Ready for school!

Clothes bought..check. Backpack bought...check. All supplies bought.. check. We are officially ready for school!! My mom, sister, and I lived it up at Park Plaza and bought Madison's school clothes. (oh how I LOVE Gymboree!) I even found the most adorable dance outfits.. I got ballet shoes at Toys R Us.. but am yet to find tap shoes in her size!! I am going to look in Pine Bluff tomorrow.. and last resort, I'll order them online. I really need to try them on her though! The ballet shoes I got her were a size 1... as in all the way past little girl sizes. All of her other shoes are now a size 11... so that's a huge difference. New tennis shoes are also on my list of 'needed items' but I am pretty sure I can find those. Ahh... a sigh of relief!

Now... a sigh of dread! I am going to go ahead and take a pg test in the morning. Mainly because I think it's always good to start your day with huge disappointment.. it makes everything else happening around you seem like no big deal. Really though, I just want to prepare myself for what's about to happen. My ob/gyn's office called... my nurse to be exact.. and we talked about what should be happening if we didn't get it this month. They highly encouraged me to call them when the hag shows so they can start infertility workup. They said it.. the big "I" word.. infertility. I nearly burst into tears just hearing it.. the reality of that is so scary. I have such mixed feelings on doing any treatments. On one hand I feel like putting this in my doctor's hands is like taking it out of God's and saying "I don't trust you to help me so I'm going here.." On the other hand I feel that if God doesn't intend for me to be pg nothing will get me that way. And... I'm not the type to let one of my children die of a disease b/c I think taking them to the doctor for medical help is telling God I don't trust him... I don't know. It's just such an unknown world to me. I mean.. how many people actually know someone that REALLY needed medical help to get pg? I only know one person first hand. She did end up getting pg but after a long hard journey. Am I willing to go through what she did? Is Clayton? I don't know. I guess we'll just take things one step at a time. Talk to the doctor in depth about everything.. and pray pray pray for guidance and strength. I'm afraid to go for that fist observatory ultrasound and hear what they'll say about the condition of my ovaries. It shouldn't be surprising to me because of my pain level.. but I guess hearing any news 'for certain' can be hard hitting. Am I rambling? I'm sorry. I haven't talked a ton about this. It's hard for me to talk about it outloud. I get too upset and I hate feeling that way. So, be warned that this blog might not be a fun and pleasant place at times throughout the next month or so. I have no idea what will be going on. I do know that I'll get through it though.. and something will be gained.. because I refuse to beleive that God is allowing me to walk through this for no reason at all. I know there is a reason.. and it makes me wish that God would just cut me some slack right about now!