Monday - Wednesday we had a time of renewel at Journey. It was a fantastic few evenings spent in prayer, worship, and scripture. We sat in candlelight and spent our time seeking God desperately. Not only asking him to show up, but expecting him to.
Last night, I realized that often times I am settling for "lesser things." My wants and my desires are probably often times not the same wants and desires God has for me. I had an awakening of sorts. I need to spend some time seriously talking to God and reading his word to get more in line with his will for me. While I'm asking him for small financial desires to help us reach certain goals or praying feverishly for our children at Journey, he's likely shaking his head wondering, "Is that all ya got? Is this 'really' all you are asking of me?"
While God can really never be challenged, I realized last night that so often we really do ask so little of him. I thought of this while we were driving home and I had to tell Clayton that I know that often times I hesitate to ask big things of God. For some reason, I become afraid. What if I pray this heart-felt prayer, asking God to work a miracle (be it financial, relationship, church-related, etc) and he doesn't? What do I do with that? Can I handle it if he simply says, "No."?
I've decided that I simply need to make sure that I am praying that HIS will is done. That HIS wants for me are my wants for me. That he equips me to handle whatever path he sends me down.
I've realized that, though I trust God much more than I ever have in my life, I still cling to the false sense of control I have. I am afraid to truly turn my entire self over to him. Doing such a thing would mean I would have to possibly give up things that have become far too important to me, it might mean having to leave my comfort zone and do things like talk to strangers about Christ, or even travel abroad to talk to complete unbelievers about him. It might mean something as simple as cutting out a much loved hour of TV to spend an hour with him.
I have to laugh at myself.. and my silly worries. Isn't it odd how easily we trade time with The Creator of Heaven and Earth, The Messiah, The Almighty... for an hour of mindless television. The time has come, for me, to become more devoted to what really matters. Now, for God to show me what really matters.. I fear I really have no idea!