Thursday, January 10, 2008

When is the quiver full?

Posted by Mandy at 10:07 AM
I believe there are women in the world that, no matter how many children they have, they will ALWAYS want another. I believe I may be one of those women. Trying to figure out if you want another child, or another baby, can be tricky. Is it purely the desire to have the excitement and wonder of pregnancy? Anxiously awaiting the new arrival? The joyous moment of seeing your baby for the first time? Holding that sweet small bundle to your breast for the first time? Or, is it something more? How do you know? I worry I'll be torn on this issue for years and years to come. You see, Clayton and I agreed that Samuel would be our last child. We agreed that for many very logical and very sound reasons. Reason number one, and the most important reason of all, is because Clayton is really ready to be done with the pregnancy and baby phase of our marriage. He can't wait to load us all up and fly to Hawaii or something like that! (and that's not something I'd like to do with anyone under the age of 3.. maybe more like 4.) He also knows that there's not a snowball's chance in "you know where" that I'm leaving any of my young toddlers, much less an infant, to go off on a trip with him alone. Sorry.. can't do it! He was pretty ready to be done with two children, if we're being brutally honest. He was nice enough to try to make my life as fulfilled as possible by agreeing to have "just one more." Our compromise was basically, we'd have one more because he knew how much it meant to me, and I'd agree to have no more because I know how much that means to him. So, why is it, that I only have a 6 month old and my heart is already aching with the knowledge that this is it. My last. I keep reminding myself of all of the reasons I myself felt Samuel should be our last child. For one, I've already had 3 csections... do I REALLY want to do that to my body again? Would that even be safe? Our lives are just going to get busier as Carter enters school, and then Samuel. After school activities, sports, dance, and church will keep us on the move.... that won't be easy or probably enjoyable if I'm pregnant and then with a newborn. Kids cost a lot.... I refuse to work while I have my kids preschool age or younger... and that's a lot of pressure on Clayton to provide a comfortable lifestyle for all of us. So, see, I AM logical. These are just a few of the reasons I know we're done. It makes sense. The not logical, totally emotional, totally ruled by that motherly instinct, cries over this. One comfort I've found is in the knowledge that if God intends for us to ever have more children... we will. That I know for sure. And, I have to believe that if that is not his intent for our lives, that he will comfort me and mostly take this desire from me. I'm praying it already! I keep thinking that as Samuel gets older, and we get more freedom as a family to go and do things, I'll be happy we're done with the whole baby phase too. One can hope!

14 comments:

Allison on Thursday, 10 January, 2008 said...

Yall are still very young - you don't have to make any decisions just yet. And maybe if you don't want to have another biologically, you could always foster a baby in say 10 or so years....Just a few thoughts. :)
And of course, if you were here, I'd let you babysit anytime. :)

Rosjuane on Thursday, 10 January, 2008 said...

Umm I'm the total oppisite!! I am one of those who loves her children dearly, but am DONE!! And will be happy to get out of Baby Phase!!

Mommatude on Thursday, 10 January, 2008 said...

Well you know where I am at on this one,my quiver would probably never be full-I love babies,I love kids and yes,I could very well be The Duggars-but-I know realistically we couldnt financially support too many more....notice I didnt say one more-I said too many more...LOL.If that could be answered,I would like to know it-SO when do you know your quiver is full?

Shelley on Thursday, 10 January, 2008 said...

I am a baby lover too, pretty obvious since I always seem to have someone's with me. I always thought I would have one boy and one girl cause that's just what you are supposed to do, right? Well, when I ended up with not one, but too very premature kids, I gave that up. For me, having more would have been completely stupid. There was no reason to risk ending up with a severely handicapped child when it was so obvious to the OB's that I can't carry a fetus to term. But, that being said, I don't want more anyway. I am completely in love with Jagger, and if you came in my house, you would think I had a young son. There's his playpen, his toys, his food in my cabinets, tons of toddler evidence. He's been spending the night since he was two weeks old. I guess he satisfies my "need" to nurture. I don't miss having two babies in tow, like we did for a while. We are on to the 'go' stage, where we can stay at the beach all day, cause no one needs a nap, and I don't have to pack a diaper bag, and I LOVE IT!!

Maury Draper on Thursday, 10 January, 2008 said...

Well, I am at the stage we can go go go....the stage Clay couldn't wait to get to....and My heart truly aches for a baby.

I made the decision to have my tubes tied when Rachel was born. Clay does not regret it at all, but I truly think it was the biggest mistake I have ever made....and it affects me in a lot of ways. Why...I am not really sure. I truly feel guilty about it...like it is going against God's natural plan for me....maybe he made me able to have babies easily for a reason...I don't know.

I love babies....big families fascinate me. I could sit in the chair with a baby in my lap rocking it all day long, singing to it...I don't even mind the diaper changes. Babies feel and smell so sweet to me. And toddlers...running around, learning new things...that is SO CUTE to me.

I guess everyone is different. I wish I could be content with the fact that I KNOW I won't have anymore...but I just feel like God had something else in mind for me.

Megan@SortaCrunchy on Thursday, 10 January, 2008 said...

Hi Mandy! Thanks for stopping by my blog. I think we do have a lot in common!

It is hard to determine what that quiver is full. Sometimes there are physical and/or financial limitations as to how many babies we can welcome to our families, but when the time to be done has come, I know our Father is faithful to allow us "spiritual children" to help raise, too.

Thanks again for stopping by!

thejoyfulchaos on Thursday, 10 January, 2008 said...

near and dear to my heart, as you know. i'm not sure i can say much about it. my own aching questions. i will continue to pray for you, though.

WendyJanelle on Friday, 11 January, 2008 said...

WE agreed to stop after 3, but my husband put off his vasectomy...and then we ended up with a fourth! Desprite the high-risk pregnancy and past miscarriages ( http://www.cafemom.com/journals/read.php?post_id=637648 ), we were both THRILLED to have another one. I love kids.
My husband did have his vasectomy after Oliver was born. I know a part of me will always yearn for more. My husband jokes that with me it would always be "just one more??"
And, yes, there's the issue of responsibility. But there's also the issue of faith...

Mandy on Friday, 11 January, 2008 said...

lol Wendy.. my husband would totally agree that if he kept agreeing, I'd always be saying "just one more?" as well

Brandy on Saturday, 12 January, 2008 said...

allison was wise to suggest that you guys have tons of time to make that decision! i am CURRENTLY having trouble weighing/balancing the logical mind that was given to us by god....and the kind of faith it takes to get out of the boat and walk on the waves. i think living in reason does not necessarily suggest a faithless walk. as you can see, i'm talking myself in circles and struggling with some of the same "sensible" questions. we were presented with summaries for 2 more children recently....children that my heart aches to minister to, you get the picture. we get these calls weekly. there are several truths....we can't save them all. but to not save these 2 for that reason? but where's the line? financially can we sustain a family of 8? should finances be a reason to say no? am i faithless if we choose not to bring them here? yes, it's a whirl wind of emotions, and i'm right there with ya. and a wise friend once told me as we were considering a different sibling group, "saying 'no' could be just as godly as saying 'yes'". chew on that awhile.

meanwhile, for myself i find great comfort in my children...my current family....and spend my time filling them, so that when the day comes for our family to grow again...they'll be overflowing....and can hopefully overflow right into the lives of other children. whether those children are in our home or at school, or wherever god leads them. contentment comes much easier as i pour my life into theirs, and teach them to pour their lives into others. all for god's glory.

Mandy on Saturday, 12 January, 2008 said...

Brandy, I'm so glad you commented. You are so full of good God based insight. I must say that the thought of adoption keeps swirling in my head. Not now, but in several years as our children grow older. Then I won't have to be pg again lol. ;) It'll take tons of prayer to let God open Clayton's eyes and heart to this as a possibility. I do agree with what you said about pouring yourself into your current children and how theraputic it is. I feel exactly the same way. Today we played outside with the kids and our total focus was on them. I feel totally fullfilled right now! :)

Maury Draper on Sunday, 13 January, 2008 said...

Start praying....you would be amazed at how just praying for your husband's outlook to change, can make such a difference. Brandy, a very wise woman, told me that, and I immediately began praying, and it is AMAZING the changes I have seen. My husband, who could once never imagine bringing more children in our home, has now agreed to begin attending fostering classes with me, we will start next Monday. It is awesome the way his heart has softened to this idea. Prayer...such a powerful and awesome thing.

WendyJanelle on Sunday, 13 January, 2008 said...

I certainly didn't mean to imply that being resposible is equivalent to being faithless. Just that faith and responsibility go hand in hand. Like cookies and milk. :-)

I'm going to agree about praying for your hubby on the issue. Have you ever read Becoming the Woman of His Dreams? Great book.

Brandy on Sunday, 13 January, 2008 said...

oh, wendy....i wasn't responding to your comment, only to my own struggle with that balance between the logical mind, reason, and faith. i love hearing others' views, and even if i completely disagree, it still makes me re-examine my own opinions...to dig deep and recognize why it is i feel the way i do. and you never know, sometimes that one comment may very well change the way i think...or at least give me another perspective to consider...never a bad thing in my book! :)

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