

I do understand the general idea of what they are saying, though. I've heard many people wonder why people choose to adopt internationally when there are so many children here in need of homes. My best answer, though never having walked in those shoes, would be b/c of what I mentioned above. They probably learn about the horrid conditions of the orphanages in other places and feel God telling them to act. To help.

I just find it a little bit appalling  that anyone would have a problem with children being helped by Americans. This may be a great way to spread God's word to children that possibly would not have heard it otherwise. This could start a great movement of love. Who knows what God is using this for, and using America for in this eve of such destruction.

Am I blinded by ideology? Should we only be focused on the children without homes in America?

Congo Women - Most Brutilized Victims of War

Picture this scenario:

You're sitting in your home, making lunch, chatting with your children, and going on with daily life as you know it. Suddenly you hear a commotion outside and your front door slams open. Six men armed with guns, machetes, and knives storm into your home. Your children scream and cry. They grab you. They hold you down, and all six of them take turns brutally raping you as your family watches. When they finish they try to force your own little brother to also rape you and stab him to death when he refuses. He is only six years old. When they leave you are kidnapped and raped every day for 8 months by them, you become pregnant with one of their children, and you have no idea if your own children are dead or alive. Finally you get away, return home and find your children are alive, but are shunned because you have been violated. Your family, friends, and your entire city avoid you like the plague because of what happened to you. Now what?

Is this tough to read? Imagine living it.

Every single day women in the Congo are raped, kidnapped, and murdered as the country sits back and watches. Rape is the weapon of choice used by the angry and power-hungry men in the area as they try to gain control of everyone in every village. The rape is so brutal that many women lose control of bodily functions afterwards (due to permanent damage that only surgery can correct), or they die from subsequent infections.

When they are known to have been raped the woman's family often casts her away and it is not uncommon for these same women to starve to death due to having no one to turn to, and no where to go. Women in the Congo are said to be more likely to be raped than to learn how to read. Can you imagine living this hell?

It isn't just women that suffer this fate. Children as young as 3 are enduring the same horrific life. Rape is now spreading to men to force the fear even farther into the society. Now that it's happening to men... maybe something will be done to stop it.

These issues are real. These issues are happening TODAY. The more I read about it, see about it, and learn about it, the more I think, "We must do SOMETHING."

America can get a really bad rep from other countries, but there is no other nation in the world that gives as much as we do. Not we as in our government, but we as individuals that ban together for a cause. Americans are by nature humanitarians. We love people and we cannot bear to see suffering occur.

Sometimes this lack of being able to handle how sad and upset knowing about other's suffering makes us, we turn away. We bury our heads. We say "that's so horrible.. I can't read anymore of it!" This is NOT how problems get solved. This is NOT how women with no hope find help. This is NOT what you would want others to do if you were that African woman, victimized, brutalized, starving to death, and likely now infected with HIV.

With everything I've been reading on this topic, one group keeps showing up again and again. Women for Women. They help these women that have no hope and they teach them skills to help them make money. They teach them to read. They make life possible for them. If possible, I highly encourage everyone to support their cause with donations. If you're unable to provide monetary support, please provide PRAYER support. God loves these people and I personally know the power of prayer to be truly amazing. Dedicate time each day to have focused prayer time for not just the women, but the people in the Congo and in Africa as a whole. That their hearts will change, that women will be seen as equals to men, that children will have the same rights as everyone else.

Last but not least, EDUCATE YOURSELF. Your own home, your own family, your own church, and your own friends are not what make this world go round. God created us to worship him and to love each other. Though they are not near us in geography, according to God's word they ARE our neighbors. They are our brothers and sisters in Christ. Will you at least read this story (by Anderson Cooper and CBS News) and see if God tugs on your heart to do something? Maybe he will, maybe he won't. But, don't hide... it is there and it is happening whether we ignore it or not.

New Year's Resolutions

I feel the need to start this post by saying, "How on earth is it 2010?!"

Now that I've gotten that out of my system... it seems obvious that most bloggers will want to share their New Year's resolutions. I'd guess that many of them are things like lose weight, quite smoking, and get out of debt.

My resolutions are a bit different. I haven't given them a ton of thought, but the best I can figure, I have very few.

1. Move

In 2010 I plan to have my house sold and my family moved into a different house on a larger piece of land, closer to town. We're soo close to getting there. If the perfect place would show up, that would really help us get this show on the road! Alas, small town living provides very little in the way of real estate.

2. Expand My Business

I can't believe how things have blown up in the past 6 months or so with Canine Corrections. I hope to keep this trend going in a big way this year. This is a big reason for resolution #1. More land that's closer to town will likely equal more business. We'll see if it's in the cards!

3. Don't Get Lazy on Health

Being busier than ever makes it harder than ever to eat right and exercise. Thankfully my job is centered around mucho walking and jogging.. but the eating? Not exactly. I took about a month off of even thinking about what I was eating with Dad passing away and the holiday season.. so now I've got to refocus myself and start planning out healthy meals again. The fact that Clayton is signing up to run a half marathon in the spring helps me do this! (he asked if I wanted to do it with him.. HA!)

I think that's about it! I feel pretty good about everything right now, so that's a different way to start a new year for me. I suppose I stuck to my last year's resoultions.. whatever those were, to get here.

Last year was full of amazing times along with some of the most stressful, difficult, painful, and exhausting times of my life. Isn't it odd how that tends to happen? The good with the bad as they say.

Is anyone brave enough to share their resolutions? Beware.. I might hold you to them!