Friday, March 12, 2010

That Itch You Can't Scratch

Posted by Mandy at 11:15 AM
I know you probably think this is a post about woman troubles due to the title... but no. I'm talking about a metaphoric itch... the Baby Itch.

I guess I've always known I was just one of those women that LOVES babies. I love babies, toddlers, kids, big kids... all of 'em! I also really enjoyed the fun parts of being pregnant and those first few weeks of baby-new-ness. Even today, after three of my own, when I see my friends pregnant I get all sappy and want to feel those cute kicks, gab about what diapers they want to use, and look through all of their new baby duds. I mean seriously.. what's sweeter than that?!

One thing that never ceases to amaze me is how that desire just never fully goes away. I can go for MONTHS knowing that having more kids from my body is a horrid thought and one that I'd never want to act on, only to have one minute of A Baby Story on TLC or a particularly sweet newborn outfit in a store wipe away all sense in my head and make me go, "Awwww! I miss that!"

Today I had a moment of insanity just like this. In the midst of building castles out of blocks with Samuel, taking daycare dogs out to potty and on our daily adventure walks, and trying to answer the phone, answer emails, and clean the house, I passed by the TV to see a commercial for pregnancy tests.

It shot me back a to few years ago when we were struggling with infertility and pregnancy tests had taken over my life. Of course, I wasn't thinking of all of those negatives.. I just remembered the one that finally had two lines. Oh.. great day!

I guess the truth is there isn't a lot that's as exciting as such a moment. It's so emotional! It's life changing in tons of ways.. but of course in those lunatic moments that you look back a little too fondly on the event, you only think of the great ways it was life changing. Thankfully life has a way of snapping you back into reality.

Now when I have those pangs of 'want' I let my logical side kick in. (My husband is very thankful this side of me now exists from time to time.) I had to go through the entire thing in a matter of two minutes in my head.

"If I were pregnant I'd probably spend 9 months throwing up... like I did the first three times. That would suck."

"I'd probably have horrible anxiety attacks like I did the last two times. That would suck."

"In the end I'd be no less than 35 pounds heavier... ugh.."

"I'd then have a fourth csection.. sealing my fate to never have an ab muscle to speak of again."

"Sleeping through the night would go bye-bye. Hmm.."

"I'd have to stop working. The business I've built would go down the tube for a long time... can't do this job with a baby on my boob."

"Trips far away from home would be further put off... "

Okay - I've talked myself out of it!

What's so funny to me is how there are times when you KNOW your family isn't complete and you're willing to do anything to make having that next baby work. Then, there are times like this when your emotions just get the best of you and you have to let that brain kick in and remind you of why you're done. (I mean.. the 35+ pounds to lose - again- really speak volumes to me!)

Then, I remind myself that to open our home to non-biological children, we really can't keep filling it up! That is a great deterrent as well.

Do you KNOW you're done having your own kids for whatever reason, but still sometimes have to fight with your emotions and remind yourself as to why?


Whitney said...

What's sad is that so many women keep having babies for the wrong reasons and don't have the slightest desire to care for them or give them what they need. You are willing to sacrifice having more biological children to open your home to those kids out there that need you. It sounds like you have realized how fulfilled your own life is and have now decided to so unselfishly share it with those other children. I think that it's a wonderful gift and you and Clayton have been blessed to have so much love to give.

Mandy on Friday, 12 March, 2010 said...

Thanks for saying that, Whitney. What's amazing is we went into this thinking of how we could bless these kids, having no clue that what they'd give to US would far surpass anything we could give to them. As my stepmom says, "You CANNOT out-bless God!" :)

Anonymous said...

Mandy, I get exhausted just imagining taking all of those beautiful beings on a walk at one time! I know exactly what you mean about those moments of insanity, though. I have those pangs, too, about pregnant bellies, kids, and dogs, lol. At first, it annoyed me and even disturbed me at the same time. It was like some strange, invading alien thought that ran completely counter to my actual desires. One day, I realized that my pangs did not represent my longing for another baby but rather my mourning for those so, so sweet early days of my babies' lives that can, unfortunately, never be relived. So, obviously, what I really wanted was not another baby but simply a time-machine, lol. That realization made all the difference for me. Congratulations on being such an awesome juggler and taking care of your own goals in life as well.

Kathi on Friday, 21 May, 2010 said...

Hi Mandy! I'm so glad that I stumbled upon your blog and this post. My third child has just turned one and I have been feeling those baby pangs you have described so well. I have had three c-sections and during the last one I was sterilised which was a choice that my husband and I made together and with the advice of our consultant. We always wanted three children and feel that our family is now complete BUT I personally am finding it difficult to come to terms with that fact that I am not going to experience another life growing inside me again or breastfeeding a newborn baby etc. I feel incredibly blessed by God that I had three wonderful pregnancies and three healthy babies that have remained healthy. I guess this is just a natural feeling that I'm going through and in a sense a grieiving that this season in my life is over. All three of my kids will always be my babies! God bless you!

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