Not a Surprise I Wanted

I got a phone call Wednesday evening that I'm still struggling with. To say it was unexpected is the understatement of the century.

One of our foster children, that we assumed would be here very-very long term, if not forever, is now apparently going back home at the end of the school year. As in a couple of months from now.

Normally this a thing to celebrate in foster care. When the parents see their wrongs, work hard to correct them, and get their children back - that's a reason to praise God! But, this case.. it's a reason to cry out to God, "What?! What are you doing?!!"

Things can always change. They can change DAILY. But, for reasons I can't discuss, this does seem like it is going to happen.

Selfishly my heart is broken. This is my child... more mine than her "real" families if you ask me based upon actions. For her - she'll be happy to go home. No doubt. Almost all children want to go home, no matter how horrible home is. I can completely understand that. But, what she doesn't see, that I do... my heart breaks for her. I worry for her. I worry for her siblings... all I can do is pray. I have to know that God has her and this situation no matter what the end result. Even if I cannot see it right now, if she goes home, there must be a plan for her there. I just pray it's a plan that she can handle, and a plan that doesn't send her down a very wrong road in life.

This... this is why people don't do foster care. But, let me tell you. Even in THIS current state - with a huge loss apparently right around the corner - I wouldn't trade a SINGLE day of the last year+ that we've had with her. I wouldn't swap knowing her for not having this pain. I wouldn't go back to living in my hole in the ground where I refused to see what children really go through, and what they need, and how I really can help... I can if I'm willing to sacrifice EVERYTHING. I'd do it all again.. and again.. and again. Just like the pain of childbirth to have of-the-body children, the pain of loss in foster care is horrendous, but the love you have from God, and the love you give, is worth it.