So discouraged

I mentioned yesterday that my temp had gone down a lot... well it went down even more this morning. That probably means I am not pregnant. I have basically lost hope for this cycle and won't be testing. Please pray for me. I feel very lonely and depressed this morning.

Playgroup Explosion

So this morning the kids and I head to the park for our usual Tuesday playgroup. I expect to drive up and find Suzanne, Leslie, maybe Kristy, and maybe Lou. Well, I pull into the parking lot and look around at ALL of the vehicles and think, "surely all of these ppl are not here for OUR playgroup.." THEY WERE! Wow we had a ton of kids and moms, and a dad. :) It was great fun to get a new 'group' to talk with! Once the wasps attacked poor Noah (get well soon Noah!) we all packed up and left. Suzanne let us come hang at her house and that was a nice resting place. We had a great time and Madison did NOT want to leave when I told her it was time to go. She's always ready to go home! She's a home-body like her daddy. I hope we have that kind of turnout next week!

Tonight is my beloved Parents' Group at church. I've been going for over a year now and love it. We haven't been able to meet in about a month so this will be a great time! The kids go to the nursery and I get to eat a meal and sit and talk with other moms and dads about WHATEVER issue comes up. It seems we've started goofing off more than anything. :)

Well I was disappointed when I woke up this morning. I explained a bit about charting in a past post, and today my temp went down quite a bit. :P (high temps tend to mean you're pg, when they drop, it usually signals the hag is on the way) I am praying it was just a fluke and tomorrow it will rise again. I'm not sure if God is aware of how much I need this to happen this month... even though I keep telling him...EVERYDAY! lol I've had a few people ask me lately when I'll go to the doctor... I have no idea. If I go I'm basically telling him to do something medical to help me get pg and I'm just not ready for that at this point. I'm still trying to put all of my faith in God and trust his timing. It is getting harder and harder to hang in there though! (especially if I keep hurting like I did this cycle!!) I need wisdom!!

My son has started really fighting me on naptime. I started trying to put him down at 1pm.. he didn't stay in bed and go to sleep until after 2pm!!! This makes me so frustrated!! He is so tired by 1:00... he won't go to sleep at all before that, and he fights me a lot even then. Clayton said we should just put a baby gate up in his doorway so he'll be forced to stay in his room.. I just don't know how I feel about it. I know Madison started sporadically skipping naps around this age, but if he skips a nap he's passed out in some random place in the house by 5pm.. so he obviously still needs it. I guess I'll just keep fighting with him for a few more months!! Then maybe he can skip a day or two of naps at a time... fine by me!

Oh LeeeeAnnnnn!!!!

So.. LeeAnn hasn't blogged in a few days, so I'm asking, after you read this blog, go do some blogging of your own! :)

Many thanks to Suzanne for letting me and my children come sit around this afternoon. My bad mood from last night carried over. I have been SO on edge.. I pray it's pg hormones making me go insane. :) The kids played and we just sat!! I feel refreshed and ready to take on the battles of home again after a few moments of girl talk!

So, I've finally gotten into exercising again. I remember before I had Carter I LOVED to exercise. Now that I've gotten out of it it's so hard to make myself do it. I always feel great once I do... so I decided to just do it! Feel like it or not. So far so good! At this point I don't expect to lose any weight, nor do I even care, but I just do not like feeling out of shape. I'm TRYING to take care of my temple... we'll see how I do.

Does anyone else have a husband that moves your stuff around?! If there is anything I can gripe about.. that is it! I have a calendar that I keep next to the puter and at least a few times a week I have to go searching piles of papers that Clayton has made (his way of organizing... ) to try to find it. It makes me crazy! How many times can I say, "PLEASE do not move my calendar!!!"? I just realized how lucky I am that that is my BIGGEST gripe about my man! :)

I'm really excited that it'll be Wednesday night again soon! I can't wait for small group! I even get to go to Parent Group at my church tomorrow night which I also love! Hooray for a great start to the week!

One of those nights

Whew! I am so happy my kids are in bed! I don't know what my deal was.. but AS SOON as we started brushing teeth, reading books, etc I got so stressed. In my defense the kids were being unusually insane. Madison would NOT stop talking... anyone with a 4/5 year old (possibly older?) can probably understand what nonstop talking... over many many hours, can do to your nerves! They got into bed and quiet right before I wanted to start screaming at them... I hate that feeling! I always feel so out of control at the end of the month... I have to remind myself that it is not the kids fault that I'm going through this and I have to be careful not to take my stress out on them. Clayton working nonstop hasn't helped.. I told him that he CANNOT work any overtime tonight.. NONE. :) He agreed... so I'm sure some R&R with my hubby will help calm me down. It usually does!

Had another fantastic Sunday! Still loving the preacher and our church has grown EACH Sunday over the past 3 he's been with us. I've been meeting new ppl each week.. it is amazing to see God working in our church now. Our babies - young kids population has doubled or tripled as well! I'm so excited! I'm trying to get close with some of the young couples in our church now. I exchanged numbers with the couple I spoke of in a past blog that have the sweet newborn little boy.. I hope we'll really get together soon.

Okay, I 'think' I'll test on Thursday. I'll be pretty far at that point.. if I were pg it 'should' turn up... but who knows. I might get to Thursday and just not want to face a negative test. I'm torn on it right now. I used to not be able to wait to test.. at this point it's just depressing! Who needs to see a negative pg test AND see the hag show? Pahleeze!! That's unnecessary torture if you ask me! ;) I swear, I wish I could find a book that a real life woman wrote about her trying to conceive journey... I'd thrive on something like that right now. I know, I'm so sorry my blogs lately are so pg obsessed.. but let's face it, when I'm down to the one week to wait time, I AM obsessed and it's all I can think about! (which is probably why I wanted to bite the kids' heads off tonight) So, if this month isn't it... please pray I won't turn into some raging psycho woman. I'm crazy enough as it is ;)

Great birthday!

First off, I didn't get to say an in person THANK YOU to LeeAnn for the way cute bag and beach towel for my bday... THANK YOU!! Wow it is so gorgeous and I am so thrilled that the phrase "hot mamma" on the front of them made you think of me! *grin* Suzanne also brought over a left over pg test... I can't help but wonder; If a pg woman gives you a left over pg test, does that increase the chances of it being positive when you take it? Leslie came over too and got me a REALLY cute purse, which I am thrilled about b/c the one I just bought I HATE. It is really not functional! I'll be sporting it around.. you'll all get to see it! (and my new bag.. it's my new diaper bag!)

I'm excited that tomorrow is Sunday... I love looking forward to church! :) I wish Clayton were able to come with me... with him not getting home until 4am and then having to start work at 2pm tomorrow.. there's just probably NO WAY he's going with me. I totally understand.. but man.. it sucks always having to go without him. I do enjoy the kids both going to the nursery though, it's like my peace of quiet time.

Okay, not the best thing I've ever written, but I vowed to get into bed before 11pm tonight. I am horrible about staying awake until 1am or so when Clayton is out working. I'm exhausted all of the time... so tonight I'm making an effort to at least LAY DOWN before 11pm. Wish me luck! I'm about as good of a sleeper as Carter is.. ;)

If good things come in 3's...

... then I pray I'm good thing #2! Suzanne found out that Parker #4 is on the way (she already blogged about it so I'm not spilling the beans! lol) and I hope that I'll find out that I'm right behind her in about a week. Everyone be praying for a healthy baby and mamma!! Suzanne, please don't get bad morning sickness b/c that would really suck for my summer fun. ;)

I feel like the next several days are going to pass incredibly slowly. I've felt about as horrible as i possibly could this month and I'm praying all of the pain wasn't for nothing! If it was, eventually I'll have to call my doctor back and go in for another ultrasound to see what the heck is going on in my body. My body seems to be screaming "I HATE YOU" for the last two weeks of every month! Little does my body know that I am none to happy with it either for it's misbehavior!

Today is my birthday! I almost forgot, again! I'm a whopping 23 years old. ;) I wonder if my Mom and Dad are sad today that I'm this old... I cannot imagine my children being my age. I guess once they officially get out of the house each birthday is just another birthday? I'm already grown up... so I wonder if it hits my parents as hard as my kids' birthdays hit me?

So, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME and if I can get a beautiful + pg test in a week, I'll consider it the best belated birthday present EVER!

All about me

Lou tagged me! LeeAnn and Rosy, you're tagged next! BWAHAHAHAHAHA! (evil laugh lol)
You have to write 100 things about yourselves!

1. Born in Little Rock, AR
2. Spent first 5 years of life in Pine Bluff
3. Parents divorced when I was 5
4. Sister and I moved with Dad to DeWitt
5. Have a fairly large family. My Dad has 3 siblings, and my mom has 6 siblings!
6. Twins run in our family. My Dad is a twin, my Gma's brother was a twin, and it skips a generation as far back as they can count. Yep.. it's MY generation.. yikes!
7. One of my biggest fears is ever having twins!
8. I'm afraid of heights and spiders more than anything
9. I'm also afraid of 'paranormal' stuff.. have had several experiences I could've gone my entire life not experiencing
10. Met Clayton when i was 14, he was 16, we've been together since
11. Found out I was pg with Madison October 10, 2000 when I was 17
12. We were married November 25, 2000 and I was suffering with such horrid morning sickness that i was afraid I'd throw up walking down the aisle
13. We went to Hot Springs for our honeymoon
14. I practice "attatchment parenting" which involves no spanking, no cying it out, lots of baby wearing and holding, nursing on demand and in general self weaning, and cosleeping. (though carter now only sleeps with us in the mornings... which is nice)
15. I am prolife, but not an extremist. I'd never want to tell a woman she could not have an abortion if her LIFE were at risk or other extreme circumstances. In general though, I'm very anti abortion
16. I'm in Independant. I don't like the moral views of many Demoncrats, Don't like the slack environmental issues of the Republicans. If I were forced to pick one side, I'd be Republican
17. I try really hard to be a 'submissive' wife and don't feel like a doormat because of it
18. My husband is the best you could ever have
19. I worry a lot about our health (my family's) and try really hard to make healthy meals and have lots of physical actiivity each day.
20. I would love to have 4 children, but 3 will probably be it
21. I cannot imagine ever going to work... I have no desire to do anything but what i'm doing right now.
22. In accordance with my attatchment parenting policy, I think spanking should be illegal and seen just as a husband hitting his wife is. It wasn't long ago that a woman was her husband's property and subject to his hand when he was displeased
23. I always wanted curly hair, until this year
24. I'm 'type A' personality and drive myself insane reaching for a perfection that could never be acheived
25. I try not to expect my children to be perfect, but in reality I still do probably expect far too much from both of them
26. I don't like being wrong and often don't think I am wrong, big fault!!
27. I have one biological sister that is 6yrs older than I am, and 2 stepbrothers. One is my age and one is 2yrs older
28. I hated being home my entire life. I was never comfortable at home until I had my own
29. My first car was a 92 Sunbird... not the greatest but I really loved it!
30. It drives me crazy when hangers get stuck together in the closet
31. My biggest attraction to friends are if they can make me laugh and understand my dry wit
32. I like to talk.. a lot
33. I try to be a good listener when I can make myself shut up long enough
34. Due to health reasons when pg with madison I never graduated high school.
35. I was a straight A'd student my entire time I was in school
36. I have a horrible body image.. I finally have realized I'll never like my body so I might as well enjoy a cookie and shut up about it
37. I love being pregnant
38. I'm the sickest person I know when I am pregnant, and I still love it anyway
39. I get attatched to people really quickly
40. My logical side sometimes gets in the way of my spiritual side
41. I want an explantation for EVERYTHING
42. One of my biggest fears is that clayton will die
43. I worry about how i will die. I don't want to suffer, duh
44. If I weren't a mom, I'd probably be a child psychologist
45. I love my inlaws
46. I have 3 nephews and 1 neice
47. I really hope our next child is a girl... shhhh...
48. I like name brands
49. I want Madison to be the best dressed kid in Kindergarten, and yes, I realize how vain that is
50. I love to sing and dance.. when the kids aren't with me I'm JAMMING!
51. I, in secret, still listen to a Britney Spears CD that I loved in high school.. you know... Oops I did it again..
52. I only have one friend that I talk to from school
53. I still think my husband is hot after being with him for 9 years
54. I feel better about myself in this point of life than I ever have
55. I have dreams of fostering animals one day until they get adopted
56. I dream of adopting a child in the future
57. I've never flown in an airplane
58. I love chocolate!!
59. My dream vacation spot would be any gorgeous beach that isn't crowded
60. I have green eyes
61. I am the only green eyed person in my family, Clayton and the kids have blue eyes
62. I have a soft heart for teen girls... I know their struggles all too well
63. I don't like 'absolutes' in life. I always like to think things can change for the better
64. I dream of selling our house and moving closer to town into a bigger house... shame on me!
65. I'm addicted to Coca-Cola.. I no longer keep it in the house at all.. but the parkers are sweet enough to typically have one or two for me!
66. I actually do think I'm a good mom and wife, most of the time
67. I could be a better mom, wife, and friend if I had more grace for people
68. I hate how even country music videos now all have naked women dancing around
69. I hate all rap videos... could they be more generic?!
70. I have many thoughts of what I'd do to someone if they ever hurt my children or my husband.. Mamma Bear Syndrom I guess
71. Say something negative about my man and Them's fighten words!
72. I think people who don't like cops are typically the ones spending their time in jail
73. I think smoking around children should be considered child abuse
74. I wonder how anyone can like the taste of beer
75. or whiskey
76. or vodka
77. I'm a night owl... i'd rather stay up late and sleep in.. not that I ever get to sleep in but I do stay up late
78. I do not think Superman is attractive.. any of them
79. I like my hair to be long but always cut it because I think I'll like it shorter
80. I'm controlling
81. I think I'm fairly fun to be around.. I'm pretty laid back about most things
82. My biggest anxiety comes from my house being messy.
83. I wish we had a girls night out once a week!
84. I like the 'classic' look.. nothing to 'out there'.. and modern yet comfy
85. I find it easier to talk to men than women a lot of the time
86. I've been accused of having a male brain, except I can be a cryer at times
87. I truly do not care what most people think of me
88. I wish my husband had a different job, mainly due to the hours he works
89. I stay hot most of the time... give me air please!
90. I always wish that women today had the option to dress in big fancy dresses just to run to town like they used to and not be looked at weird
91. I love to dress up!!
92. I have to force myself to brush my teeth twice a day.. it's such a draining task for me for some reason lol
93. I can handle most gross things, but if I hear someone throwing up, I'm likely to puke too
94. I don't like any kinds of seafood
95. I love eating at The Outback!
96. I know just enough about computers to not be an idiot but not enough to do anything of importance on one
97. I can be jealous... if a girl is looking at Clayton it makes my blood boil!!
98. I actually like it that clayton is semi jealous!
99. I hate PDA!!!
100. I'd love to live around Hot Springs

WHEW!! If you read even half of those.. you deserve a certificate of loyalty to my blogg or something! Have fun LeeAnn and Rosy!

"If I have a girl, know what I'll name her?"

This question came from Madison after watching one of those baby shows on tv that I love so much right now. I ask her what she would name her baby girl and she says, "Allie." ISN'T THAT CUTE?! You have to keep in mind that typically when she names her stuffed animals it's not very original... her pony will be named "pony" and her idea of a really pretty name would be something like "Sparkle Pony" or something.. so for her to come up with a REAL name was so neat to me! I asked her what she'd name a boy.. and she couldn't come up with a name.. she is anti baby boy! She also remembered something i had told her when Carter was just SIX months old!! She had asked me (when carter was a baby) when we could have another baby, because she wanted a baby sister. She'd ask me this almost daily! I told her, "Well, we already have a baby right now, so maybe when Carter is big, we can have another baby if God gives us one." So yesterday she says to me, "Mommy, Carter is a big boy now isn't he?" "Yes, he is a big boy!" "Well then when are we having another baby?!" How on earth did she remember that?! Has she just been sitting on that all of this time waiting for me to say that, yes, Carter is a big boy? lol Kids' minds are amazing.. when Clayton calls me last minute to ask me to pick up something from the store that isn't on my list, I have to tell Madison to remember that item for me, and she does! 5 year olds sure do come in handy!

Madison also had her dentist appointment yesterday. The only traumatic part was taking her first set of dental xrays. Poor thing... you know the plastic things you have to bite on? They were gagging her and she was just a crying..but she still did it! Her teeth looked great.. no problems at all! The tooth they had put a watch on was fine so that is great. No loose teeth yet.. but she said to be on the lookot because kids typically lose their first tooth at age 5. WHAT?! I am really not ready for this next step towards her being a big girl. Her baby teeth will be gone?! WHY?! Ugh... time flies! Madison can't wait to lose a tooth... she's seen some friends with gaps in their smiles and she wants to be just like them!

Clayton and I had our first 'tiff' last night in a very long time. I KNOW it's because of two reasons. Reason 1: My progress in faith and with Christ. Satan is NOT happy that I've stopped listening to his lies that God isn't with me and that God doesn't care what happens to me. Reason 2: In small group we've been talking a lot about being a good wife and things related to that... holding your tongue, not beign easily offended, etc. All things IN GENERAL I don't struggle with. Satan is waging war with me though. I was upset with Clayton ALL DAY yesterday. I did have reason.. but not much of one. And even with all of his really great efforts to smooth things over I still sat on my anger and hurt and refused to let him off the hook. So we spent his ONE night off in a heated discussion with me crying and him looking at me asking "What do you want me to do? I don't know what else I can do!" I had no idea... I even had talked to Suzanne TWICE that day about how I knew that my feelings were related to my growing faith, but still, I didn't resist enough. I let myself dwell on those feelings and basically ruined what should have been a really great day/night. At least I'm blaming who's responcible.. Satan. There was a great spiritual battle being fought in my soul and I let myself lose with my emotions. He knows my weak point. So please be praying for my strength to not let him win this battle.. I know there will be many more tests of faith to come.. as there always are when you start to progress. I refuse to go back to where I was even two weeks ago... this battle I am on God's side!

God did hear me

Don't get too excited.. it's way too early to know if I'm pg this month or not. Let me give you a quick explanation of how to know if you're ovulating (well, if you're a woman lol) Basically you take your temp at the same time every morning and put the info on a chart. (I do mine online, it does the rest for me) Before you ovulate, your temp is low, once you ovulate you release the hormone Progesterone (which sustains a pregnancy if one occurs) and that hormone raises your body temp. so your post-ovulation temps automatically shoot up and stay up until the hag shows. So, when I had all physical signs of ovulation, I had no temp change.. a 'flat' chart as it is called. I was so discouraged. Every other month that I've had that happen I really had not ovulated.. so I felt very defeated. Then I remembered that post Lou made.. it had nothing to do with this, but that simple sentence of "nothing is impossible with God" came to mind, so I posted what I did yesterday. When I woke this morning my temperature went sky high!! God heard me.. he responded, and he did make what seemed impossible to me this month possible. For the FIST time in the 8 months we've been trying to conceive, I felt God was with me. I mean.. REALLY with me. I have tears running down my face as I type this. There's no scientific reason for this to happen.. it really is basically impossible.. I know it was God. Even if he still doesn't intend for me to be pregnant this month, at least I feel him with me now. The verse of the song "Praise you in this Storm" by Casting Crowns always made me cry because it was so true for me...

"My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find you?"

Now I feel I've "found" him. Now I can carry on. Thank you God!

Is God up to something?

Of course.. God is ALWAYS up to something... but I guess in the spirit of optimism I am hoping he's up to something big for us this month. So, without getting into a long and drawn out version of it, all of the 'ways' you can FOR SURE know you've ovulated have basically failed me this month, meaning it looks as though I did not ovulate at all. However, I'm feeling like I normally feel once I do ovulate... so this is beyond confusing. I had a thought though. I remember a great conversation Suzanne and I had a while back when they were still living with her parents. She was saying how Jeff had preached (or just had a talk with a group?) about praying SPECIFICALLY for things so that when those things came to pass you could give all of the glory to God. I'm sure Suzanne said it much better than I wrote it, but you get the idea. So my thought is, what if God is making it look like it is impossible for me to have gotten pregnant this month, so that WHEN I find out I am in a few weeks, all the glory is on him? Wishful thinking or maybe I'm onto something... I pray I'm onto something! So God.. if you make this happen this month.. you will have made the impossible possible!

Playgroup today ROCKED!! It was just Suzanne, Leslie, and me with our kids.. but the kids were great, the chit chat was fun, and we all went to Suzanne's after for pizza and more hanging out. Lou and Michael joined us there with Ashtan.. who I think will quickly become Carter's favorite boy if he can beat Noah out of the number 1 position. ;)

Does anyone else watch that show on FX "Rescue Me"? It is my favorite! I got into it in 2004 when Clayton was away at Troop School and I'd be up late begging God to let my wide awake baby boy fall asleep. It became my Tuesday night show and still is! If you ever catch it on watch it!

Our awesome preacher had a sermon that was based around our vision for our futures.. that no matter how young or old you are you should still have a vision of what you want in your life. So I was curious what everyone's short term "visions" are? Mine? Hmm.. of course to get another baby on the way! Also to make reading the Bible a regular part of my life, and a part of our family life. (Suzanne's recent blogg helped me realize I really need to get back into this!) What's yours?

He has to sleep soon, right?

My little man... his sleep saga continues. He's been doing SO WELL since Clayton was on the day shift last month and was home when he'd go to bed at night. For the past 3 nights in a row he's been up several times a night again, insisting on being in our bed, and refusing to stay in his bed no matter how many times I put him back. I cut his nap short this afternoon in hopes that he'll be extra tired and sleep more soundly tonight. Yeah right! I need sleep!!! If he was 2 months I'd be understanding of it.. but 2 YEARS? Not so much.

Whew! Did it get super hot outside today or what?! It's a perfect day for cold watermelon.. good thing we happened to have one. :) I love this time of year because of all of the fresh produce. There's not another time of the year that you can get such great fruit! I love it! (and most veggies too!)

I noticed at WalMart the other day that they've got the school supplies lined up! I'm guessing the school supply lists will be posted at the front door soon.. I can't wait to take Madison and pick out her stuff for Kindergarten! I have no idea what she'll need.. but I'm still excited about getting it! And of course there's school clothes shopping.. that's the best! This year I'll learn from my mistake last year and go ahead and buy some fall clothes too! I didn't think it through that it would be cool off and on fairly quickly after she started school... this time I'm aware!

Can I tell you how excited I am for our first Women's Small Group Wednesday night?!! I just know it's going to be awesome!! Suzanne... get me a list of stuff to bring why don't ya! I'm willing and ready to serve others. ;)

For Suzanne

I saw this on blogthings.com and laughed my head off when I got my results.. for some reason I just knew you'd find this funny too!

You Are Thong Panties

Woman, you are one hell of a ride! You're a total wild child - and you live for crazy times. Men are attracted to you like flies to honey, even though they know they should stay away. You need a expert cowboy who can keep in tune with your free spirit!

What Kind of Panties Are You?

Any why should boys stay away from me? I'm offended! ;)

yumm.. smores!

The Parkers hosted a camp fire last night and we all roasted hot dogs and marshmallows for smores. I am the only person on the planet that does not like hotdogs so i just settled for Smores for supper. (fine with me!) I won't disclose exactly how many I inhaled just while we were outside... but let's just say that in the dark of night, you feel you're hidden while stuffing yourself!

Another fantastic day at church! I am so happy with preacher now, FOR SURE. There were more people at church today than i've seen in a long time, so God is building us up again... thank goodness! A couple that sits across from me has a 5 week old little boy... as if having a new preacher isn't enough excitement for me! I could go just stare at the baby for an hour every Sunday!

Be praying for Madison. Her 6 month cleaning at the dentist is coming up this Thursday. Even though she's had this done routinely since she was 2.5, she still gets a bit scared. I can't blame her.. I do too. I hate having to go to the dentist! Even just a cleaning always hurts me. They put a "watch" on one of her top teeth at her last visit so I'm praying that it hasn't gotten any worse. If it did, they'll fill it... ugh.. poor baby. It's amazing how you can do all of the "right" things, and their teeth look totally fine, but you go to the dentist and they find a cavity! What's up with that?! What more could i possibly do to keep this girl's mouth cavity free than what I'm doing? Anyway... be thinking of us! Pray for strong teeth!

Nights again

Well, this is the first weekend that we start the night shift again. Hooray hooray... I've been busying myself trying to rearrange Maddy's room with the new GORGEOUS bookshelf we got for her. It's working. I cannot decide where I want that darn thing! For now I'm okay with the placement of everything, but tomorrow I think I might look at it and decide to crazy myself by moving everything around again. At least her bed has rollers on it! :) (that's more than I can say for the bookshelf...)

I'm so proud of my little man. He is getting so good at his colors! Some days he acts like he doesn't know any of them, and then today he went over them with me over and over again and got them everytime! What a smartie pants.

Okay, am I the only one that wants to call LeeAnn and tell her to get her booty home?! Poor Tay must be beside himself. I forget that not everyone is used to not seeing their spouce like I am.. but heck, even I still get really lonely when Clayton has to go off for weeks at a time. (or even days!) It's hard to cope without your other half. (I didn't say "better" half.. because that would be me)

Madison has now informed me that if I want to play 'centers' in her room, I must bring my name tag and put it on the wall next to the center I am in. (just like at school) So we had to make name tags for everyone in the family. She's putting the finishing touches on them now. When did she become so complicated?

So, what do you do when your 2 year old decided he 1)doesn't want to wear a diaper anymore and 2)doesn't want to potty train? So far my answers have been a) agree to the no diaper in hopes he'll go to the potty and clean up pee off of the carpet or b)force a diaper on him. Option B has been my option of choice lately. Toddlers are so similar to puppies aren't they? They put everything in their mouths, they bite, they run away when you call them, and they pee on everything. Good thing they're both SO cute!

Cars

Well, we took the kids to see Cars this afternoon and it was so cute! Carter sat through the entire movie! He fell asleep towards the end, and Madison laughed through a lot of it, so it was a big hit. Clayton and I enjoyed it too, I'm sure we'll be buying that when it comes out! After hearing everyone talk about what a great movie it was, we HAD to take the kids.

I was so excited yesterday. Rosie was at Suzanne's and I got to leave the kids at home with Clayton and go hang out! It was great to see her... I'm just sad I didn't get more hang out time! I hope they'll both come back and stay sooner than later. I'm looking forward to all of the Josh pics I know LeeAnn will have when they get back from keeping him!

Group was really great last night. I LOVE that we made the switch to split into mens' and womens' groups... I am really excited to see where God will take us in the weeks to come! Clayton said he really enjoyed the guy talk as well... so it seems everyone is happy with the arrangement! Perfect! I can't wait until next week to see what comes up for us to discuss! One of our main topics Wednesday was being a submissive wife.. and just being a BETTER wife. It was great to talk openly about what each of us struggles with in dealing with your husbands. I'm sure that now that we've shared those things, God will help us change OURSELVES. (not that I need to change... pahleeze.. I couldn't be more perfect!) HA HA HA!!!

Emotional

This will be an incredibly self absorbed, whiney, emotional post... so for those who seek something more upbeat... go elsewhere for today. I have no idea why I'm feeling like this. I'm not really sad, I'm definitely not mad, I'm just feeling weird. Okay, I know what it is.. it's what it always is when i feel like this. I'm thinking a lot about wanting another baby and every now and then it gets to me.. I mean it REALLY gets to me. I guess right now I'm just praying I'll ovulate soon, and that we'll be done trying to have a baby after this month, and it's a bit overwhelming to me at times. My life is so great.... almost perfect really... yet I feel this huge hole in my heart. Is there ANYTHING more overtaking than the wanting of a child?! It is so consuming!! I never would have imagined I'd feel this way even after having two children. I feel guilty sometimes, like why don't the two I have totally fullfill me? So many couples would give anything to just have ONE child and here I am upset that I can't have 3. For me, the two I have make me want another child even more. I just love loving them and I love how they love me, and I love that they are ours... we made them! That is truly amazing! (well, God made them.. you know what I mean!) I've found myself eyeing those tiny newborn clothes when I go shopping... I even broke down and checked out an old time favorite maternity store online the other night when Clayton was working and imagined being able to buy those clothes in the next few months. Why? Why must I torture myself?! I know this post totally sucks and is probably no fun for anyone to read.. I guess I just needed the therapy of writing tonight. I know that God is going to work this all out, but that just doesn't help me with how I'm feeling in this moment. I keep holding onto the thought that when I do get that + test.... all of the heartache of the months past will immediately melt away and none of these feelings will matter anymore! It will all be made right! Sorry again for the total bummer of a post!!

New Preacher Update

HE WAS FANTASTIC!!! PRAISE GOD! Oh my gosh... Sunday was the best time at church I've had in many months, possibly in the past two years since we've gone to our church. Our new preacher, I swear, was sent just for me. :) His preaching style is upbeat and you WANT to listen to what he'll say next, he's funny, he's serious, he makes sense, and he hits you with point after point after point. I am so pleased with the blessing God has sent First Presbyterian Church! Thanks be to God!

So what's everyone doing for the 4th? So far our plans are going to visit family and have a big cookout thing. I'm not looking forward to the long drive... Clayton has to work so it'll be just the kids and me, but all in all I'm sure it will be a great time. I'm not sure if we'll see fireworks this year. Clayton always does those and I'm pretty sure I won't be up to going to the lake once we get back to town.. we'll see though! If nothing else we can always buy fireworks the day after for really cheap and shoot them on the 5th. :)

So, our puppy Major is really growing up! He's just the best dog! (well, don't ask our cat for his opinion.. he hates the dog!) So far he's been a very well behaved puppy... minus a few times he's chased and attacked the kids. ;) (puppies play really rough!) He's learned "sit" and I'm not sure there's much else i think he needs to know! Might as well work on some other tricks just for fun.. stimulate his brain! (and mine...)

My baby boy is talking up a storm! He went from barely saying anything to now speaking in simple sentences. He asks me all of the time now, "Is that hot?" if I'm feeding him something... or if he sees something, for instance like this morning he say a turtle on tv.. he said, "Is that a turtle?" He just asks about everything! He's even learned to say "sorry Mommy (or daddy)" if he hurts us... typically when he's trying to cuddle with us but will not sit still and he elbows us in the ribs! (Suzanne.. does this remind you of a certain middle child of yours?) :)

Well, everyone have a great 4th of July! I'm guessing I'll see many of you Wednesday night at the Parkers! (at the parkers?)

Can't wait to go to church!

We get our brand new preacher tomorrow for the first Sunday... I am so excited! I am praying he'll bring new life into our church! (and help me get back into the 'groove' so to speak) I'll let you all know how it goes! Pray for our church!

We had such a great time Friday night! The Parkers and the James's all came over and we just ate and hung out all night. It was a really nice way to end our "good" month that Clayton had a day shift. Starting Monday he's back on nights... so it'll be another 4/5 months before we see a day shift again. :P Ah well, he does have Wednesday nights off this month, so we can at least still go to small group together! I'm sure I'll adjust to going to bed alone after a few nights of it... if not I"ll just be very tired!

My favorite show is having a marathon tonight! Law & Order SVU.. man I love this show! I really shouldn't be watching it since Clayton's working overtime tonight and won't be home until way late, but I just can't resist. Even the ones I've seen several times before, I still sit and watch!

I thought of something kind of neat the other day. If I get pg this month, within our family our birthdays will be:
baby - March
Clayton - April
Carter - May
Madison - June
Me- July

Isn't that so cool?! Maybe that's what the hold up has been.. God just had this cute scheme all planned out. I'LL TAKE IT! :) Be praying for us... within a week or so I will know if I'm going to ovulate on my own again or not... I'm a little nervous about it but, also feeling a little less stressed over it than usual. I think I'm fianlly learning, a little, to give it over to God and let HIM deal with it. That is SO hard to do... but I really am trying! I have to say that having great friends that help remind me to do this has helped a lot. I can't imagine going through this without you guys to keep me lifted and to pray with and for me!

Hangin` with Taylee

We had such a great time last night and Taylor and Leeann's. Carter ran around insane the entire time.. chasing Banjo. Poor cat! Thankfully he didn't break anything but he had fun rearranging the room that is soon to get a makeover anyway. Books on a bookshelf are just begging to be thrown about a room! (which is strange because he doesn't touch the bookshelves we have here...) Taylor made an awesome supper.. I ate so much that, honestly, I was not hungry at all when I woke up this morning! It took me almost an hour to want to eat at all! Thanks for the bread too! Madison gives it a thumbs up! And yes, we are SO going to do the Red Lobster thing when we can!

Tonight is the last night of VBS. We'll all get to go and eat and sing and dance and see everything Madison has learned over the past week. She is so excited to show off her new 'skills' as she says. (Napolean Dynamite... Clayton is always talking about "skills" and now my daughter has picked it up... fantastic!)

Can I tell you that my son is not sleeping well, again!!! He was doing so great over the past several weeks, and now he's back to his old ways. 2 out of 3 nights he's been up several times. He gets into bed with us, keeps us awake by rubbing on us and kicking us, we put him back to his bed, he comes back to our bed, we put him back, he comes back. This goes on for HOURS!!! I don't know what to do with this kid. I just pray whatever he's going through that's messing with his sleep ends soon. Maybe the weird VBS schedule has thrown him off.. he doesn't deal well with change in schedule very well. Send us sleep vibes! So, due to the lack of sleep, I am having a hard time being a good mommy today. I really just want to veg out in front of the TV and not talk to anyone and definitely not get the kids ready to go out and sweat like I'm about to have to do when I"m done blogging. (notice how long this entry is? Am I avoiding going outside?) I'm contemplating getting the pool out.. then I can lay out and they can play and we'll both be doing what we want. :) Sounds like a compromise to me!

VBS!

Madison has been having a blast at VBS this year. She loves the costumes and is really enjoying the singing and dancing. She's made some really cute jewlrey already and she showed me a gorgeous cross she made last night. I can't wait to get all of her stuff home.. we get to bring it all home with us tomorrow. (that's the last night of it) I think this has been a really good thing for getting back in 'school' gear and being away from home and me again. She's had no problems with it so I'm feeling pretty confident she'll transition into Kindergarten easily. I'm not sure how easily I'll transition into her going, but there isn't a whole lot to be done about that!

We get to hang out at TayLee's tonight so that should be a good time. We'll just have Carter with us so that will make it easier to actually TALK to people! I have no clue who all will show up, but I hope most of the group can make it tonight. I'm so used to our weekly meetings that I feel a little sad when something happens and it doesn't happen!

We're starting dog training now.. or I am I should say. So far Major is a pretty smart pup. He's doing great with "sit" and "down" so I'm excited to see how much we'll be able to teach him in the future! Carter loves the dog! He runs to pick up his toy to throw for him and Major just dashes after it, which Carter finds hilarious! Carter chases the dog, the dog chases Carter... it sure does make playing outside easier on me! I just get to sit and watch! :)

Okay, if I don't get kids dressed, we will be late for VBS.. can't have that!