The 'Darla' (fish) story

For Suzy: The story of how our Beta fish "Darla" tried to kill clayton.

We kept our beloved Darla, who we owned for well over a year before he (yes, a boy fish named Darla.. hey, Madison was only 2ish when we got him!) met his fate. We originally kept him on the kitchen bar so we could all see him up close.. but after madison kept climbing onto the counter to 'play' with him, we had to move him for his safety. The top of the fridge became his new home. He seemed to enjoy it up there.. he had a great view into the living room and could watch our ever move up there. One day Clayton opened the freezer to grab some ice... and CRASH! Darla jumped off of the top of the fridge and nearly knocked clayton in the head with his huge fish bowl full of water. Okay, so really the bowl somehow got scooted too close to the edge and when the freezer door opened, it fell... but if that would've hit clayton on the head, like it really almost did, I know we'd have been in the ER! (or worse, it was very heavy!) Poor Darla got hurt.. we put him in a smaller bowl and tried to nurse him back to health... but after a day or two he was a goner. It was quite sad.. I never thought I'd get attatched to a fish, but Darla will forever hold a place in my heart. To be honest, Clayton talks about him still.. and madison remembers him too. So, that's the Darla story! Now onto more important blogg topics!

Does anyone else wake up EVERY morning totally exhausted, vowing to go to bed 'early' that night? Yep.. that's me. Each morning the alarm goes off and I lay there thinking, "Oh it would be awesome to get another hour or two! I'm going to bed early tonight!" Then, as soon as the kids are in bed, I get a rush of energy. Don't get me wrong.. I'm tired.. I'm sleepy.. but I do not want to go to bed. I'd rather watch what I want to watch on tv, read a book, get online, or even clean a little. I guess this is my "me" time. It's worth being tired for. Clayton's out tonight as usual too, the 5pm-2am shift. He's got to go to work at 1pm tomorrow so it'll be great to have him on on a SATURDAY night at 10pm! Assuming nothing crazy happen and he's actually home on time.. I can't wait for that! It's the small things in life, like getting to actually go to be WITH my husband that make me happy. :)

I spent a great but crazy evening with Suzy P. tonight. I swear, MY kids were insane. One or both of them seemed to be whining or crying most of the time. I know, they're tired, it's Friday night, they've had a long week, but dang it, I just wanted to have a conversation. I still had a really good time.. it's always nice not to be home alone all night. Carter was snoozing in the car when we got home and I put him right to bed. I wonder how long he'll stay there tonight before he comes to get into bed with me. I really like him in there with me when Clayton's not home!

Do you guys ever watch that show on TLC (or BBC) What Not to Wear? It is my favorite Friday night thing to do... it's funny, it's so not serious, and it puts nothing but silly thoughts into my head. And lots of thoughts like "oh no.. I have pants JUST like the ones they're dogging on.." But hey.. if someone would hand me 5 grand to go shopping with for ME.. I'd be stylin too!

Okay, I really should try to get into bed. I'm tired.. and morning is gonna be here before I know it!

Called Doctor

I called my ob/gyn's office today to talk to the nurse and get some reassurance.. instead I got set up for an appt! I'm a little shocked but happy that they are so proactive and don't expect me to continue to try for months on end before they'll see me. She said my ovulation pains worry her and I needed to get checked out. So.. we'll see where this leads! Man, I am praying those cysts are not as bad as they were before my surgery... i'm not sure what the road to take will be if they are. But, it is nice to know that I'm on my way to knowing more than I know now. April 14th is the scheduled appt... not too far away.

Today was Madison's first day back to school after spring break. Man I missed her. I was so sad getting her ready this morning. She has a blast at school and told me when I picked her up that she can't wait to go again tomorrow. I'm glad she loves school so much. She has great friends and a wonderful teacher. She is very sad that Mrs. Jane won't be her teacher next year when she is in Kindergarten. She keeps asking me "Will Mrs. Jane be there?" And I have to keep telling her, "No." "But I love Mrs. Jane!" "I know you do, I'm sorry... you'll have a nice teacher in Kindergarten I'm sure." I'm sure she'll do just fine... but I know she's already a little stressed about going to a new school with new kids and a new teacher. That building is HUGE... maybe it's me with the bigger problem...

A shout out?

So, if you are lurking around on my blogg would you give me a hollar on the comments and let me know? Sometimes I feel I'm posting in vain so give me some insight! :)

We had a great day today. Went to visit friends and their 7 weeks old little boy.. I got to hold him and he was so darn sweet. He was grunting, rooting, fussing, and sleeping. I even got a few smiles. :) Strange how a teeny tiny squirmy bald creature can make such huge feelings come up in your soul. I didn't even feel sad b/c I don't have a teeny tiny bald creature of my own right now.. just so happy to be in his presence. That's how I plan to stay throughout this adventure. Kicking the Devil outta my head.. my brain's mushy enough after 2 kids, I don't need him in there screwing around.

So, did you know that Wal-Mart can be a really fun place to go with your kids if you take a girlfriend along with you? Leslie went along with the kids and me tonight on a big grocery adventure and it was a blast. The kids acted fine (though there was a slight fit from Carter b/c he wanted a sucker at the checkout line and mamma said, "no.") It's always great to get out and be with friends. If I can't hang out with my husband on a Saturday night, it's good to know that I can generally find a friend to pal around with instead. Speaking of my husband.. poor thing. He worked 5pm-4am last night.. and he had to get up at 10am this morning so we could go visit our friends, then we got home at 5pm and he immediately grabbed his radio out of his car to "check 10-8" (meaning he's at work as soon as he tells the Warren Operator he's 10-8) he rushed in and got dressed and was off to work again. Who knows how late he'll be out tonight.. being the last weekend of spring break and all. When I talked to him around 7:30pm and told him I was on my way to Wal-Mart he sounded so concerned and said "please be careful, there are so many drunks out tonight!" Well, we made it there and back safely, so praise be to God for that! So, just praying my 'Blue Knight' gets home safe and sound as well.

It happened

No.. not the great thing I wanted to happen... the other thing happened. My friend "old hag" showed up this evening. Lovely! I'm not too bummed out.. I was expecting it. I do find it hard to believe that we are now entering Month #5... but maybe this will be THE month. I do plan to call my wonderful Dr. and talk to him... or at least my nurse there.. and maybe get some reassurance, encouragement, or SOMETHING that will put me on a better path.

I was flipping through the bajillion channels we have after I put the kids to bed tonight (clayton's working tonight.. the 5pm-2am shift.. which never ends at 2am) and found Joel Osteen's program on. For those of you who shamefully do not know Joel Osteen, he is an AMAZING preacher that preaches at Lakewood Church in Texas. It was a 'God moment' as I like to call it. One of those moments that you know God led you to that show, that page, that person... whatever it is. I haven't had a real God moment in a while.. but tonight, he knew I needed it even if I was too proud to ask for it. Joel was talking all about life's disappointments, and how even when things don't seem to be going our way, or our prayers seem to go unanswered, we have to know that God has us in the palm of his hand and he is in total control. Now, I know this already.. but the examples he used, the verses he read, it all just was perfect for me tonight. Had I seen this program 2 nights ago, it would not have impacted me the same way, and God knew that. Just as God knows the perfect time for us to get our next child. It is SO hard to wait on him... even with knowing his plan is PERFECT I sometimes still think I know what's best for me. When you want something so much... patiently waiting for God to give it to you... or not.. can be draining if you're unable to get yourself in the right mind set. I'm tired of being sad and angry over not being pregnant. That's not me! I am NOT a crazy person that pouts when she doesn't get her way. I'll have hard times to come with this I'm sure.. but so far tonight, I'm doing a ton better than I normally do once my evil friend shows up. I just shed a few tears this time, I didn't lay on the bed and actually cry. I played with the kids tonight, I didn't feel frustrated with their every action. I talked to my sister about the great vacation she just had, and only mentioned not being pg when she asked and refused to let her do the "oh I'm so sorry" speech. I'll get pg.. I have faith. So, I am going to try to just look forward to that day with joy in my heart.

Great night

Last night was the most fun night I've had in a very long time. Clayton, the kids, and I went to visit the Parkers and it was A BLAST. I actually felt like I'd been swimming or running when we left because I was physically exhausted from all of the laughing we did! Parker family, you guys have no idea what you mean to us! Especially me during this way hard time I'm going through... especially right now at the end of another cycle for me. It felt so good to think of absolutely nothing of importance and just giggle and laugh about the most random topics. Today should be a great day as well. I have a friend coming over with her little girl that's Madison's age so we can chit chat while the kids play. Tomorrow I'm going to White Hall to visit a friend that I've known since I started school and we've been friends since. She has a baby boy (10 months) and they just bought a house so I'm off to see them all. I am so thankful for all that I have. I know that once my evil friend "the old hag" as I call her, shows up I'll be upset and sad, but today I'm just going to not think about it and enjoy the joys I do have. My kids have been great the past few days, even with being cooped up because of the rain, and I have the best husband, and awesome friends.. what more can you ask for?! A third child will just be the icing on the cake... life is great and for today, I'm just going to think about THAT!

Testing, testing.. 1,2,3

So.. I am what, in the world of women that are trying to conceive (TTC) a pee on a stick -a- holic. (POAS-A-HOLIC) Yes, I admit it. The day I think... yeah.. it could possibly show + today, I start testing, and I don't stop until the hag shows. So, last night I made the decision that I would test this morning. I'm 10 days past ovulation now... that could possibly lead to a + test... why not? It's just money I'm wasting! So I take that old familiar Equate pg test.. the one with the +/- and of course... negative. It's a little upsetting to get a neg test... but the upside is it's still really early so I have tons more pg tests to take before I get really truly down in the dumps. I will be so shocked if we do end up having to move on to month 5 of ttc... 5 months?! US?! That just can't happen can it? I mean, I know the reality of the major cysts on my ovaries.. I do recall having surgery in November to remove them in hopes of preserving fertility, and the warning from my doctor that things might be harder this time around... but I Just never really believed it. I never believed we wouldn't get pg the first month. I mean.. never having tried, it seemed that TRYING would result in immediate pregnancy. I've noticed a change in the way people talk to me now. When someone asks how long we've been trying.. I get much different responces than I did in the beginning. In the beginning when I'd say it's been 1 or 2 months I'd get the "oh that's still so early, don't worry about that yet." When I say we're almost on month 5 of trying I get a "oh really? well I hope it happens for you soon..." with an obvious uncomfortableness of the person speaking. One of the teacher's aide's at madison's school that I'm close with (she's my age) even had the gall to say, after finding out we've been trying for 4 months "4 MONTHS?! Omgosh... we get pg really fast!" I bit my tongue and declined to respond to her rude comment... but in my head I was screaming "Ya think moron! Normally we get pg without even trying!!! Thanks for the encouragement!!" this TTC journey might turn me into an evil evil person. I keep wondering what I can learn from this experience.. patience? Empathy? How to spend the most money for the least result at the end of each month? I'm sure once i get pg I'll look back at these crazy months and know it was all for the better, but ya know what? Right now.. not feeling that way at all! Yep, I'm in a bad mood.. my husband is asleep and i'm up alone, as usual, with our kids who are driving me batty b/c it's raining outside and they're cooped up for day 2. If I would've never seen that neg. pg test.. I'm sure my patience with them would be much greater. Lord, help me not kill someone today!

fun times with the fam!

Clayton finally got his day off from work and we headed to the big city to go to the zoo! We stayed with my Mom so we'd be close and had a wonderful time. We stayed at the zoo with the kids for about 3 hours... ate lunch there and everything, and I got a nice sunburn too. (ouch!) I feel like the worst mother because though I had a whole bottle of Baby Magic sunscreen in the diaper bag... it was so cloudy most of the time we were there I never thought they'd need it.. so both of my 'babies' have pink faces. I don't really understand why I'm the one that got really baked though.. the rest of the 'clan' was in the sun just as much as I was! After the zoo we went to visit our new neice and her family. She's 2 weeks old now and I got to hold her while she slept for a whole hour! Oh it was sooo nice. Poor thing was sick though and that same night they had to take her to the hospital where they will be staying for a few days because she has bronchialitis (sp?) and pnemonia!! We're all very worried so please lift her in your prayers. They think she'll be just fine.. but still... it's so scary to have your TWO WEEK old diagnosed with such potentually dangerous things. I'll call them tomorrow to get an update. Her poor mom and dad are exhausted... neither of them had any sleep last night.. as I'm sure I wouldn't either in their positions.

Speaking of no sleep... I'm holding my sleeping baby boy in my lap right now because after his 17th or so time out of bed tonight I decided I was too exhausted to fight him on it tonight and that since it's our first night back home, after two away, I"ll give him a break, let him act his age, and hold him while he drifts to sleep. If he'll just sleep tonight, I will be happy. I can remember hearing friends talk about how their kids didn't sleep through the night until they were 2 or 3 and thinking (when Carter was a wee baby) that I for sure would never 'allow' my child to not sleep through the night for that long... it must be the parents not doing something right since Madison was a fantastic sleeper and rarely woke up at night after she hit a year old. Does God like seeing us stick our feet in our mouths or what?! He blessed me with Carter... the child as opposite as his sister as opposite could get! He'll turn 2 on May 1... and he is still challenging at night. He's fairly challening in general, but he does make up for it with is extreme silliness and the way he loves to cuddle.

Well, for those who are wondering, just a few more days until I find out if I got pg this month. The waiting starts to get to me right about this time. I feel the emotionalness creeping up on me. I feel a little more irratable and a little like I could cry over absolutely nothing. In about one more week I'll know for sure if it was our month. I hope so... I truly cannot imagine having to move on to the fifth month. I might lose my mind! I never thought this would be so emotionally draining for ME... I know other women have gone through the ups and downs of this, but never would I have thought I'd be one of them. I've actually starting praying for a miracle this month... it's so scary to ask for this because if I'm not pg this month.. what do I think? All you can think is that God knows more than you do... and just deal with it! He's got great things coming.. if you'll just be still and wait. I just pray for peace during this time... I really need it.

So, that's my life over the past few days, thanks if you made it this far!

How did this happen?

I just got off of the phone with the elementary school... I have to sign my 'baby' girl up for the big K for the fall. How depressing! How in the world do I almost have a 5 year old? (June 17 is her bday) I'm also in the process for signing her up for TBall... she has to be on the 'mostly' boys team b/c she didn't turn 5 by Jan. 1... that's a bit disappointing b/c her best friend is older and on the all girls team. Next year they can play together though. Too much for me at once! She asked me last night "Do I get a trophy for playing T-Ball?!" I'm guessing she will... and I thought how odd it would be to get her first ever trophy. She's growing up much too quickly!

Note to the Parkers: Do you guys know that I was sick all night from the huge amount of food I ate while you were here?! But oh was it worth it! (especially the chocolate chip cinnamon rolls.. oh yeah!) Thanks for the great time... it's always great to spend an entire evening laughing until your stomach hurts.. literally. ;)

We might be heading to the big city tonight to take the kids to the zoo tomorrow if the weather's supposed to be nice... and I want to see my 2 week old neice! It will be a blast to go to the zoo... the kids will both love it!

chasing Carter at the park

Well today was a great day I must say. I got in over an hour of exercise while Clayton and Carter played outside this morning and I did great with my eating all day long! I haven't made it through an entire day without eating 1/2 my body weight in food for a really long time! 10 points for me! This afternoon after getting Madison from school I met Leslie and Brandy W. at the park with our gang of kids. (plus Abby) It was wonderful to visit with them... of course I spent most of my time there chasing Carter down and making him sit down beside me because he was running off and not coming back when called. Yes.. it was fun. I'm exhausted but in a good way. I love that physically tired feeling at the end of the day that lets me know I did something. I didn't just sit around... I moved around and played with my kids... and had a mostly good time! Clayton's even home tonight! He has tons of comp. time to take because of all of his overtime this weekend so this is nice! Our game plan for the night is to get the kids in bed and try to watch a movie... yep.. let's see if it works out! Carter has been up a few times already since being layed down, though last night he did great! He got up once and then didn't get up again until 5:30 this morning! I put him back into his bed and he went back to sleep until around 6:30 so that's a much better wake up time! It sure does feel good to get at least one full night's sleep every now and then! :) That's all from me tonight.. I'm off to spend time with hubby!

Are you lonesome tonight?

Is anyone besides me feeling a little lonely tonight? As I've mentioned Clayton is on nights for the second month in a row and I sure do miss him. It's so different not seeing each other during the day than at night. The kids are both in bed now (and Carter went down NO PROBLEM tonight! yippie!) and I'm just up spilling my thoughts and feelings on this blogg since my main man is out on the road. I remember when I was young a preacher saying how you never have to feel lonely because God is always with you. Good point... great in theory... but it isn't working for me right now. Does that make me not a good Christian? Does it mean I'm not close to God? Sometimes I wonder... Why do I not 'feel' God with me all of the time as others seem to? I 'know' he's there, that's a step in the right direction I suppose.

Oh, note to Jeff, I have no idea where Clayton was working last night or any this weekend. He and his buddies did do a lot of check points... but typically if he turns his lights on, he's pulling someone over. ;)

What's everyone think of the GORGEOUS weather we've been so blessed with lately? The kids and I spent almost all day outside and I am paying for that now! What is it about just SITTING outside on a warm day that drains every ounce of energy you have? The kids, of course, acted as if they were as energized as ever! Even after supper and baths they were bouncing around all over the place. I actually had to ask Madison to please not talk for a little while! (I promise it sounds more mean than it was!) I guess it did wear Carter out since he only got up one time after I layed him down tonight. Last night he only got up maybe 5 times which is much better than the 55 times the previous night.

In closing, on a way downer note, I wanted to ask all who read to lift a family up in prayer. A family I don't know the names of, I don't know what they look like... but Clayton was telling me about a call they got (I think Monticello Police) about a 22yr old father that had rolled over and suffocated his 4 month old baby while sleeping with it on the couch. The father was drunk at the time. My IMMEDIATE thought was "What a moron! Doesn't he know NEVER to drink and then sleep with your child? And that a couch is NOT a safe place to cosleep anyway?!" But later on I thought "My gosh... that poor man will forever live with the knowledge that he alone took the life of his baby." My heart aches for him, for the mother of the baby, for their entire family. So, prayers for this family are in order. Sorry to end on such a sad note!! I'll try to have an incredibly nonsense ridden post tomorrow :)

PARTY TIME!

Well, we had a rough night last night. Carter, after having done so well on the bedtime front for the past two weeks, decided last night that he would fight me on it again. I'd lay him down, he'd get up, I'd lay him back down, he'd get back up. After probably his 15th time out of bed (seriously) I was really getting mad at him. It took about 45 minutes to get him to stay in bed and go to sleep.. in the course of that time I yelled at him and really really wanted to smack him... I felt horrible when I yelled at him ("Carter, in bed NOW!") and I'm so glad I calmed down and walked away when I wanted to hit him. He still ended up in bed with me around midnight... which was fine with me since Clayton's supposed 2am shift didn't end until 6am. (careful driving guys! drunks are everywhere!! The warm weather makes people go insane I swear!) We all got up as Clayton was going to bed at 6am... we had a big day ahead. Madison's friend since birth was having her 5th birthday party and Madison was thrilled! It was an hour drive to get there, we stayed for 2 hrs, and another hour drive back home. I'm sooo tired. I got home at 4pm.. just enough time to say hello to Clayton and watch him get ready to go back out to work at 5pm. I'll be so glad when this month is over! The night shift is killin` me. I 'think' next month will be the awesome shift that's like a normal job... 8am-5pm and weekends off! Not sure though... it'll be nice to get together with friends on weekends again though if he is.

Wait a second.. I just realized I've posted nothing about my obsessive trying to get pg journey yet! The countdown has started... in about 12 days I'll know if this was the month or not. I'm sure to lose my mind before then, cry at least once, and eat enough to gain another few pounds from the stress of it all!

Oh..... guess what Madison did this morning.. she BIT Carter! :o Yeah.. really. My totally non aggressive (though she is mouthy!) child actually bit her little brother.. that was first thing this morning.. I could've killed her! She was in time out forever it seemed before I was calm enough to deal with her... her consequence was to lose her most beloved possession that she has.. her crayons.. for the rest of the day. She's asked several times to color... I have to keep saying "Do you remember why you lost your crayons?" She lowers her head and nods yes... "because I bit Carter...." Hopefully this will not happen again. Sibilng rivalry BITES! They're making me crazy I tell ya! I feel bad for Madison though... Carter is in a particularly hard stage right now with yelling, hitting, throwing, and screaming "no" at anyone around him. In general he's silly and cuddly.. but several times a day he feels the need to see what he can get away with and what will happen if he hits me over and over again. Fun, fun! You parents out there know what I'm talking about.. don't act like it's just me!

Why am I doing this?

So... why am I blogging now? I guess the truth is that peer pressure never goes away. After hearing all about how cool blogging is amongst my fairly new circle of friends I decided to be a follower and go along with it. I also think it might be fairly theraputic to write out whatever is bouncing around in my head at the time.. my husband will be thankful.

So, about me. I'm Mandy... I'm a stay at home mother of two wonderful kids. Madison (4) and Carter (22 months). I have a great husband, Clayton, who is a State Trooper. Yes.. he saves the world daily (or maybe just the surrounding counties) and I love him for it. He's my real life super hero. Life is great for us now.. I can't really complain. We bought our first home in July of '05 and things have been fantastic for the most part since, minus the fact that Katrina hit right before we moved in and Clayton had to go to New Orleans THE DAY we moved the last box into the house for 2 weeks... My best gal pal Suzanne helped me move into our house, along with tons of help from her hubby, Matt and their great kids. I also had a crappy week that first week with a washer that decided it would drain all over the floor instead of out of the pipe and a plumber that took total advantage of my ignorance on washers... don't worry.. my hubby came home and saved the day once again. So.. after all of the chaos, things settled and have been nice lately. So.. in the calm of everything I decided I wanted another baby! I mean... things are nice and quiet around here most of the time... I'm finally getting a decent night's sleep... why keep that going? Time to add another screamer to the mix! So, for the past 4 months we've been trying to add to our family with no luck thus far. WE've never planned a baby before... I thought it would be much cooler than it has been.. to be honest I'm hating the planning.... b/c the planning is leading to disappointment each month when I learn that I'm not pregnant. I've also discovered that there are very few ppl in the real world you can openly talk to about your feelings and what you're going through with trying to get pregnant... and that most people, no matter how well meaning, are total idiots when it comes to what it REALLY takes to try to get pregnant. "Just relax" "You're just trying too hard" "It's all in God's timing" "Wow you're still not pg?" are ALL things that do not make me feel better. The TOP thing on my list of "what I do not want to hear" is "You want ANOTHER?!" or... when one of my kids is being a kid "Are you SURE you want one more?" Okay... fist off, since when did having only 2 kids become what everyone in America should do.. and when did 3 kids become some huge crazy number? If we all (in general) think as much of kids as we say we do... how wonderful they are, what a blessing they are, how they are God's precious gifts to us... then why do we look at ppl like they have three heads when they think of having more than one or two? Wow.. seems I had more on my mind for my first blogg than I thought! I think I should stop now in hopes of not boring anyone who ventures here! Don't worry.. I'll get into the blogg swing of things!