In Dreams

I hesitated to post this because I'm not sure of what the reaction will be. Let's start by saying I'm not a psychic, I don't "see dead people," or anything of that nature. I've simply always found that my dreams are powerful. I've always joked that my brain is so hyper-active during my waking hours that God knows his only shot of reaching me is when I'm held hostage at night.

Not quite 3 months ago my dad passed away. The day he died, before I knew what was going on, I had a knot in my stomach the entire morning. I had an overwhelming feeling of anxiousness, of being trapped, of being uneasy. It became worse as the hours passed so I had to escape my house. I loaded the kids up and we went to Walmart just to go somewhere. After Walmart I still had this horrible nagging feeling, so we went to a flooring store here in town to price check some things I had been wondering about.

On the drive home I was nearly in tears. "Is this PMS or what?!" No... couldn't be.

No sooner had I gotten home, unloaded the kids from the van, and sat a few sacks on the kitchen table when I got the first phone call from my sister.

"The ambulance is at Dad's house and they're trying to revive him...." I could barely understand her through her crying and breathlessness, but I knew right away he was gone. I had no glimmer of hope that they would save him. I had no idea what had happened to his body, but I knew that his spirit was not in it. It's like everything came full circle.. I think I even told her within the first few minutes, "I should have known this was coming."

I had this very same occurance the day my Aunt died, who was so much more than an aunt to me. She was my other mom.

It was like God was trying to prepare me for what was to come. Like he knew me so well that he knew I couldn't handle having a fabulous day only to have it come to such a life-changing end. I don't deal well with sudden change...

When we got home from the hospital and from dad's house on the night he died, where I saw his face for one of the last precious times and touched his lifeless hands to try to hold on to what I had left, I hit my knees and begged God to let me see him again. I knew Dad was in heaven, I know I'll be there one day, but the wait from now until then is overwhelming. I screamed at God that I could NOT not see my dad again while I'm on earth. "PLEASE let him come to me when I'm asleep. PLEASE let me hug him. PLEASE let me speak to him... PLEASE!!"

Fast forward two months later. I had felt so upset that in the entire two months since Dad's passing that I'd not had one single dream of him. Not a dream that replayed a scene from our life together, not a dream where I felt that he was trying to see me in present day.. nothing. It seemed others around me were dreaming of him.. why not me? I continued to beg God for that experience. I told him I didn't just want a random dream about my dad.. I wanted him to let my dad actually come to see me. And I prayed I'd remember the dream vividly.

Finally, it happened.

My first dream was so real, and so odd. Clayton, the kids, and I were walking into my grandfather's house in DeWitt. I had a dish of some kind in my hands and my Aunt met us at the door. She had a sympathetic look on her face b/c this was the first time we'd been together since the funeral. I saw my stepmom at the table, her sons, and all of the family. Then, as I walked closer, beside my stepmom was my dad! I nearly dropped my dish! I ran over to him, grabbed his neck, smelled his scent, and said,

"Dad!! You're here! You came! You're really here!!!" I rambled off many "I love you's" and "I miss you so much"... it was as if no one else could see what was happening but he and I. I remember feeling his bearded face against my cheek and saying, "Oh, you're so warm!" Dad simply grabbed my shoulders, pushed me back so he could see me eye to eye and said, in responce to my "You're really here!"

"I am really here."

With that I woke up. I immediately prayed and thanked God for letting my dad come see me. I cried, and I sobbed. I still felt his embrace, I still smelled his scent, I still heard his voice.

Fast forward a few weeks later to last night. My second dream.

We were sitting in a car of some kind. I, again, was so happy to see him that I just wanted to crawl into his lap and never let go. However, this time it was like I was really awake and in control of the conversation. I asked questions, and he answered. It was an amazing experience.

me: "Is heaven really amazing?"

Dad: "Oh... yes.." (with a sincere nod)

me: "Do you miss anything about being alive?"

Dad: "No."

me: "NOTHING?!" (almost angry with him)

Dad: "No, nothing."

me: "You don't even miss ME?!!!" (hurt and angry)

Dad: "I don't miss you because I AM with you."

me: "Well, I miss you..."

Dad: "That's because you can't see that I'm still with you..."

me: "How's Beth doing right now?"  (my stepmom)

Dad: (chuckles) "I don't know.. I'm here with you right now!" (grins that grin...)

me: (rolls my eyes and smiles)

After that we just sat together. Then I woke up.

I can't describe the peace it gives me to see my dad in dreams. I can't tell you how many times I thanked God this morning for allowing it.

I know dreams aren't powerful for everyone, and this is why I hesitantly post this today. I honestly can't handle anyone saying "it's just a dream" because, well, I know it wasn't. In fact, both times I told Clayton, "Dad came to see me last night.." because that was just the truth.

I believe my constant prayers, crying out to God to have mercy on me and let me see my Dad while I'm still here, were answered. I pray they will continue to be answered.

I find it a bit funny that if I could have designed a dream it would probably be my dad grabbing and hugging me and telling me how much he misses me. Yet, in these dreams he's trying to make sure I KNOW he doesn't really. He's happy, he's around, and things are great. When you're with Jesus... why would you long for ANYTHING or ANYONE that you left on earth? I wonder if Dad's annoyed that I keep begging for him to come back to visit... I mean, I wouldn't want to leave paradise for even a moment. I'm thankful that it was arranged, though. And, for my own selfish reasons, I will continue to pray for more moments with my Dad... because even though our moments on earth were many, they were too few. There's never enough time with the ones we love. And any time I can grasp onto, I will.