And Now We've Entered the "Angry" Phase

I have been patting myself on the back over the past couple of months that I've not let anger and judgement grip me when it comes to my foster children's parents.. well... at least where one case is concerned.

Yesterday that changed - quickly and drastically.

I wish I could vent on here about what happened, but I can't. I wish I could teleport to a location far away and strangle reality into a parent's head right now, but I can't. I wish I could understand how your children could ever not be the MOST important thing in your life, but I can't. I wish I could take pain away from a child that's hurting, scared, and uncertain of what's to come because of "big people's" bad choices, but I can't. I wish I could make this all better... all go away... but I can't.

I found myself in a puddle of tears on my bedroom floor this morning.. just crying out to God. "Why?!!" Begging for him to open the eyes of those that need it. Anger has a hold of me towards bio-parents and their recent decisions... we're working SO HARD on our end to heal and help these kids, to support their family reuniting, and I feel as though the other parties involved are not. And it makes me mad. It makes me hurt for the children. It makes me scared about the future and what will happen.

I am beyond rooting for the parents right now. I can't lift myself up to that place in this moment. I just want THEM to have to see their children cry for them. I want THEM to have to answer these awful questions. I want THEM to take ownership for the mess they've created.

Today I will pray, and I will know that many of you and my real-life friends have been in this place more times than you can count. How can people be so blind to the truth? I just cannot understand...

What Doubling My Kids in a Month has Taught Me

Going from 3 kids, to 6 kids, in a matter of a month has taught me a lot in a hurry. Learn or go nuts - one or the other will happen without a doubt.

I've called and harassed  asked all of my "bigger than normal family" friends what their tips and tricks are since my house suddenly filled up. I've learned a few things and I thought I'd share 'em with you. In case any of you are as completely, totally, and ridiculously insane as I am and want to ever parent this many children.. or more.

Dishes - My good friend Brandy said that her kids all have a color of dishes that belong to them. That way, they can use the same cup during the day and not mess up 3 (or 10 in some of my kids' cases..). Also, if "someone" forgets to clear their spot at the table after meals... they're instantly found out.

I haven't gone out to purchase color-coded dishes, but I have been using the "one cup a day" rule. Wow.. what a difference! I did not realize how many cups we were running through, but it's cut down drastically. Just think, if everyone in our house just used 2 cups a day - that would be 16 cups in ONE DAY. Ay-Yi-Yi!

Laundry - Many of my large family friends have said they keep clothing to a minimal. Some have a rule of "you have 'x' amount of space for your clothes.. if you have more clothes than can fit there - you have too many.

I do think this is a smart rule. But.. well... umm... I just like to buy clothes! Even with this many kids, as old as they all are, I still see them as real-life dolls. Especially my girls. How fun is it to dress up your girls?! So our bows and frills have mostly turned into jeans and sneakers but thankfully Sketchers invented Twinkle Toes and "girly moms" like me everywhere rejoiced! 

They are so stinkin' cute!

So, I've come up with different rules that work for me and my shop-a-holic ways.

We have two kids per bedroom. Each bedroom has its own LARGE hamper. When that hamper is full, I just take the whole thing to the laundry room and in it goes. I don't separate anymore. I'll pick one day every now and then and bleach white if they need it, but for daily purposes, it all goes together. It's super easy to take them from the dryer and right into the room they came from for putting it away. Towels have their own hampers in the bathrooms. Bathrooms have hooks.. each child is expected to use their same towel and hang it up at least 2 or 3 times.

And, I do laundry EVERY day. I've always done laundry every day since having 3 kids... but now I do a few loads EVERY day. It is just part of my daily routine now and doesn't seem as hard as it sounds. It saves me from having "Oh no we don't have any towels, socks, or jeans!" panic attack moments.

Food

This is where the going gets tough. I cannot believe how much food we're going through! I refuse to back down from my "we WILL eat healthy" rules... so we're just spending more right now. Ugh...

I'm thinking over meals and seeing how I can make healthy options that don't cost a fortune. For example, last night we had chicken marinated in Italian dressing (cooked in pan with a bit of non-stick spray, no oil, nothing.) with brown rice (from the box, that you have to cook for 35 minutes instead of my normal "boil in a bag" kind.) and green beans.

Fed all of us, was healthy, and didn't cost much! Hooray! If you have healthy meal options for a LARGE family that won't break the bank, PLEASE send them my way!

I've also gotten really strict on "random eating." With just 3 kids I didn't mind if they grabbed snacks whenever they wanted... but that has come to a sudden halt. We have 3 meals, and two snacks, at scheduled times. At first this felt way too rigid... I hated doing it. Now it's just normal! We're actually saving a lot of money by cutting down on them just grazing, and they're eating meals much better. Duh.

These are just a few of the things I've learned so far. There are many more but how long does one blog post really need to be? Share your tips and tricks with me! I could use them!



The Prolife Church?

Today I have had a mixture of joy and a mixture of sadness as I see Facebook swamped with prolife messages.. apparently it's prolife "day"... sorry, I'm not sure of the exact title.

Pastor's braved up in many churches today and spoke prolife messages. People likely churned in their seats... some wanting to stand up and applaud, some wanting to hide, some seething in anger. Abortion is one of those topics... few things stir people up like that word.

I have always been pro-life, and I would hope my actual life would show that. From a teen mom that chose life to a mom that now takes in children with no where else to go... I guess you could say we're a pro-life family.

Being "in the trenches" as it would be, I find myself increasingly frustrated with the church. Not my church.. not your church.. but the church as in "us."

We beat our Bibles and blog and Facebook and yell from picket lines that "abortion is a sin!" "It's MURDER!" "You'll go to hell!" "It's a CHILD not a CHOICE!"

Do I believe abortion is a sin? Yes. Do I believe an unborn baby is a "real" baby? Absolutely. Do I believe this method of screaming is helpful at all? No.

The people that already are pro-life will rally around you.. they'll comment on your blog posts and say "here here!" and they'll like your status updates... so will I. ;) The truth is... it doesn't change anything. Why? Because that's the truth.. words can be powerful, they can call us to action.. but without action.. NOTHING ever changes.

Most studies I've found say 1 in 50 children in America are homeless. IN AMERICA. In 2008 one study said there were 123,000 orphans IN AMERICA. Let's not forget how many more children in other countries are without food, shelter, and families. Living alone.... dying of starvation. Dying of AIDS. Dying from dehydration and illness. Suffering horrendously because someone chose life...

The sad truth is, for many people, there are worse things than death. I know this won't be a popular statement... I'm prepared for that, but until we as Christians stop telling everyone how prolife we are, and start LIVING how prolife we are... then there will always be abortion. There will always be unloved and unwanted babies ending up in dumpsters. There will always be children that spend years and years in foster care, never being adopted. How does a child age out of the system? How does an infant come into foster care IN AMERICA and never get adopted? How can we scream how much we LOVE children.. how MEANINGFUL their lives are to us and "should be to others" when we do NOTHING. Nothing. nothing.

I pray that today this prolife message will hit someone. I pray it will open someone's eyes. Being prolife isn't a political position. It isn't an emotion. It isn't a belief. It's a way of life. How can your life SHOW you support unborn babies, their struggling mothers, and their hopeless situation? There are ways that don't include fostering or adopting... but you have to find them.

Are you really prolife? Show it.

So, What's One More?

Five kids... piece of cake. Let's go with SIX!

Yeah, go ahead and commence with thinking we're nuts, or we must be ruining our bio kids, or whatevah. That's just fine b/c we are THRILLED!

I found out today that after months of phone calls to attorneys, case workers, and waiting for staffing after staffing to see what would happen, Emily is moving in with us!

A quick update for those unaware of this situation - We have been involved with Emily through the "Family Friend" program through the Arkansas Baptist Children's Home here in our town. She's is a DHS foster child that lives there. We've had her over to stay weeks at a time, weekends, holidays, etc for over a year. Now, she's getting to come live with us as a foster placement!!

Emily's case is private - but this is great for her. It was time to get her into a family and out of the group home. Group homes are amazing, yet so so sad that we need them... but they can never be a real family. House parents change, girls come and go... only Emily is the same one there now as when she first arrived. How is that different from being bounced from foster home to foster home?

Today we rejoice in God's provision for his children!!!! This seemed impossible to me a month ago. Road block after road block. I suppose God needed this to seem impossible so that I would absolutely give him all of the glory for this - I am totally in awe!!

I Promise, I am NOT 19...

Some of you already know that one of my part-time jobs is that I am a reporter for our local online news website: Monticello Live. I have been doing this since July of 2010.

This week is what I refer to as "week-o-meetings" where I go and sit in on numerous school board meetings, city council meetings, quorum court meetings.. you get the idea.

So far I've already hit up two separate school board meetings... and at BOTH of them, I was asked if I was a college student. Yes... seriously. By the people that are running the meetings. One of which I'm quite certain I've seen at no fewer than 4 meetings... in a row. What college student has that little to do on a Tuesday night?

I am still young... depending upon how old you are... but to be mistaken for a 19yr old? (and yes, that's the age I was mistaken to be.) Wow... Apparently having TONS of children is the key to keeping your youth!

Not that I'm complaining about supposedly still having my baby face - but it makes me wonder if anyone really takes me seriously, if they all are silently assuming I'm there by force from a professor?

Good Grief I Hate Visits

The boys have a once a week visit with their mom... and I'm very glad of that for MANY reasons. All of which would be completely obvious and not worth me writing out.

If I could be SUPER selfish here.. and just vent a bit.. I also completely hate the once a week visits. Why? Well... let me explain.

The day before visits, Big Brother knows is "the day before visits." This sends his brain into Never-Never Land where he begins acting out... lying, sneaking, wildness, and some defiance. None of these things are ever "serious" but when you get lied to about little things oh... 10 times in 2 hours... it becomes a large deal. The day of, amazingly, is usually a great day for us. Even after... we have some sadness, but nothing like I expected in the beginning. The day after... holy cow. Let's just say I'm honestly dreading after-school time today because yesterday was "the day."

It always feels like one step forward, two steps back. As the visit day is farther behind us, things get back to normal. Then, BAM.. here we go again.

I would never want to change the set up... not that I could anyway... I think it's important for them to see their mother as much as possible, especially Little Brother... but I just wish I knew a way to make this easier for me. I don't know how to calm him down, to keep the misbehavior at a minimal during the build-up. I feel like I'm constantly putting him through mental detox or something.

Any been there, done that advice? Is there a way to avoid this up and down of behavior?

Something that I haven't been very good at, that I know traumatized kids need, is to ask "how were you feeling when you did "that"?" to him after an event. I hate it when I realize way after the fact that I keep doing total foster-mom fails... I know the longer it takes me to get this stuff right - the harder it will be for all of us.

Some days I feel so victorious.. like "Yes! We finally got THAT behind us!" just to get smacked with something new... one really hard day... a new behavior that blows my mind... or my own mind going blank when I catch him in a lie or doing something that he knows he shouldn't.

I don't feel defeated, or like this is too hard. In all honesty, MOST of the time it's been fine. But, when he CHOOSES to make life difficult.. he is really good at it. (as most kids are...)

When the Fear Sets In

I'm hiding sitting in the office, listening to the kids giggle in the playroom down the hall. All 6 of them. My nest is full, my heart is full, my body and mind are TIRED.

We have our two foster sons here, and Emily.. the girl we so much wish we could add to our family. Time will tell.

During the busyness of each day I have found myself constantly pushing back thoughts that are surfacing. Feelings that I don't want to feel. I don't want to admit what's happening to me... but yesterday.. I finally admitted it.

I am falling in love. And, I know it will be a love that in the end, will probably break my heart. Enter: The reason most will not do foster care.

As I sat and rocked my 19 month old "Little Brother" to sleep for bed last night, with him facing tummy to tummy with me, and his nose burried so deep into my neck, just as my own babies did... I sang the two songs to him that I sing each night, and he hummed along. He patted me with one hand, and held my shirt with the other. I held one hand on the back of his head, holding him close, and the other around his bottom, so he wouldn't slip. We sat there rocking, singing... and falling in love. I put him in his crib after a kiss on the forehead and he opened his eyes to see me one last time.. he needs that reassurance. For the first time I whispered, "Good night, baby... I love you."

He calls me Mama. He cries for me to hold him. He cries when I leave him for any reason. He delights in my presence when I enter a room... especially if I've been gone for a while.

Today, as I rocked him before his nap... I felt the love growing, and the fear gripping me. I kept thinking, "You cannot love him this much.. you just cannot do this to yourself!"

But, how do you stop love? Why would you if you could?

My mind wandered to how long the boys would stay here. Would it be one more month? One more year? Thoughts circled of saying goodbye to two boys that are becoming my sons. How do you say goodbye?

You know when you open your home to the homeless that this is what you are getting into. You do it anyway, and you trust God to heal your broken heart when it breaks. Because it will break. Daily at times. When the 6 year old that thinks everything you say is hilarious, and wants to show you what a big and smart boy he is later tells you about abuse he's suffered as if it's no big deal.. your heart breaks. When you see that he's learning how to be in a real family, and he's let go of his food control because he finally trusts that you will ALWAYS feed him again... and then you think of him going back to where he came from.. your heart breaks. When you think of their mother and all she's going through right now, your heart breaks. This is not glamorous. This is not for our glory. This is not what most think... it isn't what I thought.

Fears are constant in my mind. I don't want a broken heart. I don't want "my boys" to leave and grow up in an inadequate household... possibly wasting the potential they possess. But, then I am gently reminded.. it isn't about me. I say that to myself constantly when my selfishness sets in. "This is NOT about me." It isn't even about them. It's all about being obedient to God's word... to care for the orphans and widows... and God didn't put stipulations in the Bible about "when you feel you are strong enough for the heartache..." or "when it suits you.." or "IF it suits you."

God always calls us to do what we feel we cannot... how else would he receive the praise?

So tonight, as I gear up to rock "my" boy to sleep and read stories to his big brother as he snuggles with me on the couch... I will admit my love, my fears, and my doubts. I will tell God and I will pray for more peace. A peace that doesn't come from understanding...

These are the two songs I sing and pray over Big and Little Brother each night... and honestly.. over myself.
 Sons and Daughters - Poor and Powerless
Phil Wickham - Safe

Double the C's and Double the S ... in the End You Have Success!

When you're walking on unsteady ground, you hate to celebrate out-loud when things become stable. Like you'll jinx yourself or create an earthquake. But, I decided to take a leap of faith and say HOORAY for the world to hear.

One week without major incident. Woop woop!

No lying (that I've caught,) No stealing (that I know of,) and much, much less bragging and "being obnoxious" from 6-yr old "Big Brother."

Social skills are quickly forming and can I get a hallelujah over that one?! Our first few play dates with friends all ended in tears, fights, and me wanting to strangle him. He, of course, looked at me like "What? Me? I didn't do anything wrong." After his restitutions were paid (such as cleaning up all of the toys solo at a friends house, even the ones that were out before we got there in an effort to "be a GREAT guest and make them want us to come back... and to be a HUGE blessing to our friends," he quickly figured out that being the punk-kid that bugs everyone makes ppl 1) not want to play with you and 2) makes your nazi-foster-mom make you make up for it. Lessons learned...

We've now had three play dates that went WONDERFULLY. No fights. No annoying chatter. No lying and making the kids angry.

Things aren't always smooth-sailing amongst the "siblings".. but nothing out of the ordinary. Being stuck together for all of these freak snow-days we've had lately has helped, and made it worse depending on the time of day and what everyone is in the mood to tolerate.

Speaking of.. here are some fun pics of our fun in the snow! See... we do have fun.. it isn't always restitutions and strong-sitting and duct tape... umm... never mind...

Samuel

Big Brother

Carter

Madison

Big Brother and Little Brother

Samuel and Little Brother being pulled on our redneck sled

See, we really do love each other... fun in the backyard

Our BFF's and their cuttie-patootie son

This successful snow day was brought to you by friends that bring 4-wheelers...

... and beer.

Where's my Maternity Leave?

One of my best friends and I were talking a few days ago and I told her how tired I am right now. Exhausted. Run down. I need to sleep for 15 hours straight-tired. She related.. she remembers those adrenaline-filled, constant going, days of fostering. Especially the first few weeks.

She made a remark that really struck a chord with me.

"When you have a new baby that's born from your body, everyone EXPECTS you to cocoon... to hide out.. to be relieved of your regular duties. But when you add two foster kids to your home, with only an hours notice.. it's like everyone expects you to just go on with life as usual."

YES. This is exactly what my problem is.

Not only does it seem that's how the general population feels... but it's a pressure I've placed upon myself. To keep my house just as clean as before. To spend as much one on one time with my kids as before.To keep up with church duties. To have supper on the table by 5:30... even though my husband is never home on time.. but that's an entirely different post - just like before. I can tell by the lack of a cape that I am not Supermom.. so why am I trying to immulate her?

Because Foster Kids Lie

.. about everything. Even when it doesn't matter. And I knew this before, so why am I so stunned?

Our "big brother".. age 6... has begun the art of lying. Oh wow.. if there were awards given out for lying way too good to be so young, he'd be the winner or at least runner-up.

Lies range from "I didn't do it" to "I don't know" and "No I didn't, he's lying!"

Why hello, reality! I wondered when you'd show up!

I am SUPER thankful to have friends that have done all of this before. You know, the ones that you call, totally frustrated with no idea what to do, and they giggle. Yeah.. you read that correctly. Giggle. I think it's a mix of "Yep... now you see what I've dealt with all of this time," and "No biggie.. here's what you can do."

Thankfully, my best bud Brandy, over at Sugar and Spice has pretty much dealt with IT ALL with raising her crew and fostering several. She directed me to a WONDERFUL blog for anyone dealing with foster children, especially those with Reactive Attachment Disorder called Welcome to my Brain. I sat and watched like 10 of her videos the other day... priceless!

So, what I've learned so far from all of my buddies is this:

1. Never ask them "why." They don't know why.

2. Never ask them "did you." Because they'll lie. And you'll fight... and it gives them power.

What TO do:

1. State that you know what happened. Tell them what they did, and tell them why you don't appreciate it. Or, skip that step. They know you know.. move on. Typical discipline doesn't work. Time outs just make them feel pushed away, punishments feed their anger and resentment.

So - enter "restitution's."

Big Brother has learned that for each "wrong" he does to someone, he must make it right.

Example:

The other day I was painting one of our hallways. He watched me do it. We chatted happily the entire time. I turned my back to put the paint trays away and when I looked up he was running his finger down the wet wall. He saw me see him... he acted as if nothing had happened.

I WANTED to scream.. and yell.. and punish. I was furious. Especially after some incidences the previous day. Instead, I heard my friends' voices in my head and did what they recommended.

I said, "I know you just ran your finger across that wet wall. Now I have to repaint it, and that makes my night a lot harder. You can sit right here in this chair and think of something you can do to make my  night easier."

I said it in a nice voice - not firm, not harsh. Not the way I FELT like saying it. He was obedient... he sat for 10 minutes quietly. I asked, "Have you thought of something or do you need help?" He said he could think up something...

10 more minute passed. He finally came to me with his idea.

"I'll clean up the table after supper.. I know you don't like to do that job. And, I'll draw you a picture to say I'm sorry."

Wow... two restitution's! Good job, Buddy!

That was that. I never brought it up again.

This is just one incidence... we've had a few that I've handled wrongly, by asking if he did "it" or why he did "it." Let me tell you.. that DOES NOT WORK. This does work.

Today was his first day of school here - he is in Kindergarten. I am a bit nervous to see how he does... mainly because I have huge fear of not handling problems the right way with him and making things worse. This is a whole new ballgame. This is not like parenting your biological children... parenting an abused, neglected, traumatized child presents challenges like nothing I've ever experienced. Again, SO thankful to have friends that have been there and done that.. or are there, doing it now!

2011 is Going to Kick 2010's Butt

Seriously, it's 2011 tomorrow? That doesn't even sound like a real year. Welcome to the future.

As I made my rounds last night looking at all of our sleeping kids before I headed to bed, I had a moment of "wow." This year is going to be something else! I can't believe we've made it to this point... we're really doing this!

Having these two boys is sort of like having two infants. Things that I don't recall ever having to teach my children, I'm having to teach. I think the most exhausting part of fostering this pair is answering questions from the 6 year old that constantly remind me of where he's come from.

"Why do I have to brush my teeth every night AND every morning?"
"Wash my hands? Why? They're not even sticky!"
"I have to take another shower? Didn't I just have one yesterday?"
"So, Mr. Clayton goes to work every day except for weekends?"
"Why are you throwing that food away? We could just save it for later!" (crust of bread, orange peels, etc)

The boys are doing REALLY well. We had one day of some behavior issues with the oldest. It wasn't unexpected since it came on the heels of his first visit with Mom and Grandma. No kid is perfect... bio kids or otherwise. Yet, it seems that people want to know more about these kids' behavior than anyone ever dreamed to care to ask about my own kids'. The boys actually act better than a lot of kids I know that have been in "good" homes... we'll see if it lasts!

The toddler is finally learning basic things like how to sit in a high chair and shopping cart. Have you ever tried to bend a 19 month old into that position when they had no clue what you were trying to do? Getting them out.. that's even more fun! Taking a bath is finally enjoyable now, too. At first he didn't understand why he couldn't stand up. He still doesn't know how to tilt his head back when I wash his hair, so we do that very last right before I get him out. Oh the drama! ;)

They both LOVE to cuddle. Books before bed is their favorite time of day. Each of my kids (yes, all 5) get to pick out whatever book they want to read to me, or want read to them.

The little guy calls me "mama" and it sort of breaks my heart.

Our bio kids are doing great. Everyone is now used to each other, and everyone has their own place they like to go to get away if need be. Gosh I'm so glad we have this house for this reason!! I don't feel like it's taken anything away from them having the boys here, only for the first few days as we all got adjusted. Now, it's just life as we know it.


Outside playtime has never been so fun for my kids. If one sibling doesn't want to go out with you, then go ask someone else. It's awesome! One of the perks of having lots of little ones around to grow up with for sure!

Next on the agenda is to enroll Big Brother into school... he seems fine with the idea of going here. He's visited there once before when I took them all to Carter's Christmas party. I'm praying that he isn't too terribly behind, and that with some help at home he can catch up quickly.

We have a full van, an almost full house, and full hearts around here! I'm tired, yes. But also, more content than I think I've ever been in my life. It's amazing when you finally get to where God's been trying to lead you how he lets you "feel" that you've arrived. I'm a little terrified to see where he leads me next! 

And, We are Plus 2

So, we've gone from 3 kids to 5 kids. Yep, all of that stuff we went through is finally paying off.. we are officially foster parents!

Two weeks ago I got a call from a county several hours away asking if we could take in two boys, ages 6 and 1. I quickly called my husband, and then called her right back to say, "Sure!" A couple of hours later, two exhausted, filthy, scared, and sad boys showed up on our doorstep. Well, one was all of those... the other, the 1 year old, seemed as happy as he could be.

I had wondered how that moment would be ever since we first decided to become foster parents. I spent countless hours daydreaming about different scenarios and how I would react to each emotion children might show when they first came to our home. Nothing could prepare me for the reality.

I will not be disclosing much information about the boys and why they were taken. What I will say is there was a "neglect" issue. I will say that my heart was not prepared for seeing a truly neglected child in my home, and the pain I would feel for them. My heart was not prepared to watch a 6 year old walk into my home so dirty that he had to take a bath before I could put him to bed, at 11:00 at night. My heart was not ready for the pain in that 6 year old's heart. All I could do was sit and stroke his then clean hair as he cried into his pillow, asking when could he go home, and could his baby brother please sleep with him. The exhaustion from his 14 hour day with DHS took over very quickly, and within minutes he was sound asleep. As I walked out into the hallway to tend to his baby brother, I just burst into tears. There are pains that I cannot heal. The pain of "I want my mommy" is definitely on that list.

I headed to the living room to help Clayton with the little guy. He was sitting very contently, cuddling with his foster dad. He drank several cups of water, and definitely found it an odd experience to have his teeth brushed. A fresh diaper, a warm blanket, and a short lullaby sent him right into dream land. I layed him in the pack 'n' play that I had moved right beside his brother's bed, so that big brother could keep his eyes on him at all times.

To my amazement, they both slept soundly all night. It was nearly 10:00 the next morning before they started waking up. I was so worried about how the 6 year old would do that first day here. Would he cry all day? Would he be angry that he was with us? He came out of his room, smiling. He snuggled beside me on the couch, and was amazed at his breakfast plate. He ate heartily, and then suddenly stopped saying he was full, and he would just save the rest for his brother. After much reassurance that his brother already had a plate waiting, he quickly ate the rest of his food, and then asked for seconds.

That was two weeks ago... and today everyone has adjusted very well. They had their first visit with their mom and grandmother yesterday, and it went well. I was very surprised when the baby cried and held me tight when the grandmother reached for him... He cried as I walked away. I felt like I was abandoning him. I thought he would be thrilled to be with them! Poor little guy. What on earth must go through his baby brain about all of this? A tearful goodbye with mom and grandma one hour later, and many thank-you's from them to me about taking such good care of them and we were all back at the house. Shockingly, everyone walked in and just started playing as usual. As if nothing at all had happened. The 6 year old is happy that he gets to see them once each week. The baby doesn't seem to care at all.

Part of me really wants to hate their family. From the stories I'm being told by the 6-year-old, and the case file on them... as a mother.. it's hard to sympathize with their mom. The bigger part of me hurts too much for her. Her black eye said it all when I first saw her. Her obvious shame when she saw me, in my nice clothes, with my beautiful children (hers included), in my van, having all of the things she needs to get her children back, but probably feels she can never obtain, breaks my heart.

The baby says please, thank you, and many other words. He gives kisses, hugs, and is so sweet. The 6 year old cries for his mom from time to time... it is obvious that she loves them. I know that love. And, I know it's by God's grace alone that our lives are not swapped. How easily it could be me, or anyone. As I sit and watch the baby play pat-a-cake, I know that I did not teach that to him. As he lifts his stuffed giraffe to kiss me on the cheek, I know that I did not teach him that. As he cuddles deeply into my chest, I know that someone has shown him how nice being held is. It wasn't me. It was her. And I pray for her everyday that God will grant her strength, courage, and the ability to do what she needs to do to get her babies back.

As I take pictures of them reading, riding bikes, and drawing pictures... I think of how incredibly heartbroken... heart sick.. I would be if I were her. I wonder if she worries for them as I would if my children were living with a strange family, in a strange town. I hope so. And I hope it motivates her to get her life in order for them.

Fostering is not what I pictured. It isn't as hard as I imagined work-wise... at least not so far. Adding two children to the mix hasn't been that much more work. We've gone to church, grocery shopped, and had people over - God is granting much patience and strength I suppose. Emotionally, it is hard. I worry about the boys a lot. I worry about their family. Then, I remind myself that God loves them so much more than I do, and he is taking care of them. That's why he made sure they were placed here - he knew it would be a great fit. So I just must put my trust in him... and hand their lives over to him. I'm doing all I can on my end... what else can you do, right?

The New House

Hello Blog-World! We finally have internet, and are getting kind of settled. As settled as you can get while you are still painting and making plans for more and more painting. I have tons of family and friends that live away and are constantly asking me to put up some pics - so here's what we've got going so far. I didn't clean before taking these... we put up the Christmas tree tonight, so whatever... overlook any mess if I captured it.

Here are some before and after pics:

BEFORE: Originally names "The Skeleton Room" due to blood red walls and what is probably supposed to be zebra print but looks like spines to me.



seriously... tell me that isn't a skeleton spine



Looks like a crime scene





Oh look! More skeleton details!



After: Now the boys' room



Okay, bad picture... but both boys' beds fit very easily in here and they still have a lot of floor space! Awesome! Better yet, no more remnants of the bleeding walls from Amityville Horror!

BEFORE: Known as "The Creepy Hand-Print Room" by all that entered. Dark brown walls, blue handprints EVERYWHERE. For the record, the hands were bigger than mine... not cute.

AFTER: For now, this is Madison's room. In the future, it will likely be a nursery/toddler/small child room for foster children. It's the closest to the Master bedroom. I'm still working on the other bedroom.. which I'll show you in a bit. Nothing fancy at the moment but it is no longer dungeon brown with handprints.

BEFORE: Known as the ugliest of the 3 bathrooms.. original to the house pink tile, hot pink cabinets, and dark, dark, DARK brown paint EVERYWHERE else. Even the face plates for all of the outlets and switches were hot pink.



But nothing made me say "Oh Lawd" like this. Oh. No. They. Didn't.

AFTER - pink tile still there... but cabinets now white, and walls lighter. Major gutting of this bathroom will occur in the future. Standby for more pics after that...

BEFORE: Super ugly black, peeling, gross paint in kitchen. And this is just one section. Yikes.



AFTER: So far just paint... paint is a beautiful thing.

BEFORE: Nothing majorly wrong with this... this is our 'sitting' area.. meaning totally wasted space that I have big plans for in the future. It was just very "blah."

AFTER: New paint, trim is now white, instead of that yellow-toned "egg-shell", and the black trim is gone from the dining room. (the crown molding in the dining room was also black.. dear God.. why oh why?)

BEFORE: Living room. With the blah color on the walls that ugly fireplace really stood out. Again with the black? To each their own!

AFTER: New paint, and that's it! Everyone thinks we've done "something" to make the fireplace look better.. but nope. We will be doing "something" to make it look better, but hey, I'm STILL painting, okay!

IN PROGRESS



This is the "extra" room that I've just finished the first coat of paint - it was the darkest brown known to man... lightening it is quite the process. I am thankful it has no carpet right now!! It's easier to paint when you don't have to use drop cloths!







This is the playroom... love the desks, love the storage... but it needs a lot of beautification. It makes me feel like the kids did in The Cat in the Hat. "This mess is so big and so deep and so tall! We cannot clean it up, there is no way at all!" (or something like that.. I don't know where that book is. In a box somewhere..)

There are two other bathrooms that we've not done a thing to, but they don't even come close to comparing to the, umm... creativeness of the one I pictured. The office as well, but we just painted it, and it wasn't quite a disaster either. The sunroom... love it, but not much to speak of right now. A big room, concrete floors, TONS OF WINDOWS. It will be one fine room one day!

I do LOVE my new house. I LOVE my neighborhood. I LOVE the nature trails out my backdoor and the woods and the sand and that kids ride their bikes around. That people walk their dogs. That there are SUPER nice lamp-posts up and down the street... that there is no thru-traffic at our house b/c we're the last cul da sac. I could go on and on... I am so thankful! I really pray that this house is a major blessing to MANY.

Houses and Renters and Jobs.. Oh My!

Dorothy thought lions and tigers and bears were horrifying... but that's because she never had to buy a new house, while already being a home owner.

Selling our current home isn't looking likely, wrong time of year, not enough time for us to wait. So, we think we've found the ideal renter. If all works out by the end of today, we'll be good to go on that. It is really scary to think of us owning two houses at the same time, but sometimes you've just got to put on your big girl panties and do what you've gotta do.

Renting our house will allow us to move into our new house.. here is the pic I snagged off of the real estate website. Not a great angle.. but if you can pretend that you have Superman vision and look through the tree, then you can have a good idea of what the new casa looks like.

On top of a new renter and a new house... I'm also preparing for *another* new job. I know, I know... I just can't stop, right? This one is super cool, though. AT MOST I can only work 8 days a month, which rocks. And, the work is fast-paced, exciting, and fairly familiar. Dispatching at the police department.

Now, when I was first approached about becoming a fill-in for the PD, I literally laughed... out loud. I also immediately said, "NO!"

Most of America can't appreciate this job... it's the unseen job. The voice behind the cops, the firemen, the ambulance, the wrecker... and in our city it's ONE voice. One person sitting in what's referred to as "the hot seat" waiting for the 911 phone to ring, waiting for a wreck to happen, waiting to tell pretty much everyone that needs to go somewhere quickly, exactly where to go. Yeah.. no pressure at all, right? Hence why my initial responce was to say "No way, Jose! Ain't gonna happen!"

I finally agreed to just go sit in and watch for most of a shift.. and what-do-ya-know... I was hooked.

I sat in for two shifts before I felt comfortable enough to even try to answer the regular PD phone. Three before I would answer the 911 phone and talk on the radio. Last night my great "teacher" Tricia basically forced me to sit in what I deem as her seat, and do all of the work. I was so scared! Thankfully she guided me through every step at first and then slowly walked away and let me handle it. I did okay - but wow, there is so much to learn!

Speaking in 10-codes is basically like learning a new language. I feel like I'm stuck on a small island and everyone speaks Polish except for me - and they're all looking at me waiting for instructions in THEIR language. Slowly but surely. Very thankful that I know 90% of the cops already from hubby because I think our friendship helps them not get uptight if it takes me 3 hours to look up and call back the requested driver's license number they called to me. So, I'm exaggerating, but seriously, this stuff is hard! I do love a challenge, though!

In between all of the hub-bub our kids are doing awesome, and we should soon be open for foster care. I'm pushing to get Emily with us as a foster placement due to her not doing so well where she is right now. Looks promising - so we'll keep our fingers crossed on that one. 

Life is going along swimmingly! God is showing off like crazy, which is always cool. Just when I start to freak out about something, he just comes to my rescue. He's definitely the most amazing knight in shining armor!

Don't Fret - I am Alive

I had to laugh at some of the recent emails I've gotten from my blog friends that never see me in real life.

"Are you okay? Are you alive? Where are you?!"

Yes, Yes, and I'm here.

With the kids starting school, and me hitting my writing job hard, I just have little time or brain power left for blogging. When you write for a living.. it can make it very tough to write just for enjoyment.

I figured it would be appropriate to start back after my bloggy break to let everyone know the crazy stuff that's been going on for us lately.

1. Foster Care Stuff - we found out yesterday that the much awaited finger prints are now sitting at the DHS office in Little Rock. Apparently they've been there for two weeks. Just sitting. That's all we're waiting for.. and they're just sitting around collecting dust. Apparently getting foster homes approved are not a top priority to everyone in DHS.

2. House Stuff - Our house is for sale, and we have someone trying to buy it right now! This totally rocks because we've decided to forego building for now, b/c a great house is on the market that we'd like to buy. If this works out we'll be moving from our 1513sqft, 3 bedrooms, 1 bathroom home into a 3,000 sqft, 5 (or 6) bedroom, 3 bathroom home. Yes.. I know. That's quite a drastic difference.

When I first saw this house I just thought, "This is EXACTLY what we need to foster children. EXACTLY." Great neighborhood, in town, big lot (almost an acre), and BIG SPACE. It's a definite fixer-upper... which I'm hoping scares everyone else away. As long as the major things turn out okay, I can live with ugly. We can remodel a little at a time... I don't need to be glamorous. I just want to make sure that we're able to say "yes" to fostering if we feel led to, and aren't limited by bedrooms and square footage. If we say 'no' I want it to be b/c we don't feel led at that time... not because we can't.

Everything else is pretty much life as usual. Proud of my kids and how well school is going for them, enjoying work and still shocked that I got hired for this gig, and I'm really excited about everything God is doing right now. If our house sells this fast (it's only been for sale for like 2 weeks) then it will no doubt point directly to God. I've basically thrown my hands in the air with this... "God, if you want us to have that other house, then you make it happen. I can't handle stressing about this right now!" We'll see where he directs our path.

Dancing Queen

Well.. maybe not, but I'm trying my best every Monday night. Several of my girlfriends meet up to do Zumba together 5 days a week. I can only get there on Monday night usually, but it's a blast!

If you don't know what Zumba is, it's basically a latin dance-based workout. OMG. It's hard. It's also really fun! (minus the older guy that leads the class.. he's fairly creepy.. and when he speaks in Spanish he uses a really low voice that makes me think he probably used to be a star in a Latin soap opera.)

Can I just say that latin women must be freaks of nature with the way they can shake their hips. It just isn't natural. My non-latin heritage shows.

Since it's Wednesday, I braved the scale this morning. I was 133 last week... and... 132 today! Another pound dropped. I'm really excited, but man.. I'm working so hard! The other day a friend said, "Hey! You look great!" and I said thanks, but was really wishing she'd have said, "Hey! You look so hungry!" Because I am. It's so much more enjoyable to eat all you want and be as full as you want. I keep reminding myself to eat to live, and not live to eat. I'm doing my body a major service by feeding it properly instead of feeding its never-ending hunger with trash.

The water drinking is better, but still isn't where it should be. *sigh* I'll get there.

Finally, pants are starting to fit better again! That's what helps me keep pushing through. I used to live like this and it was easy... it's amazing how a few months of letting it all go can really make it hard to go back to what used to be normal.

Hope you're working towards some healthier goals this week, too!

Updates All Around

I sat and tried to think of something clever, witty, or interesting to blog about this morning... but my brain refused to cooperate. Sorry. Here's a few updates on all that's going on around here right now.

1. Foster Care

Nothing. Grrrr. We are still waiting for finger prints to come back. One would think that my husband's job as a Trooper would indicate to the powers that be that we are, in fact, not felons - but what do I know? I keep hearing from friends that do foster care about the calls they're getting, the kids they're seeing, and I'm becoming increasingly frustrated. Arkansas is probably one of the last states on the planet to deal with actual paper work. If things were done via computers.. I have no doubt this would've been done much, much faster.

2. School

With all of my heartache over sending the kids to school this year, I am happy to report that they are loving it! They don't miss their mommy... they don't want to be home. I know because I asked...

Madison is in 4th grade and she now gets to change classes for Math and Science. Carter is in 1st and he is in love with his teacher. We've known her for a few years so it made going back to school exciting for him. She's a first year teacher and she seems to be very full of energy and ideas! She has young children herself, and it shows with how well she deals with her class. I couldn't be more pleased!

Even Samuel is going to school this year. My best friend is a certified teacher and she opened her own little preschool in her home. Super small class size which I love, and Samuel loves her! He only goes 3 mornings a week, until noon. He's never ready to leave - and he's mad at me when I don't take him on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Humph. "But I want to go to school, Mommy! I love Mrs. Kim's school!" 

I made the comment the other day that the only person in this house that wants to home school is me.

3. Other

It just seems like life is doing nothing new.. yet changing very quickly right now. This leaves me with a feeling of excitement, and distress. I feel like I have no idea what will be waiting around each corner. Will we get a call today about taking a child? Will we make plans to move soon? So much big stuff, for nothing to be really happening.

Life is busy but good right now. I can't complain! I hope life is being good you to all, too!

Wednesday Weight Check

The health kick continues! This past week I took the kids to the grocery store and we nearly cleaned out the produce department. After watching Oprah's episode devoted to Food Inc. and other healthy eating books, I realized that I've really got to be more deliberate about what I feed not just my kids, but myself.

We filled our cart with 100% whole wheat products (bread, crackers, flat bread, etc) along with healthier cereals (no Marshmallow sugar puffs allowed) and, as I said, tons of fruits and veggies.

When I got home from the store I began the dreaded process of putting things away. This time, however, I took Rachel Ray's advice and cleaned, cut, and stored my fruits and veggies so that they would be easy snack options. Like so:

fruit bowl - everything washed and ready to grab

small portion of the fruits and veggies that I washed, cut up into snack sized pieces, and stored in tupperware. (stick a papertowel under everything to keep them fresh and avoid sogginess.)

Lunch for ALL of us - celery sticks, strawberries, healthy trail mix (sunflower seeds, pumpkin seeds, raisins, cashews, almonds) and the only unhelathy thing - cheese crackers per kids' request.

So, the health kick is going great. I'm really feeling a lot better! The kids have better behavior.. which is an amazing side effect of proper nutrition. (hear that schools?!) My energy is up, which is great because of the exercise routine I'm doing. Running some nights, Zumba with the girls one or two nights a week, power yoga, weight training... just to name a few.

I weighed myself this morning - the last time I weighed I was 135 pounds. That was about 2.5 weeks ago. This morning.... 133! Down two more pounds! Woot!

My biggest struggle has been drinking enough water. I'm really having to be deliberate about it. I'm thinking of sticking several prefilled water bottles (not the disposable bottles.. but the reusable kind) in the fridge and making sure I drink them each before the end of the day. Anyone have any tricks they use to make sure they drink enough water throughout the day?

Another Year - Another Round of Uncertainty

Each new school year brings a huge mixture of emotions in this house. The kids are anxious and excited - they're ready to see their friends again, ready to meet their teachers, and ready to get back to that familiar routine. I, on the other hand, am constantly combating feelings of uncertainty. There is always an uneasiness that takes over.

"Is this what's right for us?"

My kids have always gone to public schools. At age 4 they start the awesome Pre-K program we have and the they continue on year after year. I have to say, we've had great experiences. Amazing teachers, great friends made, fun activities, no getting into trouble, getting left behind, or anything like that. The kids enjoy school - especially Carter. There are no tears when it's time to go, no one whines to stay home. They really, honestly, enjoy it.

So, where does this feeling in my gut come from? Why do I always wonder "should I look into bringing them home?"

I called a good friend of mine, that's done home schooling and public schooling, and has settled on home schooling this year, to talk out my issues. I was amazed when she said, "I never know what's right either... I question myself just like you do."

Wow.. really?! I assumed that if you made the choice to home school, you'd feel sure about it. But, I'm finding more and more moms that honestly say, "I really don't know if this is best for them... or best for me. It's just the decision we made."

What's a mom to do?

For me, there's no question my kids are starting school this Thursday. We'll see how the year goes. I really feel like we're just taking it a day at a time, a month at a time, a year at a time. Maybe they'll start, love it, and I'll love it, too. Maybe this will be the year that doesn't go so well... and things change around here. I don't know - but it feels awful to question such a big decision.

Is anyone else on the fence about public school vs. home schooling - even though you've had children in school for years? (my oldest is going to 4th.) I know it's the socially acceptable way to do it... kids just go to school... but I can't help but step back and wonder if MY kids are getting the best they can from school, or if they'd get more from home. Could I teach them as well as their teachers have? Would I turn them into the stereo-typical "weird home schooled kids"? (please don't think I think home schooled kids are weird.. I know a whole herd of them and they are NOT. But, you know how people think..) I honestly don't know the answer to these questions.

Mommy Rehab Monday

Ready to let go of some guilt today? Oh, come on.. you've got 6 other days of the week to tell yourself, and everyone else, all of the stuff you do wrong - let's use today for the exact opposite! Find one good mommy moment, share it on your blog, and then link up with B in Real Life to join in on the fun!



Hello, my name is Mandy, and I'm a Mommy Guilt-Oholic. But, here's a good mommy moment - in my quest to cure this icky-feeling syndrome.

This weekend I left my kids with my mom and ran laughing went off into the sunset with my husband for an adults only mini-vacation.

We met up with two other couples (the men-folk are detectives like husband - so they work together and we've known them for-evah) and headed to the hills and the lake! We spent two nights and three days boating, eating out, laughing until we cried, dancing and singing karaoke at the VFW (yes... really.), and RELAXING. No one asked me to cut up their food, no one demanded breakfast at 6:30am, and no one broke out into fights 5 times a day that required me to lose my mind and send everyone to their separate  corners. Bliss! **and of course I forgot my camera.. so I don't have a single picture!!**

How does this weave into this "good mommy moment" stuff? Well... getting away WITHOUT the kids helped me miss them.. as in the first night we went to bed I was already wondering how on earth I'd stay away ANOTHER night. (it was the first time we've ever left them for two nights.) I was so ready to get back to them Sunday, and was ready to handle the trials that just happen to go along with having kids. That get-away turned me into a great mommy! And, it gave husband and I some much needed "us" time, and what's more important than providing a stable and HAPPY marriage for your children? The kids are already asking when we'll go away again so they can stay, without us, at Nana's house. Win-win situation if you ask me!

What's your good mommy moment? Go link up and support some other recovering guilt-oholics!