Posts
I was reading a blog tonight and the writer was talking about how some people express that they think homeschooled children can't possibly be socialized... I would imagine anyone that truly felt that way had never met a family that homeschools.. or not more than one. ***side note - Doesn't it totally suck when someone only meets ONE family that lives sort of like yours and they base everyone from there on out by them? "Well they homeschooled and they had WEIRD kids... so that was a BAD idea!" Here's a novel idea - weird kids come from weird parents. Not always... but for real yo.... that's been my observation. (I'm sorry in advance, kids. You probably did get at least SOME of my genes..)
I also have read at least two other blogs in the past week or so that had similar feelings, with different issues. Of course, many were in relation to being judged b/c of being a foster family. Oh the things people think.. but even more shocking, the things they actually say.. OUT LOUD.. TO YOU. And I thought my filter was bad!
Here's my beef: how can anyone seriously judge families that are only doing what they feel God is leading them to do? If they act out of love for their children, then how can this be harmful if they're not extremist fruit-cakes?
And, if we all screw up our kids by living out of the box.. what's it to you? How does this affect you and your life? It doesn't. I answered that for ya!
I try not to do many posts like this b/c it's just a topic that is likely to stir people up, and my goal in blogging now is just to document our walk through this journey and hopefully be approachable to anyone that stumbles upon this randomness, that might be wondering about fostering or adopting themselves. Also, I have to say, I USUALLY don't feel judged. Sure, people stare, and even giggle sometimes, at our family size. I mean, we do look rather odd, I admit it! I'd stare too I'm sure. :) People make comments like "Well you've got your hands full" but I don't see it as rude or mean. I think they are just curious, interested, and want to find a way to talk to me. They'd probably be much more obnoxious to me if they knew that 3 of my 6 children have different fathers... making a grand total of 4 "baby's daddies" to contend with - and they'd judge me harshly without knowing the truth of our situation. They'd miss that we also have two other "baby's momma's" to deal with... and when I say "deal with".. that sounds bad I guess, but in my brain-dead state it's all I can come up with. Give me a break, I've got 6 kids. Seriously.
I have no idea what the point of this post is. I guess to say, hey, we all feel judged. Even if we do what "most people do", whatever that is, there will just always be things that we feel especially sensitive about. Even if someone says something, and they're not judging, it can come across that way because of our thin skin on the topic. For example - it would not be in your best interest to try to convince me that fostering children that have no home is going to hurt or corrupt my own children. My response will likely be, "Oh.. yeah.. well I obviously don't care about my kids that much so it doesn't concern me." Humph. How else should we answer that? I did once rattle off the stat about how 1 in 3 women in the USA have been sexually abused at some point, and that 1 out of 3 women are NOT sexually assaulting children or other people in a moment of lost cool... and I think I also said, "and i'm not an idiot.. I promise I know more about this than you.. because we LIVE this.. and you don't." I'm sure that person hates me... not my best day.
So - let's all take this time to just get it all out! Pour your heart out people! Whether it's judgement you feel from homeschooling, public schooling, working, not working, spanking, not spanking, bottle feeding, breastfeeding, fostering, not fostering, or coloring your hair pink - let's have a hay day of it! Then, we can take a deep breath, feel better, and get back to our regularly scheduled programming. Everyone needs a vent day every now and then, right?
Showing posts with label What I'm Thinking. Show all posts
Showing posts with label What I'm Thinking. Show all posts
Monday, March 14, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Hello World!
I'm sorry for my blogging absence... I've been trapped under endless loads of laundry. I'm seeing why families with this many kids often have two sets of washers and dryers. Mental note for the future...
There has been so much going on lately - and yet nothing has really changed. We are still Clayton and Mandy plus 6, but that may soon change. One of our foster boy's biological father's has surfaced and wants custody - we'll see what the court decides next month. My feelings on him possibly leaving range wildly. One day I think, "Dear God if they're going to do it, do it now!" because of his "after-visits" behavior. When things calm down, and he's regulated again, I could sit and cry at the thought of him not being here, being separated from his brother... and put into ANOTHER new school. 3 schools in your kindergarten year does not seem like a great start. I'm often finding myself thankful that I have zero control over any of it. I would not want to be put into that spot to make a decision as to what's in "the best interest" of a child.
Other than "typical" DHS stuff, upcoming events for us include tons of baseball and dance stuff. Dance pictures are this coming weekend - I've done nothing to get Madison's costume ready for that. Nice. Everyone that wants to play baseball is now registered except for Emily. Working on that.
I'm really excited about ball season! It's such an "All American" sport, and seeing the same families on the fields year after year just makes small town living what it should be. Don't get me wrong, the last two weeks I always feel like "Seriously.. we have 4 more games?!" because I'm ready for the season to end before the season is ready to end, but maybe this year will be different... yeah.... sure...
On that note - I do want to share a tidbit of info that an older gentleman gave to me when my first two started playing ball. I was talking about the "stress" of getting ready and going here and there and everywhere. How I missed our lazy afternoons at home. His words have stuck with me:
"We always used sports as family time. It is so much fun if parents just see it as fun.. the kids won't get stressed if you don't. We had some of the best laughs traveling to and from games.. eating out afterwards.. getting slushies from the concession stand. It was some of the best memories we ever made."
I want THAT for us, too! Last year I made the decision to never let my kids see any stress on my face in regards to their activities. It made the soccer and baseball season so enjoyable! I still look back on last year as such a wonderful time. This year we'll have 3 more kids to share those memories with. Memories their own families never made, and likely never will even if they return home. What an honor!! When they hear the clank of a baseball against a bat in the future, they will likely think of being with the Moss family. When they smell hot dogs and popcorn on a summer day, they might just remember the fun we all had at the ball field.
That's what I hope they remember - THE FUN. Not that mom and dad were always stressed out about it. Not that we fussed about "having" to go here or there. Just that Mom and Dad were ALWAYS at our games. They ALWAYS cheered for us. And we ALWAYS got to get a lollipop to eat on the way home... even though Mom hates candy in the van...
There has been so much going on lately - and yet nothing has really changed. We are still Clayton and Mandy plus 6, but that may soon change. One of our foster boy's biological father's has surfaced and wants custody - we'll see what the court decides next month. My feelings on him possibly leaving range wildly. One day I think, "Dear God if they're going to do it, do it now!" because of his "after-visits" behavior. When things calm down, and he's regulated again, I could sit and cry at the thought of him not being here, being separated from his brother... and put into ANOTHER new school. 3 schools in your kindergarten year does not seem like a great start. I'm often finding myself thankful that I have zero control over any of it. I would not want to be put into that spot to make a decision as to what's in "the best interest" of a child.
Other than "typical" DHS stuff, upcoming events for us include tons of baseball and dance stuff. Dance pictures are this coming weekend - I've done nothing to get Madison's costume ready for that. Nice. Everyone that wants to play baseball is now registered except for Emily. Working on that.
I'm really excited about ball season! It's such an "All American" sport, and seeing the same families on the fields year after year just makes small town living what it should be. Don't get me wrong, the last two weeks I always feel like "Seriously.. we have 4 more games?!" because I'm ready for the season to end before the season is ready to end, but maybe this year will be different... yeah.... sure...
On that note - I do want to share a tidbit of info that an older gentleman gave to me when my first two started playing ball. I was talking about the "stress" of getting ready and going here and there and everywhere. How I missed our lazy afternoons at home. His words have stuck with me:
"We always used sports as family time. It is so much fun if parents just see it as fun.. the kids won't get stressed if you don't. We had some of the best laughs traveling to and from games.. eating out afterwards.. getting slushies from the concession stand. It was some of the best memories we ever made."
I want THAT for us, too! Last year I made the decision to never let my kids see any stress on my face in regards to their activities. It made the soccer and baseball season so enjoyable! I still look back on last year as such a wonderful time. This year we'll have 3 more kids to share those memories with. Memories their own families never made, and likely never will even if they return home. What an honor!! When they hear the clank of a baseball against a bat in the future, they will likely think of being with the Moss family. When they smell hot dogs and popcorn on a summer day, they might just remember the fun we all had at the ball field.
That's what I hope they remember - THE FUN. Not that mom and dad were always stressed out about it. Not that we fussed about "having" to go here or there. Just that Mom and Dad were ALWAYS at our games. They ALWAYS cheered for us. And we ALWAYS got to get a lollipop to eat on the way home... even though Mom hates candy in the van...
Sunday, January 23, 2011
The Prolife Church?
Today I have had a mixture of joy and a mixture of sadness as I see Facebook swamped with prolife messages.. apparently it's prolife "day"... sorry, I'm not sure of the exact title.
Pastor's braved up in many churches today and spoke prolife messages. People likely churned in their seats... some wanting to stand up and applaud, some wanting to hide, some seething in anger. Abortion is one of those topics... few things stir people up like that word.
I have always been pro-life, and I would hope my actual life would show that. From a teen mom that chose life to a mom that now takes in children with no where else to go... I guess you could say we're a pro-life family.
Being "in the trenches" as it would be, I find myself increasingly frustrated with the church. Not my church.. not your church.. but the church as in "us."
We beat our Bibles and blog and Facebook and yell from picket lines that "abortion is a sin!" "It's MURDER!" "You'll go to hell!" "It's a CHILD not a CHOICE!"
Do I believe abortion is a sin? Yes. Do I believe an unborn baby is a "real" baby? Absolutely. Do I believe this method of screaming is helpful at all? No.
The people that already are pro-life will rally around you.. they'll comment on your blog posts and say "here here!" and they'll like your status updates... so will I. ;) The truth is... it doesn't change anything. Why? Because that's the truth.. words can be powerful, they can call us to action.. but without action.. NOTHING ever changes.
Most studies I've found say 1 in 50 children in America are homeless. IN AMERICA. In 2008 one study said there were 123,000 orphans IN AMERICA. Let's not forget how many more children in other countries are without food, shelter, and families. Living alone.... dying of starvation. Dying of AIDS. Dying from dehydration and illness. Suffering horrendously because someone chose life...
The sad truth is, for many people, there are worse things than death. I know this won't be a popular statement... I'm prepared for that, but until we as Christians stop telling everyone how prolife we are, and start LIVING how prolife we are... then there will always be abortion. There will always be unloved and unwanted babies ending up in dumpsters. There will always be children that spend years and years in foster care, never being adopted. How does a child age out of the system? How does an infant come into foster care IN AMERICA and never get adopted? How can we scream how much we LOVE children.. how MEANINGFUL their lives are to us and "should be to others" when we do NOTHING. Nothing. nothing.
I pray that today this prolife message will hit someone. I pray it will open someone's eyes. Being prolife isn't a political position. It isn't an emotion. It isn't a belief. It's a way of life. How can your life SHOW you support unborn babies, their struggling mothers, and their hopeless situation? There are ways that don't include fostering or adopting... but you have to find them.
Are you really prolife? Show it.
Pastor's braved up in many churches today and spoke prolife messages. People likely churned in their seats... some wanting to stand up and applaud, some wanting to hide, some seething in anger. Abortion is one of those topics... few things stir people up like that word.
I have always been pro-life, and I would hope my actual life would show that. From a teen mom that chose life to a mom that now takes in children with no where else to go... I guess you could say we're a pro-life family.
Being "in the trenches" as it would be, I find myself increasingly frustrated with the church. Not my church.. not your church.. but the church as in "us."
We beat our Bibles and blog and Facebook and yell from picket lines that "abortion is a sin!" "It's MURDER!" "You'll go to hell!" "It's a CHILD not a CHOICE!"
Do I believe abortion is a sin? Yes. Do I believe an unborn baby is a "real" baby? Absolutely. Do I believe this method of screaming is helpful at all? No.
The people that already are pro-life will rally around you.. they'll comment on your blog posts and say "here here!" and they'll like your status updates... so will I. ;) The truth is... it doesn't change anything. Why? Because that's the truth.. words can be powerful, they can call us to action.. but without action.. NOTHING ever changes.
Most studies I've found say 1 in 50 children in America are homeless. IN AMERICA. In 2008 one study said there were 123,000 orphans IN AMERICA. Let's not forget how many more children in other countries are without food, shelter, and families. Living alone.... dying of starvation. Dying of AIDS. Dying from dehydration and illness. Suffering horrendously because someone chose life...
The sad truth is, for many people, there are worse things than death. I know this won't be a popular statement... I'm prepared for that, but until we as Christians stop telling everyone how prolife we are, and start LIVING how prolife we are... then there will always be abortion. There will always be unloved and unwanted babies ending up in dumpsters. There will always be children that spend years and years in foster care, never being adopted. How does a child age out of the system? How does an infant come into foster care IN AMERICA and never get adopted? How can we scream how much we LOVE children.. how MEANINGFUL their lives are to us and "should be to others" when we do NOTHING. Nothing. nothing.
I pray that today this prolife message will hit someone. I pray it will open someone's eyes. Being prolife isn't a political position. It isn't an emotion. It isn't a belief. It's a way of life. How can your life SHOW you support unborn babies, their struggling mothers, and their hopeless situation? There are ways that don't include fostering or adopting... but you have to find them.
Are you really prolife? Show it.
Friday, January 07, 2011
Where's my Maternity Leave?
One of my best friends and I were talking a few days ago and I told her how tired I am right now. Exhausted. Run down. I need to sleep for 15 hours straight-tired. She related.. she remembers those adrenaline-filled, constant going, days of fostering. Especially the first few weeks.
She made a remark that really struck a chord with me.
"When you have a new baby that's born from your body, everyone EXPECTS you to cocoon... to hide out.. to be relieved of your regular duties. But when you add two foster kids to your home, with only an hours notice.. it's like everyone expects you to just go on with life as usual."
YES. This is exactly what my problem is.
Not only does it seem that's how the general population feels... but it's a pressure I've placed upon myself. To keep my house just as clean as before. To spend as much one on one time with my kids as before.To keep up with church duties. To have supper on the table by 5:30... even though my husband is never home on time.. but that's an entirely different post - just like before. I can tell by the lack of a cape that I am not Supermom.. so why am I trying to immulate her?
She made a remark that really struck a chord with me.
"When you have a new baby that's born from your body, everyone EXPECTS you to cocoon... to hide out.. to be relieved of your regular duties. But when you add two foster kids to your home, with only an hours notice.. it's like everyone expects you to just go on with life as usual."
YES. This is exactly what my problem is.
Not only does it seem that's how the general population feels... but it's a pressure I've placed upon myself. To keep my house just as clean as before. To spend as much one on one time with my kids as before.To keep up with church duties. To have supper on the table by 5:30... even though my husband is never home on time.. but that's an entirely different post - just like before. I can tell by the lack of a cape that I am not Supermom.. so why am I trying to immulate her?
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Updates All Around
I sat and tried to think of something clever, witty, or interesting to blog about this morning... but my brain refused to cooperate. Sorry. Here's a few updates on all that's going on around here right now.
1. Foster Care
Nothing. Grrrr. We are still waiting for finger prints to come back. One would think that my husband's job as a Trooper would indicate to the powers that be that we are, in fact, not felons - but what do I know? I keep hearing from friends that do foster care about the calls they're getting, the kids they're seeing, and I'm becoming increasingly frustrated. Arkansas is probably one of the last states on the planet to deal with actual paper work. If things were done via computers.. I have no doubt this would've been done much, much faster.
2. School
With all of my heartache over sending the kids to school this year, I am happy to report that they are loving it! They don't miss their mommy... they don't want to be home. I know because I asked...
Madison is in 4th grade and she now gets to change classes for Math and Science. Carter is in 1st and he is in love with his teacher. We've known her for a few years so it made going back to school exciting for him. She's a first year teacher and she seems to be very full of energy and ideas! She has young children herself, and it shows with how well she deals with her class. I couldn't be more pleased!
Even Samuel is going to school this year. My best friend is a certified teacher and she opened her own little preschool in her home. Super small class size which I love, and Samuel loves her! He only goes 3 mornings a week, until noon. He's never ready to leave - and he's mad at me when I don't take him on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Humph. "But I want to go to school, Mommy! I love Mrs. Kim's school!"
I made the comment the other day that the only person in this house that wants to home school is me.
3. Other
It just seems like life is doing nothing new.. yet changing very quickly right now. This leaves me with a feeling of excitement, and distress. I feel like I have no idea what will be waiting around each corner. Will we get a call today about taking a child? Will we make plans to move soon? So much big stuff, for nothing to be really happening.
Life is busy but good right now. I can't complain! I hope life is being good you to all, too!
1. Foster Care
Nothing. Grrrr. We are still waiting for finger prints to come back. One would think that my husband's job as a Trooper would indicate to the powers that be that we are, in fact, not felons - but what do I know? I keep hearing from friends that do foster care about the calls they're getting, the kids they're seeing, and I'm becoming increasingly frustrated. Arkansas is probably one of the last states on the planet to deal with actual paper work. If things were done via computers.. I have no doubt this would've been done much, much faster.
2. School
With all of my heartache over sending the kids to school this year, I am happy to report that they are loving it! They don't miss their mommy... they don't want to be home. I know because I asked...
Madison is in 4th grade and she now gets to change classes for Math and Science. Carter is in 1st and he is in love with his teacher. We've known her for a few years so it made going back to school exciting for him. She's a first year teacher and she seems to be very full of energy and ideas! She has young children herself, and it shows with how well she deals with her class. I couldn't be more pleased!
Even Samuel is going to school this year. My best friend is a certified teacher and she opened her own little preschool in her home. Super small class size which I love, and Samuel loves her! He only goes 3 mornings a week, until noon. He's never ready to leave - and he's mad at me when I don't take him on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Humph. "But I want to go to school, Mommy! I love Mrs. Kim's school!"
I made the comment the other day that the only person in this house that wants to home school is me.
3. Other
It just seems like life is doing nothing new.. yet changing very quickly right now. This leaves me with a feeling of excitement, and distress. I feel like I have no idea what will be waiting around each corner. Will we get a call today about taking a child? Will we make plans to move soon? So much big stuff, for nothing to be really happening.
Life is busy but good right now. I can't complain! I hope life is being good you to all, too!
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Another Year - Another Round of Uncertainty
Each new school year brings a huge mixture of emotions in this house. The kids are anxious and excited - they're ready to see their friends again, ready to meet their teachers, and ready to get back to that familiar routine. I, on the other hand, am constantly combating feelings of uncertainty. There is always an uneasiness that takes over.
"Is this what's right for us?"
My kids have always gone to public schools. At age 4 they start the awesome Pre-K program we have and the they continue on year after year. I have to say, we've had great experiences. Amazing teachers, great friends made, fun activities, no getting into trouble, getting left behind, or anything like that. The kids enjoy school - especially Carter. There are no tears when it's time to go, no one whines to stay home. They really, honestly, enjoy it.
So, where does this feeling in my gut come from? Why do I always wonder "should I look into bringing them home?"
I called a good friend of mine, that's done home schooling and public schooling, and has settled on home schooling this year, to talk out my issues. I was amazed when she said, "I never know what's right either... I question myself just like you do."
Wow.. really?! I assumed that if you made the choice to home school, you'd feel sure about it. But, I'm finding more and more moms that honestly say, "I really don't know if this is best for them... or best for me. It's just the decision we made."
What's a mom to do?
For me, there's no question my kids are starting school this Thursday. We'll see how the year goes. I really feel like we're just taking it a day at a time, a month at a time, a year at a time. Maybe they'll start, love it, and I'll love it, too. Maybe this will be the year that doesn't go so well... and things change around here. I don't know - but it feels awful to question such a big decision.
Is anyone else on the fence about public school vs. home schooling - even though you've had children in school for years? (my oldest is going to 4th.) I know it's the socially acceptable way to do it... kids just go to school... but I can't help but step back and wonder if MY kids are getting the best they can from school, or if they'd get more from home. Could I teach them as well as their teachers have? Would I turn them into the stereo-typical "weird home schooled kids"? (please don't think I think home schooled kids are weird.. I know a whole herd of them and they are NOT. But, you know how people think..) I honestly don't know the answer to these questions.
"Is this what's right for us?"
My kids have always gone to public schools. At age 4 they start the awesome Pre-K program we have and the they continue on year after year. I have to say, we've had great experiences. Amazing teachers, great friends made, fun activities, no getting into trouble, getting left behind, or anything like that. The kids enjoy school - especially Carter. There are no tears when it's time to go, no one whines to stay home. They really, honestly, enjoy it.
So, where does this feeling in my gut come from? Why do I always wonder "should I look into bringing them home?"
I called a good friend of mine, that's done home schooling and public schooling, and has settled on home schooling this year, to talk out my issues. I was amazed when she said, "I never know what's right either... I question myself just like you do."
Wow.. really?! I assumed that if you made the choice to home school, you'd feel sure about it. But, I'm finding more and more moms that honestly say, "I really don't know if this is best for them... or best for me. It's just the decision we made."
What's a mom to do?
For me, there's no question my kids are starting school this Thursday. We'll see how the year goes. I really feel like we're just taking it a day at a time, a month at a time, a year at a time. Maybe they'll start, love it, and I'll love it, too. Maybe this will be the year that doesn't go so well... and things change around here. I don't know - but it feels awful to question such a big decision.
Is anyone else on the fence about public school vs. home schooling - even though you've had children in school for years? (my oldest is going to 4th.) I know it's the socially acceptable way to do it... kids just go to school... but I can't help but step back and wonder if MY kids are getting the best they can from school, or if they'd get more from home. Could I teach them as well as their teachers have? Would I turn them into the stereo-typical "weird home schooled kids"? (please don't think I think home schooled kids are weird.. I know a whole herd of them and they are NOT. But, you know how people think..) I honestly don't know the answer to these questions.
Monday, August 09, 2010
Bad Mommy Rehab
Hello, my name is Mandy, and I'm a Mommy Guilt-oholic.
But, I'm in rehab - if only for today.
Every Monday feel free to join in with Mommy Rehab! We spend enough time bashing ourselves, feeling guilty over every little thing, and comparing ourselves to other moms. Just for today, let's say one good mommy moment we've had!
I had a good mommy moment this morning. Go me!
It started with no less than 30 minutes of total "in-your-face" time with the kids. I admit that I planned this super-awesome quality time because I needed no less than 30 minutes of "not in my face" time to follow. I have all kinds of facts and quotes to sort through to write my next article. I have enough trouble with my train of thought derailing without having my shoulder tapped every 2 minutes.
So, what's the good mommy moment you're wondering?
Midway through reading a very important sheet for work, and just getting my wheels a'turnin as to how I'd present all of this stuff in a good read.... tap, tap, tap.
"Moomeeee...???" - Samuel (3yr old)
"Yeeesssss??" - Me
"Will you please read me this book?" - Samuel
I took a moment, fought my annoyance with the interruption, and said, "Well... okay!"
One book turned into about 15 (yes, really) and we had a grand time snuggling on the couch. He's so darn cute. :)
So - I put my sweetie-pie above some really important work today. Go me! Can't always do that... I do believe in teaching kids that the world doesn't revolve around them, but for today it just felt like the perfect time to abandon work to cuddle with my little guy.
Read the origin of this movement on B in Real Life! Get involved! Let's put an end to the mommy guilt!
But, I'm in rehab - if only for today.
Every Monday feel free to join in with Mommy Rehab! We spend enough time bashing ourselves, feeling guilty over every little thing, and comparing ourselves to other moms. Just for today, let's say one good mommy moment we've had!
I had a good mommy moment this morning. Go me!
It started with no less than 30 minutes of total "in-your-face" time with the kids. I admit that I planned this super-awesome quality time because I needed no less than 30 minutes of "not in my face" time to follow. I have all kinds of facts and quotes to sort through to write my next article. I have enough trouble with my train of thought derailing without having my shoulder tapped every 2 minutes.
So, what's the good mommy moment you're wondering?
Midway through reading a very important sheet for work, and just getting my wheels a'turnin as to how I'd present all of this stuff in a good read.... tap, tap, tap.
"Moomeeee...???" - Samuel (3yr old)
"Yeeesssss??" - Me
"Will you please read me this book?" - Samuel
I took a moment, fought my annoyance with the interruption, and said, "Well... okay!"
One book turned into about 15 (yes, really) and we had a grand time snuggling on the couch. He's so darn cute. :)
So - I put my sweetie-pie above some really important work today. Go me! Can't always do that... I do believe in teaching kids that the world doesn't revolve around them, but for today it just felt like the perfect time to abandon work to cuddle with my little guy.
Read the origin of this movement on B in Real Life! Get involved! Let's put an end to the mommy guilt!
Tuesday, August 03, 2010
We're Just Cool.. Umm... Hot Like That
I heard on the radio this morning that yesterday Arkansas was the hottest place IN THE WORLD. (not always... but just for that day mind you.) Wow.. I definitely believe it! The heat index for my city was 120 yesterday. Is that even a real temperature? Did I fall asleep and wake up in Iraq?
Considering that a lot of my work involves being outside - running outside - walking outside - and taking dogs to potty outside... the heat index has not been my friend. Even the most rambunctious dogs I keep for daycare are eyeing at me with a serious look of "yeah right" when I grab leashes and expect them to get up off of the cool floor.
I tried to take the kids to the pool yesterday, because it's too hot to go outside, and too torturous to spend even another second in this house together. After suffering for an hour and a half, I had to pack up and leave. The pool felt like a warm bath. Not refreshing in 115 degree temps, but thanks for trying.
Back home for more TV and video games. Yeah. I did just say that.
I don't remember ever being "too hot" to play outside when I was a kid, but this seems to be a common phrase spoken around here lately. Are our kids turning into pansies or what? I mean, it's bad when you use outside time as a THREAT to get your kids to stop fighting.
"If anyone yells again, you HAVE to go outside to play!"
Mother of the year.. yep... right here.
No, but these poor guys did. Stay strong, Troops!
Considering that a lot of my work involves being outside - running outside - walking outside - and taking dogs to potty outside... the heat index has not been my friend. Even the most rambunctious dogs I keep for daycare are eyeing at me with a serious look of "yeah right" when I grab leashes and expect them to get up off of the cool floor.
Lady, it was 90 degrees when I got here at 8am - that afternoon walk ain't happenin'.
I tried to take the kids to the pool yesterday, because it's too hot to go outside, and too torturous to spend even another second in this house together. After suffering for an hour and a half, I had to pack up and leave. The pool felt like a warm bath. Not refreshing in 115 degree temps, but thanks for trying.
This is not what we use for pools in Arkansas -
just to clear that up
Back home for more TV and video games. Yeah. I did just say that.
I don't remember ever being "too hot" to play outside when I was a kid, but this seems to be a common phrase spoken around here lately. Are our kids turning into pansies or what? I mean, it's bad when you use outside time as a THREAT to get your kids to stop fighting.
"If anyone yells again, you HAVE to go outside to play!"
Thursday, July 29, 2010
I've Lost My Touch
I got a call this morning from my BFFs that they needed spur of the moment child care for their ridiculously precious baby boy. "Umm.. yes. Bring him - NOW."
He arrived at 8am, and here we are two hours later and this is all he's done:
He arrived at 8am, and here we are two hours later and this is all he's done:
He's just hanging out, sleeping, and looking adorable. My kids are mad because I won't let them touch him or otherwise wake him up.
In all honesty, I need him to wake up so that I can get some baby practice in. I have completely lost my ability to hold a baby and do anything else. When I hold him, that's all I do. Hold him.
How is it that I used to cook supper, bathe kids, put on kids' shoes... and basically save the world all with a baby in my arms? (Well... not that I would ever cook supper with a baby in my arms... I mean.. that would be dangerous...) Now, I need BOTH hands on this real-life doll to keep him from falling to his doom. The good news is.. there are 6 other arms just begging to get a`hold of him. Poor kid.
I'll either learn to get stuff done with this cuttie pie around or I'll just sit and look at him. Either way.. I'll call the day a success.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
I am Completely, Totally, Clueless
Over the past couple of months, the husband and I have been looking at house plans. I thought this would be a really fun experience, but as I sit and look at this book of "the 425 best-selling home plans" I feel very, very, small.
One would think you could figure out what your family needs in a home. How many bedrooms, bathrooms, one-story or two. An office? A playroom? Do we need a formal dining room or is an eat-in kitchen sufficient? I. Have. No. Idea.
So far, my favorite "on paper" house plans are laid out with the master bedroom and main living areas downstairs, and the other bedrooms upstairs. I've been told by a few people that it's a lot cheaper to build up than out, so to get the most space for your money, two-stories is the way to go. That sounds appealing.. but does walking up and down stairs to put away the 13 loads of laundry a day I'll be doing speak to me? Not in a nice way...
"I'd love to go for a walk today... but I can't move my legs after climbing 10 miles of stairs. Sorry."
My biggest debacle is bedrooms. How many should we have? At first, I thought 4. One for us, three extra. Kids can share... that'll be fine. Now, 5 is looking better. Someone may NEED their own room. We fill up 4 bedrooms with just the three kids we have now. Oh I don't know. It's a good thing this isn't a time-sensitive issue... we have tons of time to try to figure this all out.
Have you ever built a house? Done a lot of house hunting? What would you want if you could pick and choose your ideal home with a large family? Help a lady out!
One would think you could figure out what your family needs in a home. How many bedrooms, bathrooms, one-story or two. An office? A playroom? Do we need a formal dining room or is an eat-in kitchen sufficient? I. Have. No. Idea.
So far, my favorite "on paper" house plans are laid out with the master bedroom and main living areas downstairs, and the other bedrooms upstairs. I've been told by a few people that it's a lot cheaper to build up than out, so to get the most space for your money, two-stories is the way to go. That sounds appealing.. but does walking up and down stairs to put away the 13 loads of laundry a day I'll be doing speak to me? Not in a nice way...
My biggest debacle is bedrooms. How many should we have? At first, I thought 4. One for us, three extra. Kids can share... that'll be fine. Now, 5 is looking better. Someone may NEED their own room. We fill up 4 bedrooms with just the three kids we have now. Oh I don't know. It's a good thing this isn't a time-sensitive issue... we have tons of time to try to figure this all out.
Have you ever built a house? Done a lot of house hunting? What would you want if you could pick and choose your ideal home with a large family? Help a lady out!
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Will My Hair Hold me Back?
I posted recently about how I accepted a part-time writing position for our local news website Monticello Live. I have to say that so far I LOVE it. This is my kind of job! The hours are my kind of working hours (evenings usually) and they don't require me to be away from home much. I can do the 'real' work when I carve out time at home. Love it, love it, love it!
At one of the last meetings I attended (Quorum Court) I took a glance around.
"Do I stick out like a sore thumb?"
All around me were women, older than I am, probably 40x's smarter than I am, with these super cute, professional shorter hair styles.
"Hmmmmmm..."
I came home that evening to discuss my big hair concerns with my hubby.
"Does my long hair make me look stupid? You know.. like a kid? Like... I'm just here to try to look pretty and not to report on this meeting?"
He was oh-so helpful when his response was basically, "Who cares.... I like your long hair... don't cut it off because of that."
Thanks sweetie.. really.
Since that night I've taken a look around nearly everywhere I go. Most professional women I encounter tend to have shorter hair styles.
I can only think of one friend of mine, off the top of my head, that works full-time and has long hair. Hi Lauren! Her gorgeous locks were the reason I grew mine back out again.
Now, don't get me wrong. I'm loving my hair long right now. I've had it shorter for the past few years due to it being easier with little kids, but now, I'm enjoying my "princess" look as a friend's husband used to call it. Hi Amanda and Justin!
What do you think? Does a woman with long hair send a signal that she's not professional or as smart as her peers? Does shorter hair instantly make you appear more "together" in the work place? Perhaps I'm just over-thinking this.
At one of the last meetings I attended (Quorum Court) I took a glance around.
"Do I stick out like a sore thumb?"
All around me were women, older than I am, probably 40x's smarter than I am, with these super cute, professional shorter hair styles.
"Hmmmmmm..."
I came home that evening to discuss my big hair concerns with my hubby.
"Does my long hair make me look stupid? You know.. like a kid? Like... I'm just here to try to look pretty and not to report on this meeting?"
My hair and I would like to quote you on that.
Thanks sweetie.. really.
Since that night I've taken a look around nearly everywhere I go. Most professional women I encounter tend to have shorter hair styles.
I earn twice as much as that long-hair chic..
I can only think of one friend of mine, off the top of my head, that works full-time and has long hair. Hi Lauren! Her gorgeous locks were the reason I grew mine back out again.
Now, don't get me wrong. I'm loving my hair long right now. I've had it shorter for the past few years due to it being easier with little kids, but now, I'm enjoying my "princess" look as a friend's husband used to call it. Hi Amanda and Justin!
What do you think? Does a woman with long hair send a signal that she's not professional or as smart as her peers? Does shorter hair instantly make you appear more "together" in the work place? Perhaps I'm just over-thinking this.
Wednesday, July 07, 2010
My Love - Hate Relationship with The View
There are few daytime TV shows that I watch religiously, but this is one of them. This show makes me so angry, yet so happy at the same time. Go figure!
To understand where I'm coming from you must first realize I'm born and raised in the south - which equals conservative. Can't help it.. it's in my blood line. Enter: Elisabeth. I love her. (the cute blonde on the left for those that aren't aware) She is my fellow right-winged warrior fighting a losing battle with everyone else.
Enter: the hate part of our relationship.
It seems that every other lady on this show is not only liberal but extremely loud. Poor Elisabeth.. she doesn't stand a chance. It's okay hun... I got yo' back! I'm yelling at the TV that Obama dropped the ball with this BP crap, too, I don't think Sarah Palin is the anti-Christ either, and gosh-darnit I agree that there's too much gluten in the world! I should totally be the next guest co-host. I 'think' I can yell louder than Joy... it's possible. I've had more experience with constructive yelling being a mom to 3. I'm used to being in the arena of my beliefs all alone... so that's cool.
I 'think' that Sherry might be more in line with Elisabeth than with the others but since Joy and Whoopi are so loud I never get to hear her finish a thought... so who can tell. ("who can tell" in memory of Grandma Moss)
Watching this show likely raises my blood pressure... I'm always trying to discern one loud voice from the others during heated debates so I can know who will be the one to tap me into the fight. if only in my mind.
Even with always being upset that "my" point of view never seems to be expressed thoroughly during Hot Topics, I just cannot stop watching this show! Am I the only psycho person that is addicted to a show that sends me into hysteria?
Tuesday, July 06, 2010
And, I'm Drawing a Blank
Something amazing happens after you have a few kids... you completely lose your ability to form a complete sentence, or answer a question intelligently on the fly. This tends to only happen in times that you're either:
A: In front of a lot of strangers
B: Being asked about very important info
C: Asked something you should obviously know the answer to
One of the first times this ever happened to me was when I was in Motherhood Maternity. After what seemed like hours of sorting Moo Moo's from what might be stylish clothes, I arrived at the checkout counter. After recovering from a massive stroke due to sticker shock, the lady **that was all of 16 years old and a size 2** looked at me and asked,
"Zip code please"
Me: stares blankly
Sickeningly thin girl: "I need your zip code please."
Me: "Umm... I have no idea..." utter humiliation begins
I believe this conversation ended with me telling her to just make one up for me... it took me a good 20 minutes after leaving the store to remember where exactly in the United States of America I lived. I blamed it on pregnant brain.
Imagine my shock when this condition not only didn't go away after pregnancy.. but got worse! Oh yes... much worse.
I have since then walked into rooms and completely forgotten why I was in there - numerous times a day.
I have forgotten people's names that I've met several times. Or, I've not only forgotten their names, but also how I know them at all. It is very difficult to get any answers about said person from the husband later in this situation.
"Remember that girl with shoulder-length brown hair? She's my height.. a little bigger than I am? I saw her at Walmart today. Who is that? Why do I know her?" *husband is now giving me the look I gave to the skinny b-word at Motherhood Maternity.
Multiplication Tables - those magically disappeared.
This is the new easy way to teach multiplication?!
"chief... cheif...piece...peice..." I before E except after C.. right? Is that right? Ugh.. let me open spell check..
I swear I used to be smart. Like.. REALLY smart. "Hey Mandy, do my homework" smart. I don't know where it went.
Just this morning, I was calling our insurance and claims people all morning about this situation, and one of them, shockingly, asked what type of van we had.
"Umm...it's a Ford..." Yeah, they needed more info than that.
Right as I was about to walk out the front door to read the back of my totally jacked up vehicle, it suddenly came to me! "Oh.. it's a Freestar!" I honestly did a little jig in the living room because I was able to recall that info without cheating. Sad times, my friends.
Trying to remember everyone's birthdays about kills me. Not so much the days, but the years... and I realized the other day that I also suddenly cannot remember what time it was when each of my children were ripped from my womb. (Csections...) When asked by each of them "what time was I born?!" The best answer I could give was, "Sometime between 5:00am and 7:00am... I think." I've turned into the cable guy.
It's really amazing that I have remembered to feed these kids over all of these years. And, trim their fingernails. (It's really freakish how fast those suckers grow.) They may be taking care of me well before my golden years if I keep up at this rate. Sorry kids. I swear I had it all together before I became a mom.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Your Job Isn't Harder Than Mine
I have to admit, I don't get it. Why do we as moms NEED someone to acknowledge how hard we work? I don't mean our husbands.. because they had better spend hours each day talking about what Superwomen we are... but the rest of the world? Who cares?
Some of the hottest episodes on talk shows over the years have probably been the ones that pitted stay-at-home moms against working moms. CAT FIGHT!
"If you loved your kids you'd be at home! I'd NEVER leave my children!"
"If you loved your husband you'd take the pressure off of him by helping make a living!"
"My kids will grow up much better individuals because I spent every second of life with them!"
"My kids will have more respect for women because they see that women can do anything they want!"
Sound familiar? Does it really? If it does, you need a new group of lady friends.
Where's the love, ladies? Gee whiz! Can't we all join hands across America here and realize that at the end of the day we all want the same things? A safe home, happy and healthy children that know they are loved "THIS MUCH!", and a super hot husband that hands us a glass of wine as he draws us a bubble bath. Wait.. what was I saying? Oh, yeah. We're all pretty much the same.
When I've actually allowed myself to enter the drama of these TV shows, when the high heels start being taken off as weapons, I can't help but wonder if there are really women in the world that feel this strongly about what OTHER people do? I like staying home.. I like working.. so I work at home. I would say the majority of my friends work away from home at full-time jobs. I only have a hand-full of friends that stay at home full time. Guess what, we all get together for girls' night out and talk about the same topics.
1. I'm tired
2. Men
3. Kids
4. I need to lose weight
5. Sex
6. Work (whatever that might mean to each of us)
*not necessarly in that order
We've never had a throw down over a chocolate cake about who is more qualified to remain on planet earth based on our daily activities. Not even in our minds. My friends that work out of the home full time have NEVER put me down about "getting" to work at home. I've never implied that they are lucky for being away all day. None of us think that our stay at home mom friends are "lazy" or "not contributing." Where is the real drama in the world? Is it real or is it made up for ratings?
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
If No One Was Watching...
... I would have licked the peel off top of my yogurt, and then eaten my Nutty Bar in layers instead of taking bigger bites like a normal person. *in DHS parenting classes
... I would have gone back to the buffet a couple more times. *in Mazzio's
... I would have broken out into dance when Kesha's Blah, Blah, Blah came on while I was jogging. *jogging down my road
... I would have thrown rocks at your yappy dog that always chases me barking when I jog. *jogging down my road
... I would've let out a scream of frustration over a bathing suit that was recalled and you wouldn't sell to me.. after an hour in your store with 4 tired, cranky kids. *in Walmart
... I would have totally left the bathroom without washing my hands.. I'm not here to eat. *in Walmart
... I would've probably tail-gated you out of frustration when you were driving 20mph below the speed limit, but I was afraid we might be going to the same place. *on the way to church Sunday
... I really wouldn't have cared that my boys were running a few circles around the cart while I shopped. *in Walmart
... I would've let my extreme boredom show and my annoyance with having to be here. *in DHS parenting class
... I'd have pinned that dog down on the ground for being a brat while I was working with him, but figured someone would think I was terrible if they didn't understand dog behavior. *walking a dog at the park
... I'd have said what I really thought of your status update... *on Facebook
... I would have smacked you in the back of the head for talking to your child like that... *at the doctor's office
... I would have smacked your child for talking to me like that.. *okay.. so not really.. but we've all been there..
... I'd absolutely sing and dance like a lunatic in the van.. *oh, wait.. I do do that..
Maybe it's best that people are watching...
... I would have gone back to the buffet a couple more times. *in Mazzio's
... I would have broken out into dance when Kesha's Blah, Blah, Blah came on while I was jogging. *jogging down my road
... I would have thrown rocks at your yappy dog that always chases me barking when I jog. *jogging down my road
... I would've let out a scream of frustration over a bathing suit that was recalled and you wouldn't sell to me.. after an hour in your store with 4 tired, cranky kids. *in Walmart
... I would have totally left the bathroom without washing my hands.. I'm not here to eat. *in Walmart
... I would've probably tail-gated you out of frustration when you were driving 20mph below the speed limit, but I was afraid we might be going to the same place. *on the way to church Sunday
... I really wouldn't have cared that my boys were running a few circles around the cart while I shopped. *in Walmart
... I would've let my extreme boredom show and my annoyance with having to be here. *in DHS parenting class
... I'd have pinned that dog down on the ground for being a brat while I was working with him, but figured someone would think I was terrible if they didn't understand dog behavior. *walking a dog at the park
... I'd have said what I really thought of your status update... *on Facebook
... I would have smacked you in the back of the head for talking to your child like that... *at the doctor's office
... I would have smacked your child for talking to me like that.. *okay.. so not really.. but we've all been there..
... I'd absolutely sing and dance like a lunatic in the van.. *oh, wait.. I do do that..
Maybe it's best that people are watching...
Friday, June 18, 2010
So.. Maybe They Are a Little Spoiled
Carter and Emily in chair, Sam on the floor, Madison on couch
No, it isn't Saturday morning, but isn't this how summer is supposed to be? Lazy mornings, cartoons for the little one, video games for the big ones... not a care in the world. Days spent at the pool, making your own popsicles and eating them on the swing outside, sleep-overs, arts-and-crafts, and sleeping in. This is my idea of a great summer! If this keeps up, this will be our best summer yet. (I think I say that every year.)
For me, there is a very fine line between letting your kids enjoy their time off and spoiling them rotten. We haven't gotten to the rotten stage, yet. I will admit that I've bought them more stuff in the past month than I probably should have, I've spent more on their entertainment than was necessary, and I've catered to their whims a whole lot more than I normally would - all in the name of them thinking back and saying "this summer was AWESOME!" Throw in that we have all three birthdays in the summer and maybe I don't feel so guilty for all of their guilty pleasures.
I call myself offsetting this by making them do a lot more than their normal chores. I keep telling them that if they want me to take them for an entire day of fun then they have to earn it with SUPER behavior and lots of hard work at home. I don't know if that's the right way to do this stuff or not.. but for now it's the way I'm going.
Today we'll be going to see Toy Story 3 (because Madison's 9th birthday was yesterday and this was her special request for where she wanted to go) and Saturday I have a girls day out of shopping in Little Rock planned. (Daddy can plan a fun boys day in...)
Hmm.. maybe it is getting a bit excessive.. but if we're all happy and no one is turning into a greedy-monster then I think we'll just relax and enjoy it.
How do you decide where to draw the line with doing things with and for your kids, and buying them things? Do you let their behavior dictate what they earn? A set amount of money for the month? Let them earn more stuff by more work? All of the above?
Thursday, June 03, 2010
FYI: There is More Than One Way
I've read two blogs this week about "Mom-Blog-Bullies" and was shocked at what a problem it is in today's time. Moms attacking other ways of mothering. Moms saying their way is best and if you don't conform, you're less than. You love your kids less, or you obviously "just don't get it." Wow... really?
On one hand, I can relate to these self-righteous moms. I used to be one of them. Hard to go back to that place I once called home in my head, but yes.. many moons ago, I felt there was ONE way to be a good wife and mother. That way was to be at home, 100% devoted to the cause. I even remember thinking that if a mother 'really' loved her child, she'd FIND a way to make staying home work. I could not imagine how anyone could be so unattached that they'd leave their infant... it was so bizarre to me. Before you start your bashing.. let me fast forward to today. I obviously do not feel that way anymore. I grew a brain... thank God for that ability.
What changed me was meeting new people and getting my head out of my behind. Moms are women.. and women are called to MANY things. We all have our own set of God-given skills, and those skills don't go away just because we get married and have children. I started to think about what would happen if all women that had children stopped working to be at home. Wow. What would our world be like, then? My children's favorite teachers.. gone. My family doctor that I ADORE.. gone. Even my favorite waitress at Mazzio's... poof - not there. If we stop and think about these women that we love.. it might become clear to some of us that working women are a good thing, they make the world go round! Should these women have to choose between keeping a career that they worked their entire lives for, or having children? Should a mom that MUST work to simply pay the rent be made to feel less than or guilty because she has to leave her child at a sitter or daycare? NO. NO. NO!
Sometimes I am stunned that dealing with adults is no different than dealing with teens. Set in their ways, sure they are right, not trying to see the other side. I've learned that people with a 'one-way' mindset typically only have one group of friends that rallies around them that agrees 'mostly' with their theories. I guess I'm very fortunate that God has never allowed me to have a big group of comfortable friends. If I compared my best girlfriends' parenting styles, wife-styles, and even life-styles to mine, or to each other's... it would make my head spin. I remember joking a few months ago with a group of friends, "What do you get if you put a Christian, a Morman, a Muslim, and a Catholic together? My kitchen table!"
Years ago I could have never held a conversation with this many different people at one time. I'd have been wanting to defend myself, prove that I was RIGHT. I'd feel compelled to show them how wrong they are. Not any more... I just choose to live the way I do, discuss frankly what I believe, and compare and contrast our religions. I have had the most amazing, thought-provoking conversations with this group of women! I would have missed out on so much in life if I'd have run away from this bizarre arrangement of friends. To make it even better, one of them has no children at all... and doesn't want them. Can I tell you what a GREAT challenge it is to have hours of great conversation with someone that you cannot fall back on how awesome, hard, gross, and mystical it is to be a mother? Yeah.. try that sometime. Good for the soul I tell ya.
What I've learned is that being around other women, that do things TOTALLY different than you, is an amazing thing. You may not agree with their methods, and you may never want to change to go towards their way of parenting or living, but learning acceptance of others is important. Learning to love those that do not make life comfortable for you is a great thing. It's a very hard thing. It's something I still work on daily with some people that God has forcefully shoved into my life.
Reading about these mom-blog bullies made me want to express that, though I definitely feel strongly about the parenting and life choices I've made for myself, I absolutely see that my way is NOT the only way. If I felt that way in life, I can assure you, I'd have no friends. None. I don't know anyone that parents exactly the way I do.. yet I know so many AMAZING mothers. Attachment parenting is a big part of my life, but even others that are AP may not think I do it the "right way." Who cares, right?
What I want to say to 'those' women is... spend a day with me. Let me show you children that really have parents that "just don't get it." Let me show you what a child that is truly hurting over parenting choices looks like. Let me show you the difference between wrong choices, and different choices.
If you're a woman that works and feels like other moms look at you as if you're "less than" because of it, let me assure you.. that's a load of crap. If you've not been so fortunate to be around other working mothers, and been able to see that their kids are happy, healthy, and LOVE them, let me tell you that the majority of my friends are those mothers. Their kids know who mommy is. They don't feel abandoned. Kids are so amazing.. if we tell them that life is just fine, then they believe us. So, moms.. no matter what your life is like right now, just know that if you are loving, caring, and meet your kids needs, and you let them know that everything is A-okay, then they most likely will be.
If you are a mom that is stuck in that thought process "this is the only way, my way, and it's the right way," please look outside of yourself. There are fantastic benefits to looking outside of your little box. I promise! It can be uncomfortable to make friends that raise an eyebrow to your parenting methods.. but sometimes that's a good thing. Sometimes our methods need to be questioned, and sometimes being questioned just reassures us that we're sure what we're doing is best for our family.
In closing, I say, can't we all just get along? Aren't we all grown ups here? If we all did everything the exact same way, my goodness this world would be an incredibly dull place. No one would ever make you say "wow!" or "oh my.." Think about it. Enjoy the differences without judgement. Talk about what you're passionate about without feeling the need to bash different methods to defend it. You catch more bees with honey, so they say.
On one hand, I can relate to these self-righteous moms. I used to be one of them. Hard to go back to that place I once called home in my head, but yes.. many moons ago, I felt there was ONE way to be a good wife and mother. That way was to be at home, 100% devoted to the cause. I even remember thinking that if a mother 'really' loved her child, she'd FIND a way to make staying home work. I could not imagine how anyone could be so unattached that they'd leave their infant... it was so bizarre to me. Before you start your bashing.. let me fast forward to today. I obviously do not feel that way anymore. I grew a brain... thank God for that ability.
What changed me was meeting new people and getting my head out of my behind. Moms are women.. and women are called to MANY things. We all have our own set of God-given skills, and those skills don't go away just because we get married and have children. I started to think about what would happen if all women that had children stopped working to be at home. Wow. What would our world be like, then? My children's favorite teachers.. gone. My family doctor that I ADORE.. gone. Even my favorite waitress at Mazzio's... poof - not there. If we stop and think about these women that we love.. it might become clear to some of us that working women are a good thing, they make the world go round! Should these women have to choose between keeping a career that they worked their entire lives for, or having children? Should a mom that MUST work to simply pay the rent be made to feel less than or guilty because she has to leave her child at a sitter or daycare? NO. NO. NO!
Sometimes I am stunned that dealing with adults is no different than dealing with teens. Set in their ways, sure they are right, not trying to see the other side. I've learned that people with a 'one-way' mindset typically only have one group of friends that rallies around them that agrees 'mostly' with their theories. I guess I'm very fortunate that God has never allowed me to have a big group of comfortable friends. If I compared my best girlfriends' parenting styles, wife-styles, and even life-styles to mine, or to each other's... it would make my head spin. I remember joking a few months ago with a group of friends, "What do you get if you put a Christian, a Morman, a Muslim, and a Catholic together? My kitchen table!"
Years ago I could have never held a conversation with this many different people at one time. I'd have been wanting to defend myself, prove that I was RIGHT. I'd feel compelled to show them how wrong they are. Not any more... I just choose to live the way I do, discuss frankly what I believe, and compare and contrast our religions. I have had the most amazing, thought-provoking conversations with this group of women! I would have missed out on so much in life if I'd have run away from this bizarre arrangement of friends. To make it even better, one of them has no children at all... and doesn't want them. Can I tell you what a GREAT challenge it is to have hours of great conversation with someone that you cannot fall back on how awesome, hard, gross, and mystical it is to be a mother? Yeah.. try that sometime. Good for the soul I tell ya.
What I've learned is that being around other women, that do things TOTALLY different than you, is an amazing thing. You may not agree with their methods, and you may never want to change to go towards their way of parenting or living, but learning acceptance of others is important. Learning to love those that do not make life comfortable for you is a great thing. It's a very hard thing. It's something I still work on daily with some people that God has forcefully shoved into my life.
Reading about these mom-blog bullies made me want to express that, though I definitely feel strongly about the parenting and life choices I've made for myself, I absolutely see that my way is NOT the only way. If I felt that way in life, I can assure you, I'd have no friends. None. I don't know anyone that parents exactly the way I do.. yet I know so many AMAZING mothers. Attachment parenting is a big part of my life, but even others that are AP may not think I do it the "right way." Who cares, right?
What I want to say to 'those' women is... spend a day with me. Let me show you children that really have parents that "just don't get it." Let me show you what a child that is truly hurting over parenting choices looks like. Let me show you the difference between wrong choices, and different choices.
If you're a woman that works and feels like other moms look at you as if you're "less than" because of it, let me assure you.. that's a load of crap. If you've not been so fortunate to be around other working mothers, and been able to see that their kids are happy, healthy, and LOVE them, let me tell you that the majority of my friends are those mothers. Their kids know who mommy is. They don't feel abandoned. Kids are so amazing.. if we tell them that life is just fine, then they believe us. So, moms.. no matter what your life is like right now, just know that if you are loving, caring, and meet your kids needs, and you let them know that everything is A-okay, then they most likely will be.
If you are a mom that is stuck in that thought process "this is the only way, my way, and it's the right way," please look outside of yourself. There are fantastic benefits to looking outside of your little box. I promise! It can be uncomfortable to make friends that raise an eyebrow to your parenting methods.. but sometimes that's a good thing. Sometimes our methods need to be questioned, and sometimes being questioned just reassures us that we're sure what we're doing is best for our family.
In closing, I say, can't we all just get along? Aren't we all grown ups here? If we all did everything the exact same way, my goodness this world would be an incredibly dull place. No one would ever make you say "wow!" or "oh my.." Think about it. Enjoy the differences without judgement. Talk about what you're passionate about without feeling the need to bash different methods to defend it. You catch more bees with honey, so they say.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Where is that Time Again?
They say that time heals all wounds... if that is the case, bring on the time. I'm searching for it.
It's been a full 6 months since my dad died. Six months today. I keep saying that I don't understand how time can go by so fast, and so slowly, at the same time.
I feel like it's been an eternity since I saw him last. Since I last heard his voice or felt his touch. I'd give almost anything to hear one of his jokes, hear his laugh, or just sit quietly in a room with him. I guess when someone you love dies, you always long for just one more day. One more hour... even one more minute. Time is so precious, and we often take it for granted until something like this happens to us.
I had someone ask me, so kindly, recently how I'm handling it now. Now that time has past. Now that reality has set in. To answer... I don't know. It's hard to blog about because, though I tend to be an open book type of person, this pain is the hardest thing I've ever gone through in my life. This tops anything I've ever experienced.
Last night I was sitting and talking with Clayton when I glanced over and looked at a picture of my dad and me on our bookshelf. Out of no where I burst into tears. I don't know why, I don't know what came over me. I literally was talking and laughing one second, and sobbing the next. The crying lasted an hour. I see that picture EVERY single day. Why was last night different? Because today was the 6 month mark? Because in our DHS parenting classes we've been talking about loss and what it does to us and children? I don't know.
Day to day I feel normal.. most of the time. I still get very jealous of other people that still have both of their parents. I'm trying so hard to let that feeling go. When someone talks badly about a parent I want to smack them and tell them to be thankful. If your parents didn't beat you, starve you, burn you with cigarettes, or molest you.. then shut up!!! Be THANKFUL. If your parents are alive... you don't know how lucky you are.
I know, that's so harsh. I know... really.. I do. This is something that grief has done to me that I never expetected - make me angry. I am angry that my family is hurting, I am angry that there is nothing that can bring him back. I am angry that others get so much time when they DON'T APPRECIATE IT. Why them? Why not me? I know.. not a good attitude. Not something a Christian should say or feel. This is why I don't say it. This is why I try not to feel anything.
I think that Samuel is already forgetting my dad... he'll say "that's Paw Paw" when he sees his picture, but that's likely just because I tell him so. Carter remembers him, but is too young to be truly sad about what's happened. Madison is the one that's sad. She doesn't want to talk about it, because it makes her sad. I know how she feels... baby girl I am right there with you.
I am thankful that a few times I've talked about Dad or had a memory and it actually made me smile instead of cry. Of course, there's still a sadness with the thoughts... but not like before. In all honesty, most of the time,I still can't talk about him, think about him, or give someone comfort in their loss with great words of how they'll be okay. How God will bring them through.. how they should be happy that one day they'll spend eternity together. There's little comfort in that sometimes... no words, or thoughts, or knowledge about the afterlife can heal your broken heart. All you want is your life back the way it was. I want it back. I want him back. I want to call and have him answer. I want to drive up to his house and have him excitedly come outside to greet us. I want to talk about the weather for goodness sakes! I want ANYTHING. But, there is nothing. Nothing that helps right now.
The absolute loss of control over life hits so hard during these times.. and it's scary. The one great thing that I will say has come from Dad's sudden death and the shock of it all is that it pushed me to act on things NOW. Today is the ONLY day as far as we know. Tomorrow might never come.. it might be too late.
I have been driven to leap into foster care because of this... because once I die.. what good was I? What did I do to serve Christ? What was my life worth to anyone outside of these four walls? If God was whispering something to me.. I learned to stop, listen, and RESPOND. Now. Right now.
I hate that I have less patience for people right now. I think with a broken heart that's trying to heal, your skin is as thin as paper. Any harsh word, any dirty look, any doubt, and any misplaced questions are like sandpaper on a burn. I don't have the ability to handle it right now - at least not some days. Thinking that someone doesn't like me or is judging me is an extremely painful thing, and something that I am currently dealing with and powerless to fix.
My days aren't full of sadness, crying, and being angry. But, in this moment it is how I feel and I knew if I didn't use this time to write about it, I would go on to post something silly and lighthearted tomorrow and never expose the state my heart is currently in. I don't expose a ton of the 'real' me on here. Sure, I let you all know in general what's going on... but the real me isn't in this blog. Not ordinarily. I keep 'me' safe from you all... safe from the possible judgements... safe from having to see you later and feel weak, embarrassed, or ashamed. This is real, though. I write it only for therapy for myself, and in hopes that someone else truly struggling will see themselves here and see that it isn't just them. It feels like it's just you, doesn't it? It feels like no one else in the world has hurt this much.. even though you logically know that's false.
So, I will wait for time. I will wait for Christ to take this pain away. I will wait for the hurting children that have suffered loss to come into our home, and maybe, just maybe, I will be able to relate to them. Maybe they will see my hurt and know that I do understand. I don't know what I'm waiting for, but I pray it's soon. My heart is exhausted...
It's been a full 6 months since my dad died. Six months today. I keep saying that I don't understand how time can go by so fast, and so slowly, at the same time.
I feel like it's been an eternity since I saw him last. Since I last heard his voice or felt his touch. I'd give almost anything to hear one of his jokes, hear his laugh, or just sit quietly in a room with him. I guess when someone you love dies, you always long for just one more day. One more hour... even one more minute. Time is so precious, and we often take it for granted until something like this happens to us.
I had someone ask me, so kindly, recently how I'm handling it now. Now that time has past. Now that reality has set in. To answer... I don't know. It's hard to blog about because, though I tend to be an open book type of person, this pain is the hardest thing I've ever gone through in my life. This tops anything I've ever experienced.
Last night I was sitting and talking with Clayton when I glanced over and looked at a picture of my dad and me on our bookshelf. Out of no where I burst into tears. I don't know why, I don't know what came over me. I literally was talking and laughing one second, and sobbing the next. The crying lasted an hour. I see that picture EVERY single day. Why was last night different? Because today was the 6 month mark? Because in our DHS parenting classes we've been talking about loss and what it does to us and children? I don't know.
Day to day I feel normal.. most of the time. I still get very jealous of other people that still have both of their parents. I'm trying so hard to let that feeling go. When someone talks badly about a parent I want to smack them and tell them to be thankful. If your parents didn't beat you, starve you, burn you with cigarettes, or molest you.. then shut up!!! Be THANKFUL. If your parents are alive... you don't know how lucky you are.
I know, that's so harsh. I know... really.. I do. This is something that grief has done to me that I never expetected - make me angry. I am angry that my family is hurting, I am angry that there is nothing that can bring him back. I am angry that others get so much time when they DON'T APPRECIATE IT. Why them? Why not me? I know.. not a good attitude. Not something a Christian should say or feel. This is why I don't say it. This is why I try not to feel anything.
I think that Samuel is already forgetting my dad... he'll say "that's Paw Paw" when he sees his picture, but that's likely just because I tell him so. Carter remembers him, but is too young to be truly sad about what's happened. Madison is the one that's sad. She doesn't want to talk about it, because it makes her sad. I know how she feels... baby girl I am right there with you.
I am thankful that a few times I've talked about Dad or had a memory and it actually made me smile instead of cry. Of course, there's still a sadness with the thoughts... but not like before. In all honesty, most of the time,I still can't talk about him, think about him, or give someone comfort in their loss with great words of how they'll be okay. How God will bring them through.. how they should be happy that one day they'll spend eternity together. There's little comfort in that sometimes... no words, or thoughts, or knowledge about the afterlife can heal your broken heart. All you want is your life back the way it was. I want it back. I want him back. I want to call and have him answer. I want to drive up to his house and have him excitedly come outside to greet us. I want to talk about the weather for goodness sakes! I want ANYTHING. But, there is nothing. Nothing that helps right now.
The absolute loss of control over life hits so hard during these times.. and it's scary. The one great thing that I will say has come from Dad's sudden death and the shock of it all is that it pushed me to act on things NOW. Today is the ONLY day as far as we know. Tomorrow might never come.. it might be too late.
I have been driven to leap into foster care because of this... because once I die.. what good was I? What did I do to serve Christ? What was my life worth to anyone outside of these four walls? If God was whispering something to me.. I learned to stop, listen, and RESPOND. Now. Right now.
I hate that I have less patience for people right now. I think with a broken heart that's trying to heal, your skin is as thin as paper. Any harsh word, any dirty look, any doubt, and any misplaced questions are like sandpaper on a burn. I don't have the ability to handle it right now - at least not some days. Thinking that someone doesn't like me or is judging me is an extremely painful thing, and something that I am currently dealing with and powerless to fix.
My days aren't full of sadness, crying, and being angry. But, in this moment it is how I feel and I knew if I didn't use this time to write about it, I would go on to post something silly and lighthearted tomorrow and never expose the state my heart is currently in. I don't expose a ton of the 'real' me on here. Sure, I let you all know in general what's going on... but the real me isn't in this blog. Not ordinarily. I keep 'me' safe from you all... safe from the possible judgements... safe from having to see you later and feel weak, embarrassed, or ashamed. This is real, though. I write it only for therapy for myself, and in hopes that someone else truly struggling will see themselves here and see that it isn't just them. It feels like it's just you, doesn't it? It feels like no one else in the world has hurt this much.. even though you logically know that's false.
So, I will wait for time. I will wait for Christ to take this pain away. I will wait for the hurting children that have suffered loss to come into our home, and maybe, just maybe, I will be able to relate to them. Maybe they will see my hurt and know that I do understand. I don't know what I'm waiting for, but I pray it's soon. My heart is exhausted...
Monday, May 24, 2010
Kid's Shows That Drive Me Insane
There are many things that we as parents do for the sake of our kids... just to see them smile: smell every flower outside, let them wear their favorite mud boots with their dress clothes to church, and possibly even eat at McDonald's just because our kids swear their fake chicken.. I mean... chicken nuggets are the best in town. However, there comes a point that seeing your child happy does not mean enough to you to suffer through. Enter: Kid Shows.
In nine years time, we have seen numerous kid shows come on the screen and disappear. Some, however, seem to keep on going no matter how awful they are. Here - let me give a few examples:
Anyone else hate these characters as much as I do? In the history of all television, Yo Gabba Gabba MUST be the most annoying and weird show ever. Of course, kids eat this crap up. I kept a little girl for a short time, and this was her favorite show. Oh-my-word. I was so afraid that Samuel would become a Gabba Addict like her, thankfully it never stuck. There is no way, in the world, I could watch this show again. Yes, even with special guests as cool as Jack Black.
Speaking of totally weird and random - anyone remember Boo Bah on PBS? This show may still come on, I'm not sure. Somehow I let Carter see this as a toddler and he was instantly hooked. These creatures are so bizarre. They don't talk, they just baby talk. The only thing I liked about this show was that the sun was a really cute baby's face. Who doesn't like a cute baby's face? I cannot believe I suffered through this for Carter. He owes me big time.
Does anyone else cringe when they see these "faces"? This is Oobie. Yes.. Oobie. The intro song is all about him... he's a hand with googly eyes, as is his entire family. I wouldn't mind this show too terribly except for the massive amounts of baby talk that they so carelessly throw around. Madison went through a HORRIBLE 'baby talk' phase when she was around 3/4 years old and I 100% blame Oobie. Don't get me wrong..Oobie had an accompliss in all of this...
Oh yes.. Calliou. Now, this show doesn't bother me as much as those listed above, but it's pretty bad. This picture is likely a scene in which Calliou got mad, kicked his mom, and her reaction was to smile, scoop him up, and talk to him about why five year olds aren't supposed to hit their mommies. (I don't know how old this kid is really supposed to be, but he's got a great vocabulary so - let's guess 4 or 5.) Caillou is an expert whiner.. which is great coupled with all of the baby talk as mentioned before. I mean, I get tired of hearing my own kids whine, why do I want to hear the fake kid do it? And why do I want them to see other kids whine and get away with it when at home, they get in trouble for it? Sorry... can't handle this show or this fake kid.
If you missed the boat and never got to experience the Rubba Dubbers... then LUCKY YOU. I honestly don't know if a worse show has ever been made for children in the history of television. Give me black and white Mickey driving the tug boat any day over this junk. The voices were like fingernails down a chalk board.. and the story lines... well.. you get the idea. Who thought this was a good idea? I actually think this is still a big hit in the UK - but maybe I'm wrong.
Now, don't get me wrong. I've struggled through phases of my kids being obsessed with The Wiggles, Barney, and Elmo and his crazy high pitched voice - but something about these shows was cute. Cute in the fact that the silliness and fun it created for my kids outweighed my dislike of them. (well.. minus Elmo.. it's a requirement in this house that you MUST like Elmo.)
The things we do for our children...
Friday, May 21, 2010
Dear New Moms...
I'm not sure there's ever a time in your life that you will be so full of joy, confusion, stress, and questions as when you have your first child. I must confess that it's very difficult for me to remember exactly what I felt like with Madison (a.k.a Baby Number One.) That was nearly 9 years ago... I've lost years of sleep since then.
In a parenting group I have been attending for YEARS now, a great question was posed by our moderator:
"If you could give your 'first time mom' self advice, what would you say?"
What WOULDN'T I say?!
I would tell myself to get up and get moving. I do recall feeling like exhaustion would do me in. I remember sitting on the couch, overwhelmed by my sleepy state and my housework. Things that used to be so simple now seemed so difficult: dishes, laundry, showering... making sure to brush my teeth TWICE daily. It took me having baby #2 (aka: Carter) to figure out this little trick: Just get up. I know... you're tired. I know... you didn't get any sleep. Trust me - if you have a similar personality to me, you won't nap well anyway. You'll feel more exhausted when you get up - so just get up. Find a place to start and get going. You will feel so proud of yourself when you learn how to get at least half of your "to-do" list done each day. Promise!
I would tell myself to chill out. I worried too much about Madison. Not just as an infant, but as a toddler, and as a child. I didn't want to leave her EVER. "What if she cries for me?! What if she wants me and I'm not here?!" Guess what... she was fine. I was stunned when I left her with my mom for the first time for a few hours to go out to eat with Clayton. We were gone for maybe an hour... Madison must have been close to a year old. I was so worried the entire time. "I just know she's sad that I'm not there!" We get back to find her totally delighting in Nanna and Papa's full attention! I don't know who was enjoying it more.. her or them.
This is a lesson I wish I had learned much earlier - let them go. I know.. most of what I write about deals with attachment parenting, and if you take it to an extreme you could think it's never healthy to EVER leave them. In my opinion, the exact opposite is true. I now feel I've given my kids an amazing GIFT because they love staying with Nanna. They might miss me, but it doesn't hurt them. They don't cry for me, and they have all the confidence in the world that I'm coming back. Time away is GOOD. Letting them build amazing bonds and securities with people that you trust is GOOD. You should see all three of them do the happy dance when we load up to drive to Little Rock. They can't push Clayton and I out of the door fast enough!
"Bye Mom! Bye Dad! Love you! See you tomorrow!" (and I'm sure they know that the faster we're gone, the faster Nanna will bring out the ice cream and cookies! Yes mom... I know you do it.. that's okay. You know how to keep them happy!)
Here's a biggie: Spend time with your SPOUSE. Without your kids. This goes hand in hand with the above. I pushed my relationship with my husband way back on the backburner for years and years because I was too nervous to leave our kids overnight. Took me until Baby #3 (aka: Samuel) to get this one. My how things could have been if I would have just gotten over it and left them sooner. When Samuel was night weaned, we started staying one night at a time away every few months. The first couple of times I enjoyed it, but was still nervous. Now, I LIVE for those nights away. One night away with your spouse can send you immediately back to those awesome dating years. Not a care in the world. Waking up to just each other and having no demands on either of you... it is awesome. It's necessary if you ask me. Don't deprive yourself or your husband of this... I promise you.. your kids will do great - and so will you!
The absolute hardest lesson ever for me to learn: It's okay for your kids to be upset sometimes. Shocker..I know. My daddy was right... life isn't fair. Kids have to learn that. Sometimes there aren't enough pink popsicles... sometimes there's only 1 blue cup and two kids want one, sometimes more is expected of older kids than younger kids. *always actually*
Kids can be mean, some kids don't share, some adults don't like you, sometimes people are different than you are and it makes you uncomfortable. That's okay. Child of mine, you have the inner strength to deal with it. To handle life. And because I FINALLY learned to let you fight *some* of your own battles with the bully at the playground (with words.. not fists!) and told you "that's okay.." when you complained that -so and so- in your class doesn't like you, you're already learning how to handle yourself. Kids do have to learn to handle life's little problems early... because guess what. Life's little problems grow exponentually as you get older. So, don't feel too guilty for letting them fall and pick themselves back up from time to time. Learn when to step back, and when to step in. Be their biggest fan and their toughest defender - but only defend when you must. Watch them grow an amazing self esteem when they work through their discomfort, their issues, their concerns and realize "Hey! I did that!" Yes sir... you did! Great job!
My most abrassive piece of advice: Stop making excuses. This is what I would have told myself for a lot of things. "I wouldn't yell if they'd listen the first time." "I wouldn't be stressed if they wouldn't throw tantrums!" "I wouldn't have this much baby weight left 2 years later if I had the time my husband does to go exercise." Blah, blah blah... that's what I'd have told myself. Suck it up, Sister. You brought these kids into the world.. they didn't ask for you as a mom. So you CANNOT make excuses. You MUST be a good mom. You MUST keep your cool... you are the grown up. Show them how to be, don't tell them.
Last night my husband had to go to West Memphis to help work crime scenes of the horrific sites where two police officers were murdered by two gunmen. Being home alone with the kids is nothing new for me... but I felt my stress level rising as each hour passed. One hour away from bedtime I wanted to run away and hide somewhere. I stopped and realized I was mentally making excuses again. It wasn't the kids fault that their daddy had to go... it wasn't their fault I was home alone with them. They didn't deserve to have my stress taken out on them with my words, my tone, my looks, or my bad attitude. How you parent is a CHOICE. If you want to settle for being a crazy, crying, out of control parent.. that's your choice. (I say this b/c I've been there!!) Guess what - the good news is - you can choose to NOT be that way. OH THE FREEDOM OF FREE WILL! I know.. it isn't easy. But you can do it. If I can do it, anyone can do it. (and remind me of this when we get our first mega-out-of-control foster kid and I'm curled up in the fetal position behind the sofa..)
The final thing I wish I could go back and tell my former self: Let go of guilt.
I felt guilty over everything. If I left her for an hour with my mom to get my hair cut, if I didn't feel I spent enough time in her face each day, if I wasn't watching closely enough and she fell and bumped her head. Oh first time mom Mandy... it's okay! Kids don't HAVE to have you spending 100% of your time with them. In fact, I've sort of come to the conclusion that spending too much time with your kids can actually limit their ability to play alone, to form their own imaginations, and there is such a thing as an older child being too dependant on a parent. (and this was something I'd have never said back then..) I'd tell myself, "You love her, you want everything in the world for her, and you're doing a great job. Let go of the guilt. She won't know you weren't perfect today unless you tell her... and who knows - maybe to her, you were perfect."
Now that I have my first born turning 9, I realize that I have amazingly tons of control over who she is, and yet, almost no control at all it seems. She's gone to school hours each day of the week, but our bond is rock solid. I'm the first one she pours her heart out to, I'm the one she trusts with all of her "secrets", and I don't have to be perfect to earn that. I just have to be there. Ready to listen. Ready to discipline. Ready to accept her as she is, and help her to form into the young lady she is becoming.
First time moms out there - your uncertainty is normal. Your concerns are valid. Most of us have been there. Please, be encouraged! This parenting stuff really isn't "that" hard. If it feels wrong.. it probably is. If you think something is best, your gut feeling is usually right. Your child WILL love you no matter what. Even seriously abused children always want to go home to mom... no doubt that your child.. loved, safe, cared for, will want mommy's arms over any one else's. Relax, enjoy, and love that new baby with all of your might. Just as everyone tells you - it's gone so fast, and your writing about your first born turning nine years old.
In a parenting group I have been attending for YEARS now, a great question was posed by our moderator:
"If you could give your 'first time mom' self advice, what would you say?"
What WOULDN'T I say?!
I would tell myself to get up and get moving. I do recall feeling like exhaustion would do me in. I remember sitting on the couch, overwhelmed by my sleepy state and my housework. Things that used to be so simple now seemed so difficult: dishes, laundry, showering... making sure to brush my teeth TWICE daily. It took me having baby #2 (aka: Carter) to figure out this little trick: Just get up. I know... you're tired. I know... you didn't get any sleep. Trust me - if you have a similar personality to me, you won't nap well anyway. You'll feel more exhausted when you get up - so just get up. Find a place to start and get going. You will feel so proud of yourself when you learn how to get at least half of your "to-do" list done each day. Promise!
I would tell myself to chill out. I worried too much about Madison. Not just as an infant, but as a toddler, and as a child. I didn't want to leave her EVER. "What if she cries for me?! What if she wants me and I'm not here?!" Guess what... she was fine. I was stunned when I left her with my mom for the first time for a few hours to go out to eat with Clayton. We were gone for maybe an hour... Madison must have been close to a year old. I was so worried the entire time. "I just know she's sad that I'm not there!" We get back to find her totally delighting in Nanna and Papa's full attention! I don't know who was enjoying it more.. her or them.
This is a lesson I wish I had learned much earlier - let them go. I know.. most of what I write about deals with attachment parenting, and if you take it to an extreme you could think it's never healthy to EVER leave them. In my opinion, the exact opposite is true. I now feel I've given my kids an amazing GIFT because they love staying with Nanna. They might miss me, but it doesn't hurt them. They don't cry for me, and they have all the confidence in the world that I'm coming back. Time away is GOOD. Letting them build amazing bonds and securities with people that you trust is GOOD. You should see all three of them do the happy dance when we load up to drive to Little Rock. They can't push Clayton and I out of the door fast enough!
"Bye Mom! Bye Dad! Love you! See you tomorrow!" (and I'm sure they know that the faster we're gone, the faster Nanna will bring out the ice cream and cookies! Yes mom... I know you do it.. that's okay. You know how to keep them happy!)
Here's a biggie: Spend time with your SPOUSE. Without your kids. This goes hand in hand with the above. I pushed my relationship with my husband way back on the backburner for years and years because I was too nervous to leave our kids overnight. Took me until Baby #3 (aka: Samuel) to get this one. My how things could have been if I would have just gotten over it and left them sooner. When Samuel was night weaned, we started staying one night at a time away every few months. The first couple of times I enjoyed it, but was still nervous. Now, I LIVE for those nights away. One night away with your spouse can send you immediately back to those awesome dating years. Not a care in the world. Waking up to just each other and having no demands on either of you... it is awesome. It's necessary if you ask me. Don't deprive yourself or your husband of this... I promise you.. your kids will do great - and so will you!
The absolute hardest lesson ever for me to learn: It's okay for your kids to be upset sometimes. Shocker..I know. My daddy was right... life isn't fair. Kids have to learn that. Sometimes there aren't enough pink popsicles... sometimes there's only 1 blue cup and two kids want one, sometimes more is expected of older kids than younger kids. *always actually*
Kids can be mean, some kids don't share, some adults don't like you, sometimes people are different than you are and it makes you uncomfortable. That's okay. Child of mine, you have the inner strength to deal with it. To handle life. And because I FINALLY learned to let you fight *some* of your own battles with the bully at the playground (with words.. not fists!) and told you "that's okay.." when you complained that -so and so- in your class doesn't like you, you're already learning how to handle yourself. Kids do have to learn to handle life's little problems early... because guess what. Life's little problems grow exponentually as you get older. So, don't feel too guilty for letting them fall and pick themselves back up from time to time. Learn when to step back, and when to step in. Be their biggest fan and their toughest defender - but only defend when you must. Watch them grow an amazing self esteem when they work through their discomfort, their issues, their concerns and realize "Hey! I did that!" Yes sir... you did! Great job!
My most abrassive piece of advice: Stop making excuses. This is what I would have told myself for a lot of things. "I wouldn't yell if they'd listen the first time." "I wouldn't be stressed if they wouldn't throw tantrums!" "I wouldn't have this much baby weight left 2 years later if I had the time my husband does to go exercise." Blah, blah blah... that's what I'd have told myself. Suck it up, Sister. You brought these kids into the world.. they didn't ask for you as a mom. So you CANNOT make excuses. You MUST be a good mom. You MUST keep your cool... you are the grown up. Show them how to be, don't tell them.
Last night my husband had to go to West Memphis to help work crime scenes of the horrific sites where two police officers were murdered by two gunmen. Being home alone with the kids is nothing new for me... but I felt my stress level rising as each hour passed. One hour away from bedtime I wanted to run away and hide somewhere. I stopped and realized I was mentally making excuses again. It wasn't the kids fault that their daddy had to go... it wasn't their fault I was home alone with them. They didn't deserve to have my stress taken out on them with my words, my tone, my looks, or my bad attitude. How you parent is a CHOICE. If you want to settle for being a crazy, crying, out of control parent.. that's your choice. (I say this b/c I've been there!!) Guess what - the good news is - you can choose to NOT be that way. OH THE FREEDOM OF FREE WILL! I know.. it isn't easy. But you can do it. If I can do it, anyone can do it. (and remind me of this when we get our first mega-out-of-control foster kid and I'm curled up in the fetal position behind the sofa..)
The final thing I wish I could go back and tell my former self: Let go of guilt.
I felt guilty over everything. If I left her for an hour with my mom to get my hair cut, if I didn't feel I spent enough time in her face each day, if I wasn't watching closely enough and she fell and bumped her head. Oh first time mom Mandy... it's okay! Kids don't HAVE to have you spending 100% of your time with them. In fact, I've sort of come to the conclusion that spending too much time with your kids can actually limit their ability to play alone, to form their own imaginations, and there is such a thing as an older child being too dependant on a parent. (and this was something I'd have never said back then..) I'd tell myself, "You love her, you want everything in the world for her, and you're doing a great job. Let go of the guilt. She won't know you weren't perfect today unless you tell her... and who knows - maybe to her, you were perfect."
Now that I have my first born turning 9, I realize that I have amazingly tons of control over who she is, and yet, almost no control at all it seems. She's gone to school hours each day of the week, but our bond is rock solid. I'm the first one she pours her heart out to, I'm the one she trusts with all of her "secrets", and I don't have to be perfect to earn that. I just have to be there. Ready to listen. Ready to discipline. Ready to accept her as she is, and help her to form into the young lady she is becoming.
First time moms out there - your uncertainty is normal. Your concerns are valid. Most of us have been there. Please, be encouraged! This parenting stuff really isn't "that" hard. If it feels wrong.. it probably is. If you think something is best, your gut feeling is usually right. Your child WILL love you no matter what. Even seriously abused children always want to go home to mom... no doubt that your child.. loved, safe, cared for, will want mommy's arms over any one else's. Relax, enjoy, and love that new baby with all of your might. Just as everyone tells you - it's gone so fast, and your writing about your first born turning nine years old.
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