A weighty issue

My weight that is. Samuel will be 2 months old tomorrow... it's really time I started doing a bit more to drop these pounds. I'd call it my "baby weight" except I'm already down to my prepregnancy weight... this is my "trying to get baby" weight. I finally forced myself to REALLY look at myself in the mirror the other day. Yikes! Who is this lady? When did my face get so full? When did I lose all definition in my arms and legs? And... I know my rear used to be up a few inches. Then again, I used to earn all of those things with healthy eating and working out almost every single day. Looking good was just a side effect of my longing to be as healthy as I could be. To run for just 5 more minutes each time, to lift just 5 more pounds today, to say no to the junk food because I knew it was toxic to my body. I used to really care what I ate and how much I moved. Now, my life seems to revolve around my children's health. I would never allow them to eat the way I allow myself to. I actually hide the junk I eat from them... I don't want them to see me eating that way and grow up thinking it's just the normal way to live. Sad isn't it? So, I write this because I hope that putting it out there for the blog world to see will help me make it. Each day I wake up feeling so confident that TODAY I'm starting over. TODAY I'm back to my old healthy and fit (and 15 pounds lighter) self. Then what happens? What are my excuses you might wonder? Well, I say them to myself enough... I'll just let you know them too!
MANDY'S UNFIT SELF'S EXCUSES
1) I'm nursing.. I'm starving... and besides... eventually he'll eat enough that I'll lose weight anyway.
***reasons this is a bad excuse - the junk is still junk.. and I shouldn't be feeding it to Samuel through my breast milk anyway.. it's still unhealthy even if I lose weight while eating it.

2) I'm so tired... it's just too hard to exercise.
***bad excuse because - if I'd make myself exercise, I wouldn't be so tired all of the time!

3) It's too hard to find time to exercise with all of these kids.
***the kids love to exercise with me, and if I'd put housework aside just 30 minutes each day instead of MYSELF, I'd have time.

4) But the PopTarts, Cokes, chocolate (of any kind...), and cookies are just too good!
***when you get diabetes like the rest of your family you won't be able to have them anyway.... stop now before you kill yourself!
*** and as Oprah has said, "This doesn't taste as good as being thin (fit) feels!" So true.. so true

So, my peeps, TONIGHT is the start of a better way of living for me. I refuse to not like my body because of the things I do to it, and I refuse to eat crap that's slowly going to either kill me (diabetes, heart attack, stroke) or seriously diminish the quality of my life just because it tastes good. I'm sure smoking and doing drugs feels great to a lot of people... but it just isn't worth it. Eating is the same thing... only more acceptable. Now, if someone would PLEASE help me convince my husband that I really can't "just not eat it" when he brings treats into the house? If I could keep him away from WalMart... I'd be 20 pounds lighter I think... (excuse #5?)

For all who lacked faith...

... that my husband would ever get this little project done... he FINALLY did! It's been an ongoing joke for several weeks now that Clayton can basically tear down and rebuild an entire house in one month.. but he just can't bring himself to hang 6 letters in the boys' room. I got these letters totally ready to hang up 3 WEEKS before Samuel was born.. and it took him until 6 weeks AFTER he got here to get them on the walls. Ah well.. I love them and am glad he did it for me! I have a few more things to put together to hang up... and hopefully sometime before Christmas that task will be completed. ;)

The proof

We did make it to church Sunday (the kids and I anyway.. Clayton had just gotten home from work at 4:30am) and here's a pic to prove it. ;) Well.. I guess I could've just dressed them up for a picture, but no... this is when we came home. I actually got up and got everyone ready and to church 10 minutes early! Go me! :) It was tough though... and I was worn out by the time we got home. I know it'll get easier and easier as I keep doing it though.. just gotta keep trying!

Taking on church

We haven't been to church since Sam's been born.. yeah... I know, I don't need a lecture. lol I've decided that tomorrow I'm up for seeing how getting up and going on Sunday morning goes for us. Clayton's out working overtime right now so I bet he doesn't come home until around 4am or later... and he has to be at work at 2pm tomorrow.. so looks like it will be me and the kids alone. I swear I've told God, "If you want me to go to church.. you really need to bless us tomorrow!" Probably not the best of my talks with the Big Man... but he knows what I mean. One thing I don't like about going to church right now is that I, for some reason, feel really uncomfortable nursing there. Why? I breastfeed EVERYWHERE... why does church make me clam up so? I've got milk stored in the freezer just for times like these... but I really wish I didn't have that feeling of not being able to feed Samuel the way God intended in HIS house. I think it's probably b/c we're one of the only young families that regularly goes to church and I'm thinking the older generation is a lot less educated on the benefits of breastfeeding.. since back "in the day" people were told formula was the BEST way to feed a baby. (though I have had one of my favorite ladies at the church say how beautiful she thought breastfeeding was when she asked me if I was nursing Samuel... that's always nice to hear!) anyway.. enough booby talk!

Clayton starts back on nights in one week... part of me likes nights b/c he's home in the mornings so I can hand Samuel off (and the big kids!) and catch another hour or two of sleep. The other part of me hates the lonely nights. Now, don't get me wrong.. once we get reused to the night shift the nights aren't even lonely to me. But, when we get that once every several months day shift (that he's on this month) and then have to switch back to the several months of nights... it's just plain tough of me for about a week or so. Amazingly the kids seem to be completely indifferent to his schedule. I guess it's all they've ever known... and as long as Mommy is here the world is right! (b/c... let's face it.. mommies are the best!) I'm not sure which is harder.. getting used to being alone at night or having to get used to him being home at night complaining about the shows I've been watching for the past 4 months. lol I get sooo behind when he's here!

"You're Mean!"

Could I hear this phrase more often please? lol It usually starts out like this: Carter tries to hit Madison.. not because he 'wants' to hit her.. but because he knows it will make her scream at him. (and this is fun why?) Madison, right on cue, screams, "Carter, you're the meanest!!" To which Carter puts on his newly learned 'mean face' (see picture) and screams back, "No, You mean Ma-son!" Madison: "No, you are!" Carter: "No, YOU!" Then me.. from the living room into Madison's room: "YOU GUYS STOP YELLING!!!" Ahh... another good mommy moment from the Moss house... ;)

For Allison

You said I should blog my baby recommendations.. so here ya go!

You mentioned getting a hotsling..I do have to say that I like those too! I don't have one but almost got one before my GREAT friends got me the Ergo for my baby shower. I do think you'll get more use out of an Ergo... years and years of it. Any sling (in my opinion) will get hard to baby wear in after they get to a certain weight.. since they only go over one shoulder. Other recommendations I have... and remember, I do attatchment parenting so some of these things are specific to that. :)

Cosleeper! It's a bed that is for the baby that has one side off of it, it fits right against your bed so the baby can sleep right beside you, without you worrying about rolling over on top of him and without you losing any bed space. I have one that's a bassinet and a cosleeper.. you can put the side on it if you want. Love it! (mine is by Graco... got it at Baby Depot) I highly recommend cosleeping though.. not everyone is a fan!

"Swaddle Me" blanket. This by far is my favorite new find. I got mine at Baby Depot for $10 and have used it EVERY NIGHT since Samuel was born. (took it to the hospital.. it was all the rave lol.. every nurse came by to see it.. word of mouth spread!) It has velcro that keeps them swaddled up! Samuel is over a month old and he still fits in the 'small' size.. though I'm soon to buy a 'medium' b/c he sleeps sooo well in it.

Huggies Gentle Care diapers. I was a huge Pampers Swaddlers fan until I used these... I can't beleive I'm recommending Huggies over Pampers! lol

Plug in Baby swing.. mine is a cool Fisher Price Aquarium swing that my sister let me have.. but it takes batteries... LOTS of batteries. Now they have new swings that plug into the wall!!! Man oh man what I'd give to have one! lol

I'm a big breastfeeding nazi... so here is what I recommend for that!
- Lansinoh cream. (lanolin for your breasts... works wonders!!)
- Gerber Premium Contoured nursing pads... by far the best I've ever used.. and I've used them all!
- Boppy Pillow. I love mine and use it all of the time! Especially now that Sam's heavier... and especially at night when I'm too tired to really hold him well anyway.
- bottled water... sounds silly right? lol Let me tell ya... you'll want a bottle of water to sit down with everytime you nurse (because you'll be thirsty and b/c the more water you drink, the better your milk supply.. so drink up!) and having a cold one ready in fridge is always something I enjoy!
- the best breastfeeding book ever is put out by the Le Leche League... it's called "The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding" and will answer any question you could have and put to rest all of the awful myths out there that make many women quit. Please get this book!

How about a list of stuff i've found useless? lol (or a waste of cash)

#1 waste of money is any kind of diaper genie! If you have to buy bags to refill it.... forget it! Save your money and keep your walmart plastic bags and just twist diapers up in them and toss them that way... no stink! (and if you breastfeed the diapers won't stink anyway..another bonus!)

Snuggli baby carrier (or similar versions). DOn't get me wrong.. I loved them when mine were small infants.. but they outgrow them quickly! (and I spent a good chunk of money on mine with carter...) I'd definitely invest in a better baby carrier if you plan to use it long term.

Really expensive strollers! I just got the best stroller ever from walmart (a double stroller at that) for $89 and it rocks! (it's by Evenflo) Sometimes cheaper isn't bad!

I'm sure there's millions of other things that other mommies can comment on... I know I've left stuff out but there's what i thought of right off the top of my head. All you really need for the baby is a few outfits, you and your hubby, and some comfy blankies. :) (and a pacifier... in case your baby is like my second baby was and wants to eat CONSTANTLY)

by the way... would you please leave me your url to your blog again? I lost it :P

This is an Ergo

I've had tons of people ask me what an Ergo is since I've been raving about it... here are pics! I love love love this carrier.. it by far is better than others that might resemble it. For a newborn or young infant it has an "infant insert" that goes inside of it (the green 'blanket' looking thing surrounding Samuel) and it holds them in place so they don't slip out of the leg openings and snuggles them up! If you look you can see that he's being held in a cradle hold, not in a typical 'baby carrier' hold where the legs are splayed out in a seat. In this one his legs are both coming out of the same opening and he's seated in the carrier. There is also nothing between you and the baby with an Ergo... it is great for bonding and calming a fussy boy! (Ergo should really start paying me for these ads... ) I really wish I'd have had one of these with Carter... man oh man would it have been a life saver! Normally I have Sam snuggled down inside of it more but you wouldn't have been able to see him at all lol so I propped him up instead.

One month old

Somehow my little man turned one month old today. It's amazing how quickly time goes by. He's starting to stay awake more during the day, and also he's sometimes harder to get down for naps. (this morning is one of those times... he's asleep attatched to me in the Ergo as I type) He's smiled once or twice but still nothing regular.. he opens his mouth a lot when he's awake and grunts and sometimes lets out loud 'sighs' that show he's really trying to talk to us now. I can't wait for those sweet baby coos! He looks more and more like his siblings as he fills out.. and he's at the point now where I swear some mornings i look at him and ask, "Did you get bigger overnight?" He goes on really long "nursing sprees" as I call them about once a day. He'll just fuss and cry unless he's eating.. and this lasts anywhere from 1 to 3 HOURS. I've learned that after 30 minutes of nursing.. he's not hungry.. and I can stick him in the Ergo and clean the house or something and he'll pass out. (which is what we did this morning) He's doing pretty well most nights... sleeping 3 hours, up to eat, back to sleep for 3 more hours, up to eat, back to sleep for another hour or two... other nights he's up every hour. (last night was not so great...) I still enjoy getting that quiet time with him most of the time though. During the day when I sit to nurse him I've got my two 'helpers' on either side wanting to kiss him and rub on him.. which is sweet, but let's be honest, after this happens multiple times a day you just want them to go away so your newborn will stop chomping down on you everytime they scare him with a sudden kiss or squeel. lol Life seems to be pretty normal. It's as though he's always been here. He's outgrowing clothes already and it's killing me. I took millions of pictures the other day of him in the outfits I bought for him that he's already getting too big for. Realizing I'll never get to use them again almost makes me sick to my

stomach... I have such a hard time letting go of ANYTHING.. especially baby and kids' clothes. Oh well.. onto the next chapter of life! I know God will bless it just as he's blessed this one! It's going to be wonderful!

Supermom!

I feel like Supermom! Yesterday I had my first 'real' outing with all of the children by myself. I took them to the library and then to McDonald's for a rare treat of fast food and video games at the same time. lol It went pretty well.. I felt quite proud of my accomplishment when we got back home.

So, speaking of the library... has anyone been there lately? With their young children? While people are there on the computers? *sigh* First off, as soon as we walked through the door I got dirty looks from two different women that were sitting at the computers... even though ALL of my kiddoes were being totally silent little angels. I quickly realized that we could not hang out and look through books there like I had planned so my 'fun' day I had planned (mainly for madison because she loves the library) went down the drain. I spent the 10 minutes we were there rushing her to hurry and find some books so we could go because anytime Carter would whisper anything to me people would look over at us and give us the evil eye. (is it MY fault the library is so poorly designed?! Sorry that the 'work station' was put directly by the kids' area!! It's our library too folks!) The frustrating thing for me was that my kids were actually being REALLY good! Carter was even being quiet and doing what he was supposed to be doing... but that just wasn't good enough for some of those people I guess. I was feeling really looked at as we stood in line for FIVE MINUTES (which IS a long time with a squirmy baby and even more squirmy 3 year old) and Carter started getting into the stacks of books around us and Samuel started fussing. I finally get to the checkout line and had to get a library card (we usually use Clayton's) which was not easy with all that was going on. We finally got out of there! I told Madison that I'd have Daddy sit home with the boys next time and just she and I would go. We could both use the quiet time!

Thankfully McDonald's went much better! Samuel slept in the Ergo the entire time (which is the best thing EVER by the way... the Ergo) and Madison and Carter actually ate some food and took turns without complaining on the games. (anyone else find it odd that McDonald's... who's constantly under fire for "making people fat", would put video games in? So now kids can SIT and eat burgers and fries... YES!!) I even sprung for milk shakes before we left because I was so proud of them for being so good all morning. Too bad not all people could appreciate how good they were being.. but oh well... some people are just miserable I suppose. Must they make a point of making us happy people miserable too, though? I mean, I haven't slept in many months from being pg and now from having a newborn and I've been kinda cooped up for the past 3 weeks with all of the kids since I can just now really drive.. but I'm not out biting people's heads off... not yet at least. Though that one girl at the computer area did almost get it... ;)

Going it alone

Well, Clayton is back to work this week and all is well! It's our second day "going it alone" and I have to say that as much help as Clayton is when he's home, it is just WAY easier for him to be gone. lol Everyone that told me adding a third child to the family would be no big deal was so very right. I think a lot of that has to do with the baby I got... he's just about as content and quiet as a baby could possibly be. (unless he's hungry.. that's the ONLY time he fusses) Nights are going fairly well too. Right now Samuel is sleeping about 2/3 hours at a time, waking up to eat and get a diaper, and then back to sleep. (though at 4am he does want to wake up for about an hour.. ugh...) Carter is the hard one at night.. yes... still. I had that boy sleeping all night long in his own bed until right before Samuel was born and now it seems we're right back to square one. Clayton and I had decided a few nights ago that it just wasn't worth the battle and loss of sleep right now and we'd "fight it out" with him later on... but after he tossed and turned and kept me awake for HOURS on end last night beside me in bed... I am saying it's worth the fight NOW. Wish us luck... I have no idea what I did when I was pregnant with Carter to make him such a horrid sleeper... but I am so thankful he's the only one out of three that is like this. lol

One thing that I had not missed while I was pregnant was having to watch what I'm eating and exercising for weight loss... we're back to that.. sort of. One of my favorite things about breastfeeding is I can basically eat whatever I want, as long as I exercise, and still drop a lot of weight. One Sam decides to wean though... that's when the REALLY hard part starts! I hate having to watch what I eat. lol Right now I'm just getting really impatient (yes, already...) and I wish I could snap my fingers and have a waist line again. Must the baby belly hang around after the baby is out? Why does it have to take so darn long for me to get my midsection in working order again? Many of my friends and I have talked about how skinny you feel the first week after giving birth.. your stomach is so dramatically smaller! Then, as the weeks go on, you are still shrinking down, but you feel bigger. lol Patience is still not my strong suit I suppose.

I hear crying... must be feeding time!

Finally!

Carter finally asked to hold Samuel a few days ago. He's only wanted to hold him once since then but it was nice to actually get a picture of the two boys together. I've yet to get one of all three kids together... Carter isn't into sitting still for things like that. When I have more energy I am going to take them all outside and hopefully I'll get some good ones that way.

We took Samuel for his one week checkup last week, on Wednesday. He was 7 pounds 10 ounces when we left the hospital and Wednesday he was back up to 7lbs 15oz... I'm excited to see what he'll weigh this wednesday when we go back. He kept me up ALL night last night eating so I'm guessing this is his first growth spurt and he'll start packing on the pounds from here on out. It's pretty exhausting... but I'm hopeful in a few days he'll settle down and be back to his usual good sleeping self. (praying that is...)

The kids have Vacation Bible School this week and the first night was yesterday. They had such a good time. I'll have to take my camera and get some pictures to share. Carter refused to dress up in costume but he did at least participate in the singing, dancing, and other activities. They have a group just for the little kids so they don't have to sit through the lessons and such... great idea! The kids were totally exhausted when we got home from it, which was another bonus. Easiest bedtime ever! Carter did get up at 5am this morning for some reason though... and at 2pm he's STILL awake.. I'm not sure how he'll make it through VBS tonight. We may have to drop Madison off and just keep the boys at home. I think us being there last night stressed Sam too... I do think it contributed to his really awful night last night. He doesn't seem to enjoy being held for some reason.. at least not for hours on end like he was last night. Each time we've had company and he's held a lot he is really fussy the rest of the night. Who'd have thought I'd end up with a kid that does BETTER laying in his own bed? Hopefully keeping him home and in his usual routine will let our night go better tonight. One can hope!

Totally blessed

Here is our little man... Samuel Dean. Words cannot describe my feelings for him and my 'new' family. I feel totally overwhelmed with joy and love! I can't count how many times I've said "thank you God!" since in the operating room when I heard his first cry. I can't count the number of times I've burst into tears of happiness just from looking at him and feeling him breathing on my neck. Seeing Madison and Carter with him is amazing. Madison is completely in love with him and holds him constantly. Carter, last night, told me, "I love that baby, Mommy." (he calls him "baby" or "that baby" rather than Samuel. lol) He doesn't want to hold him but he's started patting his back or touching him on his own throughout the day now.

Obviously everything went well with his birth. I wasn't even afraid in the O. R.... I was wide awake and so excited. I felt him being pulled out of my stomach and he immediately started screaming. I started bawling.. I was so relieved to hear such a big cry. When the doctor held him up I was so shocked at what a familiar face it was.. he looks so much like both his big sister and brother. He has a head full of dark hair.. just not quite as much as his siblings had. (which I'm happy with since he's a boy!) He is absolutely perfect in every way. He is so easy! Almost too easy! You have to pick him up just to hold him because he never cries unless he's hungry. He's content to just sit or lay wherever he is most of the time. He's a great eater and nursing has gone without a hitch. He's such a good sleeper that I often have to try to wake him up to feed him when he gets close to 3/4 hours without food. It's crazy to me that he's so calm! I'm so surprised at how much he weighed with being only 38 weeks when he was born. 8lbs 2oz and 20.5 inches. He's nicely filled out. :)

I'm feeling great.. this birth has been so easy! I got to keep my epidural in place until the next afternoon so I was 100% pain free for a long time after the surgery. Once it was taken out my pain was still minimal. I'm up and around pretty well! I'm up for company for sure if any of you all would like to come for a visit. My kids would probably enjoy it too. (especially if you bring food... hint hint lol) So, everyone here is doing great and I feel completely blessed. My house is finally complete... I am so thankful!

Rescheduled... one week until birthday!

I had my checkup yesterday and we've moved my csection date up to June 13... as in ONE WEEK from today! I'm suddenly having a lot of contractions, my blood pressure is creeping up, so on and so on. Not to mention my doctor is going to Orlando, FL on the 14th and won't be back until the 17th.. if I go into labor in that time a different doctor will be doing my csection... not okay with that! So, I'll be a little over 38 weeks on June 13... definitely considered full term but I'm still nervous about it. I just want him to be healthy. The way I'm going right now though just making it until the 13th will be a good thing. I'm trying to sit still so I won't contract so often but it's hard to be still when you're nervous about an upcoming surgery and birth and nesting has kicked in big time! I wish Clayton could just take off of work for the next week so I never have to be alone with just my kids and my thoughts. I sat on the couch bawling my eyes out as I was folding towels this afternoon for no apparent reason.. I guess I'm emotionally a little overwhelmed. I'm getting really scared about the Csection (even though I really think it will go fine.. it's still scary!) and I'm so emotional about finally meeting Samuel! It seems like we've been waiting on him forever and now we're only one week away from holding him! I feel like next Wednesday will never "really" come and I'll just remain pregnant forever. Isn't it funny how you convince yourself of that EVERY time? lol Thankfully Carter has only had one potty accident so at least I haven't been on my hands and knees scrubbing floors today... my body really cannot handle that anymore. My daughter is being fairly pouty and is quite frankly a little on my nerves... probably b/c mommy hurts too much to do anything really cool and fun with her... nonetheless I'm not in the mood for an attitude today. My brain is swirling non-stop and I'm making myself crazy... I'm just ready to get this surgery over with, my baby safely in my arms and HOME, and life to get on the road to a new normal. And, have I mentioned that my daughter is getting on my nerves...?

"It's a good thing I'm cute."

Oh my son... he's been potty trained for a solid 8 months or so. I don't know if the baby coming is interfering with his making it to the potty or if he's just decided to be '3' and pee everywhere again. I've discovered that as long as I make him go potty once or twice an hour, no accidents happen. Problem is.. sometimes I forget.. and then he 'forgets' and typically ends up peeing in madison's room in his chair. (can I tell you how tired clayton and I are of taking the chair outside to scrub it down with the water hose and laundry detergent?) The past few days have been a lot better... lots of reminding, lots of praise for keeping his pants dry, you know the drill. Yesterday I noticed the bathroom had a pee like smell. I know, it's a bathroom.. but come on.. it shouldn't actually smell of urine. I figured that Carter must have just peed a little out of the potty so I asked Clayton to scrub the bottom of the camode and behind it. He did... and the smell persisted. Not only did the smell persist, but by this afternoon it was much worse. I went in and scrubbed the entire camode.. inside and out. Didn't help. I pick up the rug and realize that it reeks of pee! Ugh.. he must have REALLY missed the potty and just peed right on the rug! So I tossed it outside to be cleaned tomorrow. (same drill as cleaning the chair) I figured that would surely fix the smell... nope. I finally went all out! I mopped, scrubbed baseboards, cabinents, everything! I think I finally defeated the smell. All of this from a 3yr old that can no longer make it to the potty on time. *sigh* I hope this phase passes soon... it's like having a puppy! I've said several times since my little man was born.. "It's a good thing you're so cute.."

Brain? Hello?

I am 100% in Baby Land right now... which is the pregnant woman's version of "La La Land." 2 weeks and 4 days to go until the Csection date.. and it's "almost" all I can think of. I'm getting nervous about having to undergo surgery again.. but I have abundant faith it will go smoothly. I'm INSANELY excited to meet Samuel and to have him with us. Feeling his entire body rolling around inside of me now is so amazing... I can pick out his bottom, his back, his knees, and his feet. (they're all nice and snug under my rib cage...) We've got the crib totally ready (not that he'll sleep in it) and the cosleeper all assembled and the sheets for it washed. (not that he'll sleep in that either...) All that's lacking is him! Braxton Hicks contractions have taken over my life.... stopping me in my tracks by day, waking me up by night. I feel like a whale... the 9th month is glorious physically isn't it? I'm as big as I could possibly ever be, well, at least until this time next week when, amazingly, I will grow even bigger. Clayton seems to be soaking my appearance up this time... seeing as how the "plan" is for this to be the last baby. I was in the pool with the kids this afternoon (yes, in a bathing suit...) and he begged me to let him get the camera to take my picture. Is he absolutely crazy?! I know... I will miss being pregnant when I'm not anymore... I will think back fondly on my belly... but there is really no need to immortalize me in a picture at this stage! Let me put on a complete outfit that I feel decent in and THEN we can take 9 month pregnant pictures. So... I'm just in a whirlwind right now of wanting my baby boy in my arms and out of my womb and all that comes with that excitement and nervousness. I feel "nesting" coming on, which means I'll be even more psychotic about the house being clean than I normally am. (my poor family.. pray for them..) I told Clayton today that if he wore his shoes inside the house one more time, and tracked grass and/or dirt in the house one more time, I would be sending him divorce papers. We'll see if our marraige will stand up until the baby comes. ;)

June 18

That is what we've scheduled to be Samuel's birthday... so just 3 weeks and a few days to go until we meet our little man! I'm so excited.. he's all I can think about lately. I can't believe we've reached the end already.. he really is going to be here with us very soon! :)

We took Madison out of school Tuesday and Wednesday so that we could all go to the zoo. We had a really great time! I held up well until the very end and I insisted it was time to go after I had about 5 contractions in 30 minutes time. We did see every single animal there and have lunch so I think I did quite well! The kids were exhausted when we left... they both knocked out in the van after about 3 minutes of driving. I'll share the pics when I get them on the computer.

I also had a Dr's appt yesterday. So far I'm up 19 pounds total (35 weeks) and everything's looking great! Measured to 36cm so one week ahead... so all is well with his growth it seems. I am now going every week.. Tuesday I have to go again. With gas being so expensive I'm not looking forward to all of that driving! I am excited though b/c those once a week appts mean you're done! :) Thank God all has gone so well so far...just start praying for a healthy mommy and baby on DDay.

Yep...

Here I am. I know.. not a great belly picture but it's all I have right now and I figured it's better than nothing. Sharing pics of myself 8.5 months pg is hard enough... you're lucky I was brave enough to post this at all. lol In reality, that was at Carter's bday party so I'm probably even bigger than that as I sit here today. Oh well.. what can ya do, right? Just thank God for that sweet baby that's making you stick out all over! :)

I want to ask everyone to pray for Clayton and his safety and the other police officers in our area. I don't have the stomach to even talk about what all is going on right now... but it's gang related and the "initiation" process is to shoot a police officer. I'm very afraid for his safety, and ours too. Seeing him and the other police officers on such high alert makes me more nervous. The more serious they take these things, the more serious I know they are. So just please... if you think of us during your day or night, please say a prayer. Word is this weekend will be a bad one and of course Clayton is working the night shift and will be out in the thick of it. I'm afraid for him to be out working, I'm afraid to be here alone... I know I am not in control and that it is all in God's hands. That offers both peace and fear to me.

On a much brighter note... my shopping trip last weekend went great! My mom bought Samuel's crib bedding, which is just so adorable!, and I got a great new double stroller for only $89!! (full price from walmart in Cabot... sweet right?!) I bought a really cool swaddling blanket called "Swaddle Me" that i cannot wait to try out. (it velcros closed in a few places so once you get them wrapped all snug in there, they can't break out!) And, yes guys, I did get a breast pump. lol We are down to only about 4.5 weeks to go until D-Day... I am filled with pure joy and excitement! I've yet to feel afraid or nervous about adding him to the family... I just really cannot wait! I feel like we've waited forever for him.. I cannot wait to hold him in my arms and see his little face and know he's real! Not much longer! He will really be here before we know it!

Partying and puking

We had Carter's 3rd birthday party last weekend. I have a lot of cute pics but clayton, as always, has the camera with him so I can't show them off today. The party was a lot of fun and everyone came! :) The only bad part was one of our guests brought the stomach virus to everyone at the party. Sunday night both Madison and Carter woke up throwing up, just a few hours after Leslie had called to tell me Tyler was throwing up, and Monday morning I heard from Suzanne that her kids were also sick. My mother-in-law caught it as well. So the first part of our week was a bit rough... oh.. madison also had pink eye. Thankfully by Tuesday evening everyone in the house was over everything and the rest of our week went by without a hitch.

Wednesday I had my 33 week checkup and found out I had gained 4 pounds in just two weeks... I wasn't surprised. I knew it would be "one of those" visits for me. Oh well.. overall I've gained 16 pounds.. which is nothing... so that's really not something I'm going to complain about. Samuel had hit a major growth spurt too so that made me feel better also. I measured 29cm the last time I was there... two weeks later it jumped to 33cm. So that's quite a bit! His heart rate was 138bpm and everything was great! We'll schedule our csection when I go back in two weeks... wow! Just 6 weeks to go... that's so soon. How on earth has this pg passed by so quickly?

Clayton is gone to the Spring River this weekend with two other Troopers so I'm taking the kids to my mom's (near Little Rock) for a weekend of eating out and shopping! (trying to gain another 4 pounds in the next two weeks lol) My main two things to purchase are a new infant car seat and a new breast pump. Can't find what I want in Monticello or Pine Bluff.. so to Little Rock we go! I can't wait!! I just hope my body will let me enjoy the walking and shopping.

What size?

So.. I quickly realized the other morning when I finished getting dressed that suddenly I am in desperate need of new underwear. (sorry guys.. skip this post) My breasts have exploded overnight, and my belly's ever increasing size means that I finally have to retire my pretty panties for the stretchy cotton kind. (oh how I fight this change each time!) So I figured WalMart would do since the bigger sizes are only temporary. I buy a bra in a size larger assuming it would be a perfect fit. I buy panties in a size or two larger assuming the same. I get home (no.. I never try on anything at the store) and realize the bra JUST fits and is a bit snug... and the panties are too big. I guess i underestimated the size of my chest and overestimated the size of my rear end. So another new bra is in my future probably in the next week.... and I figure that I've got about 6.5 more weeks for my rear to grow so, who knows, those new panties might work out after all. It will be quite a depressing day, and probably a new post, if the day comes those panties DO fit. Oh well, at least they're quite comfy!

My dancer

Madison can be so shy, quiet, and reserved... so imagine how surprising it is to me to see her shine on stage! She had such a great time at her dance recital. She has asked me twice since Saturday if she gets to do another recital this weekend... and is so disappointed when I tell her it's only a once a year ordeal. I wasn't sure we'd do dance again next season, but I'm sure now that we will. It's all she talks about! I'm so glad that she's found something that, for now, she really loves. I have to admit... dressing her up was so much fun for me. We ordered her flowers that we gave to her after the show and she just beamed. Seeing her dance with her hair all up in a cute little bun was just too sweet... her ballet dance brought tears to my eyes. The only bad thing about the recital is that her brand new ballet shoes did not make it back into her dance bag... so I'm really hoping someone picked them up and saw her initials on the bottom of them and is holding on to them for us! I'd hate to buy another new pair when we JUST bought those! Oh well.. they probably wouldn't have fit her for very long anyway.

In other news: I'm 8 months pg today! A whopping 32 weeks. It's flying by! I'm getting fairly massive and though I still feel pretty darn good most of the time.. I'm definitely finding myself tired more often. Samuel has discovered the joy of shoving his bottom and his heels (at the same time it seems) directly under my rib cage... I've heard women talk about being "kicked in the ribs" but honestly I never have felt this with the other two kids... man it's rough! Poor little guy is probably so squished that he's just trying to stretch out.. can't blame him!

I think the reality of this little guy coming is slowly sinking in for Clayton. Twice in the past week he's made remarks like, "Wow, can you believe he's going to be here so soon?" Ummmm... yeah. I can. I guess when you're the one that spends the 9 months puking, worrying, puking, sleeping, not sleeping, hurting, etc... you can REALLY believe that a baby is coming! lol Pregnancy can't be all fun and games or else no one would ever be ready for what it takes to deliver the baby! (especially with another csection in the cards! so scary!) I keep thinking about how incredibly blessed I am to be so many weeks pregnant. Everytime I haer about someone having a premature baby that must stay in the hospital being sick for weeks on end.. I thank God for the hip pain and the leg cramps because it's those things that come at the end. Making it to the end is such a miracle. So, we're on a 7 week countdown until approx. csection date. I guess I should schedule that pretty soon... probably talk to the Doc about it next visit!

Carter's smile...

Here it is.. how it looked up until about two weeks ago. We've had one heck of a week! Carter fell in the bathtub about two weeks ago. (yes, even though I was sitting RIGHT there) He fell and basically caught himself with his mouth on the side of the tub. I was unaware that that much blood could come from a 3 year old's mouth... surprise! I noticed, once the bleeding finally stopped, that one of his front teeth looked like maybe it had shifted a bit but it was really hard to get a good look with him screaming and not opening up and everything still being blood stained. The next day, sure enough.. I could tell it had shifted so into the dentist we went. They did what they could (basically looked at his tooth and his gums) and said "keep an eye on it and if it starts to change color or if his gums start to swell and hurt again, call us." A week went by.. nothing funky happened so I thought that we had escaped serious tooth injury. Nope. Over a week after he fell we noticed that his tooth was turning gray!! I freak out, start bawling, and call Yvonne (whom I go to church with and works at my dentist's office) at her house and explain what was going on. She reassured me that no matter how ugly it looked, it wasn't an emergency, and just to call the pediatric dentist in the morning. (this was sunday) So I did.. we got him an appt, and they took Xrays and such and said not to worry about it. (seriously? His tooth is a different color and this isn't concerning?) They said it was "bruised" and that's why it's discolored and that it could possibly lighten up on its own with time. Worst case scenerio is we take him in in the future for an internal tooth bleaching. The Xrays showed nothing to be broken or dislodged so we just keep an eye out for pain and swelling. Talk about a sigh of relief! So.. my baby boy's mouth now looks different.. and I hate it. It's always hard on me when ANYTHING about their looks change..especially when it changes in a way like this! So.. everyone pray for God to please keep that tooth healthy and as an added bonus to let it whiten back up on its own so I don't have to take my little man for more torture treatments at the dentist! (good news was the rest of his teeth were great.. no cavities or other problems so hoorah!)

Side note: Madison's dance recital is tomorrow and we're all so excited! I've got way cute pics to share but no time tonight! Keep an eye out for another post soon. :)

Rummage sale!

I will be doing my first ever rummage sale tomorrow morning with Leslie H. I'm really excited about it! I hope to get rid of a lot of stuff and make some cash in the process. It was extremely hard on me though to go through all of madison's baby clothes (up to 2t) and put prices on them. I guess once you get rid of those things, you're REALLY admitting that they'll never fit into them again. I kept a few special items, but the majority of it is going. I've already sold several things... and I realized that the hard part is the initial parting with them, and once they're gone that's it! It's fine!

Clayton's birthday is this Sunday. (April 22) He's turning 26... I can't believe that! I've been with him since he was 16... well, he turned 17 a few weeks after we got together, but still. That's a long time! How things have changed in these past years. We've literally grown up together... I think that's rather sweet. :)

Sorry this post is all over the place.. my son is tantruming over the nap he doesn't want to take so I'm off to save the day... again!

Samuel!

Here are two of the 4D pictures we got taken today during our amazing ultrasound! They are a bit distorted (mainly his nose) but still really beautiful if you ask me! (even though scanning them into the puter did make a glare.. sorry) I cannot begin to describe our experience today... it was just incredible. You could make out all of his facial features, his expressions, down to the lines in his fingers and toes and the creases in his cheeks! He sucked his hands THE ENTIRE TIME! (another constant nurser in the making?) At one point he was even trying to get his toes into his mouth! lol He weighs around 3.8pounds now.. I couldn't get over how fat he was already! He has the same lips and nose as Madison and Carter.. it was almost like looking at old baby pics. I can't wait to show some of you the pics that we have b/c they're so much clearer in person.. and the DVD is just unbelievable! I really cannot wait for the next 9 weeks to go by now... I cannot wait to officially meet my little man!

By the way, can you see in the first picture that he's almost crying? Right after she snapped this shot he got his fingers into his mouth, and then grinned... we missed that pic though. :P

ZZzzZZzzZZzz...

Oh man... I feel like I'm being flung back into the first trimester. It's hit me all of a sudden that I am just plain exhausted! No matter how much sleep I get at night, I'm painfully tired the next morning and struggle to peel myself out of bed when the alarm goes off. I even broke down and took a nap today after I got Carter to bed. I am NOT someone that likes to nap... I feel it's such a waste of time and I usually feel stressed if I even try to rest for very long because my "to do" list is running like crazy in my mind.. all of the things I'm NOT doing because I'm being a slug. But, today, I told my head to shove it.. I had to sleep! I felt no better after waking up 40 MINUTES LATER! (that's quite a nap to me!) Thankfully my mood is still really upbeat and happy even though I'm walking around holding my eyelids open. I had a few weeks of plain moodiness a while back.. I was no fun to be around and I didn't even like myself most of the time! lol

To add to my "things I normally don't do but am doing now" list... I think, for the first time ever, I'm going to quit something. We signed Madison up for Tball this year for the sole reason that Clayton was going to sign up to be her assistant coach and we could work it around our schedules so it wouldn't all fall upon my shoulders. Well, they had too many ppl sign up and Clayton and the guy he wanted to coach with weren't needed... we had a meeting yesterday with our team to get a list of rules and a list of things we still had to buy (quite a list!!) and i left nearly in tears. I called Clayton and told him that I am NOT doing Tball this year. I don't care if we already paid for it, I don't care how it looks for me to quit, I cannot handle it. The schedule set up for practises was going to kill me and it completely overlaps with our current dance schedule. (which I could make an entire new post about.. but won't.. let's just say we will not be doing dance next yr!) So I'm going to try to convince Clayton to make the call to the coach to say "we quit" because I can barely stand to admit it.. I am not a quitter. I feel like I should be able to handle this.. but it is supposed to be fun and I can tell already it will be much more stressful than fun! (As Suzanne said to me today when I called to talk to her about all of this 'stuff', "Who is this for? If Madison doesn't even care and you don't want to do it... then why do it?") Such wisdom from a friend! She's so right! So... April 28th is our dance recital and after that my plan is to enjoy family time now before Samuel makes his big debut. I don't need anything additional right now! So there, I admit it... I became a quitter!

Back again

So I've grown a little bored with blogging lately. Clayton is back on the night shift again now though so my interest will probably greatly pick up now that I will have so much time at night to be on the puter!

So, what is this first picture of? Madison and Carter.. what could they possibly be studying so closely? An ant hill. This ant hill literally popped up overnight and those two were completely fascinated with it! So much so that Madison begged me to take several pictures of the ants with our camera... and then with her very own disposable camera that we gave her, she took her own pictures. (I could make an entire new post about what madison took pictures of... 27 pictures, and none of people! Flowers, grass, cats, dogs, etc.. she's 5.. you get the point!) I could have never imagined how interesting watching ants could be... and how they could love watching them so much yet freak out so quickly if they saw a few of them coming towards them.

So, the next pic... yes, two in one night, you are so lucky that I had time! :) This is me.. entering my 29th week of pregnancy. It is shocking to me to see my belly now. When I'm sitting around or even walking around I still feel so comfortable. I don't feel like I have a belly at all unless I have to get on the ground for some reason. So, to see a picture of what I actually look like is a bit crazy! We have several mirrors in our house... none of which are full length, and none of which I can see my belly in b/c they're up too high, which just adds to my occasional surprise when I do catch a glimpse of myself elsewhere. It's like it hits me, "Oh! I really am pregnant!" For the record, I had a dr's appt on Wednesday and all is great! I've finally manged to gain 10 pounds total and I measured 28cm which is perfect for 28 weeks. Samuel's h/b was 135bpm.. it's always so slow... maybe it means he's calm? lol We went to the Parker's after our appt and it was soooo great to visit with them! The kids ran and played and Suzanne let me hold Josiah a ton! He just slept, nursed, pooped, and slept and nursed some more. Such a sweet baby and he is even cuter now than he was at birth. I was a big dummy and didn't get a single pic of him even though I had the camera IN THE HOUSE! ARRGHH! Pg brain.. sorry!

Okay, last thing. My dear husband finally got sick of me nagging him and he got Madison's and the bathroom doors re-framed, and PAINTED. :) Baseboards are now installed in the hallway and the only big thing left to do is hang Carter's door. I actually painted all of the doors today while he painted the trim in our entire house. It looks sooooo good! I keep staring down the hallway in awe... I can't wait to see it completely finished. We have to buy some more door framing things (yeah.. I don't know what they're called) and then he can check this job off of his honey do list. The only other big item is pain the outside of the house. Any color but this horrid blue that's out here now! Okay.. not 'any' color.. something in the light beige would suit me! Oh.. he also bought two new ceiling fans for the living room. We love the fans in here now, but one will only spin on low speed (so now we can REALLY freeze you all out when you visit with the new ones that work correctly! lol) and the other you can no longer pull the chain that turns the light on and off.. so it's stuck on "on" all of the time unless you flip the switch off on the wall. So, new fans will be in soon. we'll have to host a Settlers party once it's all completed so you can all see how hard my man's been working!

Spring Break!

Ahh.... the last day of school before spring break was today. We had a great evening tonight (the kids and me, clayton's working) and I'm really looking forward to a fairly relaxing week at home with the kids. I know Madison is in need of a break... her mouth always starts to get her into trouble when she's stressed and tired. Last night I thought about shoving a sock in her mouth to muffle her so I didn't have to listen to complaints, whining, and backtalking anymore. Erasing one of the 3 most favorite shows of hers on the DVR did the trick... after many warnings she just would not stop the backtalking, and deleting a cartoon was all it took to snap her back into the real world where she is a kid and I am the mommy. Lesson learned... and she's been her usual jovial self since! Now that she's back under control I think I'm going to have to start putting the smack down on Carter. That boy... he's a neverending story! lol He's sleeping like a normal child now, all night long, every single night IN HIS OWN BED. Even napping each day! However, I think all of this new sleep is giving him even more energy than he had before so he's almost double the crazy each day! Super loud, rough, and wanting to go from one thing to the next so quickly that it's making my head spin. So.. now to work on him. I think I said "shhh.. quiet.." a zillion times today. I even brought out the "quiet signal" which he actually liked. (you know.. ask for the 'quiet signal' and teach them to put their finger over their mouth) We'll see if the quiet signal catches on and becomes a successful tool in my parenting box! I'm encouraging him to be loud and insane outside, and more calm and quiet inside. With as much as we're outdoors lately I really don't see how he has the energy to come inside and run a muck! He's like his daddy... the two of them just seem to have endless energy! So, be thinking of me each day... we'll see how long this "phase" with Carter takes to work through. And once we work through this one, I am afraid to see what the next one might be!

Josiah David

Is such a beautiful boy! We had a great visit with the Parkers at the hospital yesterday evening. We were lucky enough to be the only company they had when we were there so we got to just relax with them and they were kind enough to let us snuggle the baby! (I even got to change a diaper! So sweet when they're so tiny.) He has very little hair, which is so typical for the Parker kids at birth. lol I must say his little face was so cute! He is nursing well and so far everyone seems to be in great health. Praise God! Here are two pics that we got.. I'd add more but remember, my dialup makes this ridiculous!

Suzanne called this morning...(edited)

... on their way to the hospital for the induction. (around 7:15am) She said she was already having contractions every 5 minutes, but they weren't very strong. I think that's fantastic! :) I have butterflies in my stomach just waiting for the BIG phone call. She said she'd call later if she could, but would definitely call as soon as she could after Josiah makes his appearance. I'll keep a running update going on here for those of you anxiously awaiting news like I am. My plan is to go for a short visit this evening if they're up for company and post pics for you all. I know they're really excited to share him with their friends! That's all I know for now.. check back throughout the day and I promise to update asap with any new info! Pray pray pray for a healthy mom and baby!

**edited to add** Just got a text message (10:20am) saying she's 6cm and 90% effaced! Won't be long now!

**12:30am** Matt text mess. me again and said "Done! All is well!" I have no details but little Josiah is here already! I'll let you know when they call with more info!! I'm so excited to hear all about him! :)

**1:00pm** 7 pounds, 11ounces; 20 inches long! Suzanne called and sounded overjoyed and very well! Talked for about 15 minutes... she said he's beautiful and healthy. Nearly bald but a few little blonde hairs here and there. I'll post pics as soon as I can tomorrow after we see them this evening.

Update for Suzanne

Sorry I've been absent from blogworld for a while. The great weather we've had lately (minus today) has kept us all outside and there's been no time for indoor entertainment. I wanted to let everyone know that Suzanne will be induced Friday morning (March 16) and hopefully Josiah will arrive that afternoon sometime! I'll take pics and post them with Suzanne and Matt's permission. I am so excited for them! So be praying for a safe delivery for everyone... I cannot wait to meet the newest Parker. :)

6 months!

I am 6 months pg TODAY. :) Yep... a big 24 weeks.. I can't believe it. It's flying by now. Clayton has finally started talking names.. sort of. He still hasn't said that he likes my name (Samuel) or told me a name that he's thinking of, but at least he does keep saying "we need to name this little guy!" To which I keep saying, "I've named him already.. you need to name him.." I go for my checkup tomorrow morning. Should be fairly boring. Boring is great in pregnancy! I had way too much "fun" with Carter by this point. I'm really loving this no stress growing a baby business. My Sciatic Nerve has calmed down a bit this week, thank God! I really thought I was not going to be able to walk if it got any worse last week. Why would your body be designed so that's even POSSIBLE? I don't get it!

Well, on the home front, Madison was sick but is over it... Carter now has what she had as of midnight last night. (yep... no sleep for us!) The only symptom he seems to have is a fever.. possibly a sore throat b/c he doesn't want to eat anything. (but I never want to eat when I'm sick so who can tell) I hope he's over his as quickly as Madison was over hers. I'm sooo tired of being the sick house... seems like everyone in blogland is having or has had the same problem. Go away winter yuckies!!

I haven't read my Bible at all this week... sick kids to blame but that's no excuse! I'll find time... and I'll let you know about it! :)

This is easy...

I will probably eat these words in the next few days, because that's just how 'it' works. But I was just thinking about a brief conversation I had with Brandy F. at small group the other night. I asked her how old Kynlee was.. (9).. and I told her how glad I am to get to be around a child a bit older than Madison. It always seems like such foreign territory dealing with a child any older than my own. I told her how I can remember holding Madison as a newborn and looking at other people's two year olds and thinking "How will I take care of a two year old?!" Being the mom to a 5/6 year old was beyond imagining to me at that time. It just hit me today that I AM the mother of a CHILD now. Not a baby... not a toddler.. a child. And it's pretty easy! It's nothing like what I had imagined it would be. She's such a sweet girl. So empathetic, so smart, and so so so wanting to please. This is just her nature... she was a perfect child to start out parenting! I was worried Carter would be my insane crazy child, but so far he really is not a big deal either! He's definitely more physically active than Madison was, but as far as his behavior, now that he's almost a big 3yr old.. we have almost no problems with him. I don't know the last time he even had to sit in time out! The hitting has almost totally stopped, and other than a few yelling episodes at other kids, he's basically lost his aggressive side. He outgrew it! Hooray! :) I have just been surprised at how 'easy' parenting has been up until this point. Sure, you have days that you want to run away and hide lol. But, as a whole, God has just blessed me with this whole raising kids thing. Once I was willing to work on being patient, he gave me patience! I don't always keep my cool, but MOST of the time I do. That's such a big achievement for me. I'm not a yeller, not a spanker (no offense everyone else in the parenting world lol), not a briber, and not a mom that gives in and caters to my kids every whims. These were the things I feared I would become as a mother.. I actually worried I would no longer like my kids much once they weren't sweet babies anymore. (that sounds awful.. just being truthful though) Imagine my shock when my almost 6yr old can still bring me to tears by saying something sweet. That my soon to be 3yr old still melts me with those sporadic kisses and hugs. I could've never seen this coming! Isn't it wonderful that God gives us children? Seriously... I'm so undeserving of mine... and he's given me three. He's given me three humans that, at least for a short time in their lives, will see me as the most wonderful person in the world. Someone they really can't imagine not having in their lives each and every single day. What a huge gift! Thank you God for the children! For mine especially :)

Sleep is a beautiful thing!

I haven't posted on it but I've talked to several of you in person about my recent 'sleep training' with Carter. We've always been a no crying it out family, a family bed if the baby needs it family, and now, after almost 3 years of letting our boy get what he needed from us in the wee hours of the morning, we've decided it's time to put bedtime into the discipline spotlight. My theory is when it starts to hurt me more than it helps them.. it's time for a change! I can no longer sleep with my tossing, turning, rub all over mommy and daddy all night long, son. So, for the past week and a half each time he's gotten up I've put him back to his bed. I still don't do crying it out, I would, some nights, be in his room comforting him 12 or more times, in faith that eventually the point would be made: "You are not getting into the big bed." For the past two nights he's gone to bed without a fuss, stayed asleep ALL NIGHT LONG, and come to our bed for a cuddle around 6:30am. I woke up this morning feeling sooooo good! Clayton's comment was, "We get one sleeping through the night right before we bring another one home... we better enjoy this while it lasts!" Yeah... I plan to enjoy each and every night of it! I'll update you in a few days to see if he continues to sleep all night or if he has a relapse to 'test' me... I'm determined to 'win' this battle now though. We're all happier now.. a rested mommy is a much more fun mommy!

For a "reading my Bible" update:
Tonight I read Matthew 5:43-48. I'm reading in the Life Application Bible for those wondering. These verses struck me because of how simple they sound, yet how INCREDIBLY hard they are to follow... they almost leave me asking God, "Seriously? Are you really expecting this of me?"

"You have heard it said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more for than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as our heavenly Father is perfect."

The "Are not even the tax collectors doing that?" question really struck me. This is probably a huge reason Christians are looked at as hypocrites. We're supposed to love EVERYONE... treat EVERYONE well. That's a pretty tough rule to follow, at least for me. Not that I can imagine myself ever treating anyone poorly... but to go as far as to say I LOVE certain people just seems so... well... unrealistic. Just yesterday, Clayton read an article in the paper to me about a man that got sentenced to only 2yrs on prison and a fine to pay after killing someone while driving drunk and wreckless. This is the one (of many) fatality wrecks that Clayton has worked that had us both in tears... and to see this guy get off so light for taking a life burned me up. I definitely felt no love for this man... quite the opposite. So my question is this: How do we love those we hate? Is it action rather than feeling? Does God really expect us to FEEL love towards them.. or is it more about forgiveness, letting go of the past, or overlooking things that bother us? What do you think? I'm not sure what I think about this yet... it's something for me to ponder. I'd be interested in what you all have to say though.

Oh the fear

At small group one night Clayton had to rush out to respond to a possible drunk driver. Bonnie nearly had a hear attack and she kept asking how I could stand seeing him put on all of that protective gear and rush out of the room without crying. (been seeing it for a few years now I guess? lol) The truth is I think I finally gave that fear over to God.. I had to! I couldn't sleep at all when he was working nights for almost the entire first year he got on the highway. I worried about EVERYTHING. Now, I have just one thing that strikes huge amounts of fear into me... and it just happened. Clayton is out now working overtime (that's my dedicated man! Working hard for his family!) and as I was sitting here reading everyone's blogs, I heard several sirens coming down the highway towards our house. I stopped reading and forced myself to look out of the window, praying they were not coming to my house. I prayed "Dear God PLEASE let them go past our road.. please let them go past our road.." and thank the Lord they did. There would be nothing worse than seeing police cars pull up at our house... it would mean just one thing and I don't even want to think about it. I actually had a pretty big contraction I was so unnerved by the experience. That's only happened once before in the almost two years we've lived here. I think it scared me a lot more the first time! So, I guess I do still have fear. I guess it's more of knowing the reality.

On a happier, (much happier) note concerning my big man.... He was at headquarters the other day and his Sgt. called him in to read an email from Main HQ in Little Rock... about Clayton! There are a few different overtime 'themes' they can work.. clayton mainly works DWI overtime. He has a passion for making the roads safe... for getting idiots off of them and hopefully changing their lives in the process and saving someone else's as well. Well, it seems they keep a record, in the entire state, of the ratio of DWI hours worked compared to number of drunks gotten.. and clayton is NUMBER ONE IN THE STATE! In the ENTIRE state police.. Clayton got the most drunks in the hours he's worked. I am beyond proud. :) There is this fantastic banquet they put on each year for the top guys... we're invited! Problem is.. it's in June.. our baby boy is due in June! Yikes! I hope it's early in the month! lol So I'm just so so proud of him... I could dedicate an entire post to my husband and what he means to me and how fantastic he is in all areas of life. God really blessed me with him... to say the absolute least. I love that I have a spouce that I absolutely respect, love, look up to, and trust with all of my heart. Even after almost 10 years together he STILL melts me... love is my most favorite thing!

Finally reading

In small group we've been discussing what we do at home as a family to learn more or to praise God. I've been disappointed with myself each week when yet another week goes by and my efforts have been minimal at best. It hit me harder this week than ever. For the first time, in an extremely long time, I felt convicted about my lack of study of my Bible, and I became very aware that I was not only allowing myself to miss out on the closest relationship to God I could have, but I was taking that experience away from my children as well. So, today, I sat down and prayed and asked God to point me to something in the Bible that I would WANT to read. Something that would shake me up a bit.. get me excited about him again. After looking around for a bit I got to the book of Matthew. While I like it it's never been one that grabbed me and made me want to sit and read it, until today. We're all probably very familiar with a lot of Matthew... it's definitely a book I've heard preached from numerous times. I read this today though and plan to read it and discuss it with the kids this evening:

Matthew 5:6 "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled."

I've read this passage a million times in the past, but today it meant something to me. I've felt a distance between God and me for the past few years. The distance grew greater and greater when we had our struggle to become pregnant this time. Rather than drawing closer to God when I needed him most, I became angry and bitter at what he was "allowing" me to go through both physically and mentally. I refused to try to see the good in it... even though looking back, I can see it now. I spent a lot of time wishing I would just be "filled" with God, yet I had no desire to do anything to seek him out. I wanted to be joyful in Christ, but after reading this verse I realize that I just wasn't really "hungry" and "thirsty" for him. If I would've truly been looking to have my hunger and thirst for God satisfied, he would have done that for me. I was content to be heartbroken during that year, when I could have been much more joyful had I reached out to God for strength instead. (Why do I always do things the hard way?) A verse a few verses down also touched me:

Matthew 5:13 - "You are the salt of the earth. But if salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men."

I wonder how much value I was to God during my times of "long suffering." I still made good moral choices in life, I still tried to support those around me, but deep inside I was still lacking that God filled joy... and whether I tried my best to hide that or not, it had to effect many things around me. My goal is not to lose my "saltiness" again. That isn't always easy, but it's a good goal for me! We Christians should stand out, we should have that "flavor" that others lack and they see in us and they want it. If we're low and dull and easy to be defeated, no one will want whatever we have. I'm so thankful that God led me to this small group, that he has used as a tool to spark something in me that's been needing sparked for a long while. I feel so good right now. Just reading my Bible for a few short minutes has made such a difference in everything I'm thinking and feeling tonight. I pray that I can continue with this with determination each day from here on out.

Loving my kids again

The 5th month must be the best month of pregnancy! I am finally feeling like "me" again. I can eat again (as of THIS week!), I can clean the house like I normally do, get laundry done, do Carter's school work with him, and play with the kids... this is the life! I'm not huge yet, but am comfortably pregnant. I finally look like I belong in the maternity clothes I've been wearing and, without being too graphic, my husband is feeling loved again. lol The best thing about all of this is I finally am able to be a really good mom again. I haven't had to drag myself off of the couch to "come look at this" or peel myself off of the bathroom floor to play Candyland in a few weeks. I can tell Madison and Carter are really enjoying having me back to normal. Feeling this good makes me so excited to be adding another child to the family. It's funny how the days that I'm sick and/or exhausted I get really freaked out that this baby is actually coming. I have the "I cannot do this" thought or "what have I done?", which is even worse. Suzanne and I have taken turns reminding each other that once the baby comes, we won't be pregnant anymore.. just tired. lol (which is far easier for me than being pg AND tired) And, there's always the fantasy that "this one might be a good sleeper." (ha ha) Then, on days like today, I am nothing but euphoric about this little boy coming. I have the superwoman complex... "I can do this! I can do anything!" The bad thing about feeling this good is that I'm already forgetting how hard the first 4 months of being pregnant were for me. (and this is my 'easy' pg) It makes me question whether or not I can really say this is the last. (Did I say that?) I know that Clayton is DONE with 3... so I just pray that this baby coming does trigger a "complete" feeling in me. I guess that no matter how many children you have, some women just will always want more. I think it's just hard to see your babies grow up and know that that's it. No more babies.. ever. That's a hard pill for me to swallow. I guess only time will tell how I will feel in the future. I imagine once the reality of HAVING 3 kids gets here, I might very well feel done having children! lol

IT'S A BOY!!

The ultrasound revealed a perfect little boy!! We are SO excited! I cried so much during the ultrasound that I really felt like I missed the entire thing. lol Especially when he started grabbing his face with his hands and turning his head towards them... just totally melted me! He's around 12oz right now, which is right on track. He measured 1 day away from my due date.. perfect! We weren't able to get the 4D done today. There was a misunderstanding at the front desk during scheduling... the ultrasound tech won't do a 4D until 25 weeks, and she only does them on Fridays because it's a 45 minute long ultrasound... had no idea. So we still have that to look forward to in about 5 weeks! :) I was so shocked when I saw boy parts... I had NO feeling either way but I was still stunned! lol I couldn't be happier.. Carter so needs a brother to rough house with.. it will be great for our family! And Suzanne and I have already discussed how cool it is that our baby boys will be the same age and surely the best of friends growing up! I went shopping as soon as I left the office and bought several baby boy outfits. I hung them in Carter's closet when we got home.. I cannot stop looking at them. I am as giddy as I could be! It's so cool to know that he's a boy! Now he just needs a name... I'm stuck on Samuel, but Clayton won't say it's a for sure name yet. He better decide soon.. I hate calling this baby "baby" or "he".. I like calling them by their names! As far as I go, all was well. I only gained 1 more pound.. putting me at 2 pounds above my prepregnancy weight. Doctor said that baby and I look great, definitely not malnourished, so he's not concerned. Glad he's okay with it... it worries me! I figure that eventually I'm going to go for that appt that I gain 8 pounds in 4 weeks and it'll put my fears at ease! lol

Countdown!

Sorry I've been absent from blogland... but we've all had the flu so I've been totally out of comission for the past 6 days. And yes.. we've ALL had it.. every single one of us in the Moss household! I just wanted to post a reminder that this Wednesday is our big ultrasound day! I am so so excited!! I'll post about it as soon as I can... complete with pics if my slow as Christmas dial-up will comply! Hope everyone else is healthy!

In Heaven

Some of my favorite conversations that I will ever have with Madison must be occuring now, at age 5. Her topic of interest lately has been Heaven and God. I've finally gotten her over the fear she had at age 4 of dying, and HAVING to go be in Heaven without us, and being terrified of God. (long story.. another day lol) Now she is so excited about God and all that goes with him. Today, on our way to dance/tumbling class, we were listening to one of our million kid's cds and it happened to be one about dinosaurs. Before one of the songs the singers asks, "What do you think happened to the dinosaurs?" Madison's responce, which I thought was oh so smart (of course) was, "Mommy, I think the TRex ate ALL of the other dinosaurs.. and then he died because he was all out of food." So matter of factly she states this to me... and I tell her, "Maybe, no one really knows."
Madison: "God knows, he knows everything."

Me: "Yes, God knows."

Madison: "Maybe when we get to heaven we can ask him and he'll tell us."

Me: "Sure, I bet we can ask him!"

Madison: "Will there be roads in heaven? How will we get to God?"

Me: "The Bible says there are streets of gold in heaven... cool hu?"

Madison: "Woah, yeah! Can we drive our van on them?"

Me: "Umm.. I have no idea if there are cars in heaven. We might just have to walk..or maybe ride a horse."

Madison: "Or maybe a donkey..."

Me: "Why a donkey?" (almost laughing.. thinking this is random!)

Madison: "Well, Mary rode on a donkey when she and Joseph went to have Jesus.. so I bet God likes donkeys."

SMART GIRL :)

Bump, thump, roll, kick

I'm finally feeling this baby!! I've been feeling light flutters for several weeks.. but they were very sporadic and so light that I often wasn't sure if it was the baby or not. Well last night I was laying in bed and felt a BIG kick.. I even felt it with my hand! I couldn't stop smiling! I wanted to call someone and tell them but it was too late and I knew Clayton was busy at work.. so I just thanked God for allowing me to have that huge blessing before I went to sleep. It just puts so many fears to rest for me. Then as I was just sitting here reading other people's blogs I felt several little kicks.. and I had to post about it! I cannot tell you how THRILLED I am to finally have some sort of 'relationship' with this child. It's almost like a little game when you can lay down and poke your belly and they start poking you back. (probably scaring the poor thing to death doing that! lol) I'm just getting insanely excited about this baby now. Really.. it's almost overwhelming to me how intense my excitement is at times. My ultrasound is in 2 weeks.. so close, yet so far away! I've had two dreams now that this baby is a boy.. so we'll see if that holds true if the babe cooperates! I think I might go crazy once we know if it's a boy or a girl. I already have started eyeing baby clothes when I'm shopping.. it's going to be really hard to resist not buying EVERYTHING I see once I know if I should get pink or blue! Lord help my brain be calm for the next few months! It's starting to go insane already!

"I want to be JUST like you!"

Yes, this is my little BOY. The little boy who loves and adores and admires his big sister and all that she does. You can see that by this picture. She often wears those pink gloves and the pink hat to school when it's really cold out, and so he loves getting them from her as soon as she gets into the van and putting them on. He then says, "Look Madison! Look at my hat! I'm pretty too!" He wants nothing more than to be like her and impress her. She just giggles, tells me, "Mom! Look at Carter!" and then quickly loses interest in his cuteness. I can remember growing up and feeling the same way Carter feels about Madison about my sister. She is 6 years older than I am, and often times she played the part of my mother after my parents divorced. I thought she made the earth spin. Sometimes she would play with me and light up my day, but often times I was a pest to her and she would rather be on the phone, going out with friends, or having friends over and NOT wanting me around. How heartbreaking it can be for the younger siblings when the older ones grow up and "leave" you behind. It's almost like you're forced to find a new idol. Other than God, I've had several people I've looked up to in life. Some of them were people I wish I'd have known better than to want to immulate... but you live and you learn! Thinking about myself now, I really cannot think of anyone that I totally look up to, that i think I can learn great deals about life from. Maybe it's because I've finally grown sure of myself and my own abilities. I don't need others to tell me that I'm a good mother, a good wife, or a good person in general. I think it about myself, and I know my husband and kids think it of me, so what more do I need? It's so freeing to FINALLY not care what "someone" thinks of every decision I make in life. I'm sure the fact that I have a few very close friends now make all of the difference. Friends that, though we don't always agree, they always support me and if they feel I need to be knocked down a peg or two, they know how to do it without stirring me all up. Now i look at my daughter and I wonder if she looks at me the way that I always looked at my sister. If she has those "I want to be JUST like you" feelings. Scary thought that our children often do grow up to make the same mistakes and choices in life that we did. The saying "Do as I say and not as I do" just doesn't work does it? It makes me parent differently than I EVER imagined I would, it makes me treat other people much better than I might have in the past (not that i ever think I've been a mean person.. I just think a lot more about what my kids see me do now), and even the things I EAT have changed. IF my children want to want to grow up to be just like me, I pray that God helps me be a good role model for them. That is a huge responcibility! I have to say that Madison did tell me the other day, and it nearly made me cry, (pg hormones at play I'm sure) "Mommy, when I grow up and I'm a mommy, I want to be a mommy like you are and read and play and do playdough with my babies..." Maybe it wasn't, but I felt it was a great compliment. :)

The Religious Type

So.... I don't mean this post to offend or be mean... but after a phone conversation with a friend this afternoon.. I just had to say this. She typically drives me batty, yet I love her dearly as she honestly is the ONLY friend I still speak to from high school. Actually we've been friends since Kindergarten. Having said that, she constantly leaves me rolling my eyes. (and no, she'll never read this.. unless someone snitches on me) She and I have had several "religious" debates. She, I would classify, as a 'religious type.' Someone that takes the Bible to be completely literal even if it makes no sense that way... and someone that believes anything and everything her preacher says b/c.. well.. he's the preacher. He MUST know. Many of the interpretations she's told me of certain Bible passages leave me scratching my head, reading the Word, calling my reliable Christian buds, and asking them if I've been misled all of my life or if she really is insane. (she's insane...) Today she told me about this book. Her exact words, "Oh my gosh, Mandy, you have GOT to read this book... it is incredible.. and it REALLY happened!" (I, immediately, start the eye rolling) I say, "Cool, what is it?" Her: "It's called 90 Minutes in Heaven, written by 'someone's name I cannot remember' and it's about this guy that got killed in a car accident, like 4 ppl checked his pulse and he was DEAD, but he came back to life after 90 minutes and tells the story about going to heaven and what it was like! You HAVE GOT to read it!" Ummm.. no thanks. Now, before those who might have read it jump the gun... seriously... this story is far fetched to me. I don't know this fantastic so called Christian author that wrote it... and she doesn't either.. he could be a big fat liar! Maybe I lack faith... but I don't believe many books like that. I believe that God absolutely has the ability to make something like that happen.. I mean.. come on.. he's God! But I just can't bring myself to trust ppl I don't even know that tell stories like these. And, to be honest, people that do believe these kinds of books I typically see as gullible. As grasping for a real life sign of God's awesomeness because just being alive each day isn't proof enough of what he can do. Why do you always want that BIG story about a HUGE miracle? I find the fact that I'm an American a miracle.. thanks be to God! That i have 2.. and hopefully 3, perfect and healthy children... that the sun is there every single day, and the moon there each and every night.. and that gravity actually works and we, as a planet, stay in orbit like we're supposed to. What great works are those, right?! This post might make no sense... I apologize if so. I suffer from pregnancy induced insomnia each time i'm pg... I'm on week 2 of no sleep. But these things can get to me. I hate to see 'religious' people get a bad rep because we fall for anything that says it is written by a Christian or it's based on the Bible. I'm a Christian.. but I sure don't think I should become an author, write religious words, and try to lead others in the way of the Lord just because I own a Bible. Hopefully many writers that are out there truly are led by God.. I know several that I stay true to because I've never seen them go "astray"... but so many people out there are bad! We, as Christians, can't be made fools of! We have to keep things in perspective... and use that brain God gave us.

Presenting... "the bump"

Here I am... 15 weeks pg. Yes.. not the best of pictures. Realize I'm often here alone and had to take this myself.. and since I could not figure out how to turn the flash off (if you even can) I had to hold my finger over it like a moron so it wouldn't glare. But, anywho... for those who don't get to see me, this is me and the babe thus far! I'm happy to mostly be into my maternity clothes now.. that's for sure. A few pants still don't fit.. and a lot of my shirts look way too big, but who cares, right? A girl's gotta be comfortable! Going bra shopping would make me much more comfortable at this point.. but I figure I might as well tough it out for another month.. they're just gonna get bigger and who wants to buy 5 different sized bras for one pregnancy? Even if they are walmart cheapies... seems like a waste of $10 to me. I'm pretty sure I'm about to gain about 5 pounds this month... or more. My appetite is slowly picking up. I still can't eat very much in the morning... but I can eat semi okay at lunch.. and from there on out I'm starving! I keep asking myself if I should eat EVERYTIME I'm hungry or if my brain is totally warped with pg hormones and has no idea what's good for it anymore. As I said.. a girl's gotta be comfortable... eating everytime I'm hungry it is!

Dr's appt update

I went to the doctor yesterday for another checkup. (15 weeks) All was great! My blood pressure was perfect, I've finally gained 1 pound, putting me back to my prepregnancy weight, and baby's heartrate was 138bpm. (baby was snoozing it seemed) For some really exciting news: we get to find out if we have a boy or a girl on February 7!! Omgosh I cannot wait! And, I think we're going to spring for the 4D ultrasound. When will I ever get this oppertunity again, right? I can't wait to see the baby... just to see fingers and toes, and hopefully a great face shot. At this point I'm less concerned about the sex of the baby.. I just want to lay eyes on him or her! So next month I'll hopefully have some gorgeous baby pics to share with you all.

On the subject of babies... I finally found a sling that I want. I've been searching for them online and talking to other women about them forever.. and it's a pouch style sling from Slinglings and it's got RAVE reviews. The price is fantastic at right around $35 (much cheaper than a maya wrap and other styles that are similar to the pouch system that I like) so I could even buy one now and one later! My only dilima is whether or not to spring for the padded kind, that is good for leg support of older babies/toddlers in the hip hold. Might as well I guess.. I'll probably regret not getting it if I don't later on. I think it's like $10 extra. Considering I plan to be using it for 2+ years.. that's probably a small price to pay! I don't know if any other mommies are into babywearing/slinging but the sling I'm looking into I found at slinglings.com and you can read other types of carrier/sling reviews from thousands of other "earthy" mommies at thebabywearer.com