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Monday, July 03, 2006
Emotional
This will be an incredibly self absorbed, whiney, emotional post... so for those who seek something more upbeat... go elsewhere for today. I have no idea why I'm feeling like this. I'm not really sad, I'm definitely not mad, I'm just feeling weird. Okay, I know what it is.. it's what it always is when i feel like this. I'm thinking a lot about wanting another baby and every now and then it gets to me.. I mean it REALLY gets to me. I guess right now I'm just praying I'll ovulate soon, and that we'll be done trying to have a baby after this month, and it's a bit overwhelming to me at times. My life is so great.... almost perfect really... yet I feel this huge hole in my heart. Is there ANYTHING more overtaking than the wanting of a child?! It is so consuming!! I never would have imagined I'd feel this way even after having two children. I feel guilty sometimes, like why don't the two I have totally fullfill me? So many couples would give anything to just have ONE child and here I am upset that I can't have 3. For me, the two I have make me want another child even more. I just love loving them and I love how they love me, and I love that they are ours... we made them! That is truly amazing! (well, God made them.. you know what I mean!) I've found myself eyeing those tiny newborn clothes when I go shopping... I even broke down and checked out an old time favorite maternity store online the other night when Clayton was working and imagined being able to buy those clothes in the next few months. Why? Why must I torture myself?! I know this post totally sucks and is probably no fun for anyone to read.. I guess I just needed the therapy of writing tonight. I know that God is going to work this all out, but that just doesn't help me with how I'm feeling in this moment. I keep holding onto the thought that when I do get that + test.... all of the heartache of the months past will immediately melt away and none of these feelings will matter anymore! It will all be made right! Sorry again for the total bummer of a post!!
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4 comments:
So you are not totally crazy. I am wanting another one, but am waiting on Michael. I haven't really discussed it with him except we need to wait until Ashton is in preschool and we don't have to pay for that. I guess it is just a woman thing. I love the way Ashton looks at and interacts with other babies. I actually looked at maternity clothes today just daydreaming. Daydreaming gets us women into a lot of emotional stress.
Ditto on the baby thing. Jamie and I have been discussing it also-of course this would be our fourth,which many people scoff at.But I dont care.I will be praying for you....
Girl, no joke, you are one of the best moms that I know, hands down. I am not just saying that either! It's so great to see the way that your kids are SOOO into you, and you are so clearly in tune with them and their needs and wants. When things get crazy, just remember that you are AMAZING!!
I'm just letting everybody know that I am back to blogging: tammiestokes.blogspot.com
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