It happened

No.. not the great thing I wanted to happen... the other thing happened. My friend "old hag" showed up this evening. Lovely! I'm not too bummed out.. I was expecting it. I do find it hard to believe that we are now entering Month #5... but maybe this will be THE month. I do plan to call my wonderful Dr. and talk to him... or at least my nurse there.. and maybe get some reassurance, encouragement, or SOMETHING that will put me on a better path.

I was flipping through the bajillion channels we have after I put the kids to bed tonight (clayton's working tonight.. the 5pm-2am shift.. which never ends at 2am) and found Joel Osteen's program on. For those of you who shamefully do not know Joel Osteen, he is an AMAZING preacher that preaches at Lakewood Church in Texas. It was a 'God moment' as I like to call it. One of those moments that you know God led you to that show, that page, that person... whatever it is. I haven't had a real God moment in a while.. but tonight, he knew I needed it even if I was too proud to ask for it. Joel was talking all about life's disappointments, and how even when things don't seem to be going our way, or our prayers seem to go unanswered, we have to know that God has us in the palm of his hand and he is in total control. Now, I know this already.. but the examples he used, the verses he read, it all just was perfect for me tonight. Had I seen this program 2 nights ago, it would not have impacted me the same way, and God knew that. Just as God knows the perfect time for us to get our next child. It is SO hard to wait on him... even with knowing his plan is PERFECT I sometimes still think I know what's best for me. When you want something so much... patiently waiting for God to give it to you... or not.. can be draining if you're unable to get yourself in the right mind set. I'm tired of being sad and angry over not being pregnant. That's not me! I am NOT a crazy person that pouts when she doesn't get her way. I'll have hard times to come with this I'm sure.. but so far tonight, I'm doing a ton better than I normally do once my evil friend shows up. I just shed a few tears this time, I didn't lay on the bed and actually cry. I played with the kids tonight, I didn't feel frustrated with their every action. I talked to my sister about the great vacation she just had, and only mentioned not being pg when she asked and refused to let her do the "oh I'm so sorry" speech. I'll get pg.. I have faith. So, I am going to try to just look forward to that day with joy in my heart.